Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
The pain just seems to be getting worse. I keep thinking I'll wake up and know in my heart that I'm better off, that he was abusive at times, that he mistreated me, BUT IT NEVER happens. Everyday, I wake up and wonder what I could have done differently to make things better; if I had only been a better person? But I also know (and these are conflicting thoughts) that there was nothing I could do to make him love me more. Maybe I was just too much for him and maybe he'll love someone else more, but either way it doesn't matter, he didn't love me and I have to just choose to learn lessons instead of beating myself up day after day. I'm so confused, and I still love this person so much that hurt me so badly and just walked away with no remorse or thought for me like I was a piece of garbage.
that your pain has
gotten worse, not
better.
Emotional injury does
not generally heal on
its own. Contrary to
the saying, time does
not heal all wounds,
as you're experiencing.
Have you had any
kind of counseling
or therapy? If not,
I urge you to consider
finding a therapist
whose specialty is
recovery from abuse.
Doing this has helped
many of us.
Did you ever journal or
document in some manner,
your day-to-day life living
with this abuser? If you
did, it might help you to
use what you documented
as a touch-stone to reality
(one use for my Clarifying
Index Card exercise). Getting
free from abuse sometimes
serves to allow the memory
of the pain of those times
to fade, leaving a rose-colored
memory of a painful relationship.
Also, practicing daily
SELF-CARE is a way
to begin to love yourself
so much that loving
someone who abuses
you becomes intolerable.
Sending you hugs
and wishes for
clarity, healing
and better days
ahead.
No abuse in my relationship with my ex, but I cried for 3 months straight. I mean every single day.
Then one day I didn't cry. And the roller coaster began, where I'd feel on top of the world one day, and lower than I'd ever been before the next.
Probably took a year, before I really moved on. I think that grief is just like that.
I never did therapy, although I know many that did. For some, it didn't help....just a really expensive hour. (Actually I take that back, my one couple's therapy hour cost over $300....and that was WITH insurance.) For others, it saved them.
And I know more than a few that took antidepressants for a short time to help them get back on their feet. Yup, it's a crutch. But crutches are good...right? Would anyone suggest that someone with a broken foot just tough it out...walk on it? Make it heal all crooked?
A thought though. Why are you garbage? Sounds like he's the one that was garbage! Love isn't always an easy thing to find in this world...he's not only garbage...he's stupid garbage!
Since then I have good and bad days..some days I feel like I know the truth about what took place and other days I feel like he was right about everything. I just want the day to come when the confusion is finally gone.
What he said to you is nothing more than reflection of who he is. What he said has absolutely nothing to do with you or who you are.
He is blaming you for his actions. He is using your truth the "excuse" himself for his behavior. That's what abusers do - they blame others and rarely take any responsibility or accountability for their actions.
She can also help you come up with some things to say to yourself when you start having doubts. Using affirmations can be very helpful, especially when you do them looking at yourself in the mirror. It's very emotional when you start. I cried all the time while trying to look myself in the eyes while saying something as simple as "I am good." or "I deserve love."
It usually takes longer to go through the grieving process when a relationship with an abuser ends than it does when a relationship with a non-abuser. The extra time has to do w/recovery from the abuse. But its all mixed in together, so it's really hard to separate.
In addition to Ilene's suggestions, I have two others. It took many different processes for me to heal - and I'm still healing. Of those (not counting therapy which REALLY helped me), there were two that helped a lot. They are daily gratitude and laughter. I made sure to watch at least two funny tv shows or movies every day. Just like tears, laughter helps release toxins. I still do both every day.
It does get better. As patti said, its a roller coaster. It just takes a lot of time.
Be kind & gentle with yourself and allow however much time it takes to heal. Please remember that there are no prescribed healing time limits. Each person grieves and heals in their own time and in their own way.
~healing hugs~
I struggle i do what i am suppose to, i go to
A great drug and alcohol therapist, alanon,
and divorce care yet i am still grieving And
detaching even after 10 months of no Contact.
My lines were so bleary because it was good
For a long time until it wasnt then the bad came
and it got toxic. Why didnt i run when the bad
Started? Any sane person would have, i guess
I got my own answer there.
Thank you again i get mad at myself and i know
Its the abuse issue holding me back and slowing
Me down.
Hugs
(((((( lostgirl))))
Heck, I felt bad until I saw it taking other people 6 months just to be able to put one foot in front of the other.
And as I said, I didn't even deal with abuse.
Perhaps you're expecting a bit too much too fast?
I had to Force myself to be good to myself....to take a few minutes a day to do something nice...a cup of tea...a cup of coffee...
As far as his comment goes: I've seen a lot of breakups on DS and more than a few in person. People can SAY whatever....but what they DO is a reflection on who they are.
My ex said a number of really nasty things...but he didn't do any of them.
But if he had...it wouldn't have changed who I AM...as a person.
It would only have shown who HE is...as a person.
Your ex's nasty breakup is 100% on him. Period. (Even if you were abusive yourself, and I'm NOT saying that you were. But if you were abusive, it wouldn't be an excuse for him to be abusive back. Period.)
If you want to go back and see things that you could have done better...great. That's true for all of us. But not being perfect...is NO excuse for abuse!
So 35 days out. Hmm, I'd say that you're doing great if you're getting up, brushing your teeth, and showing up for work. Everything else is gravy. Give it some time.
Healing hugs,
Patti