Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
So, I have learned a lot from this forum and all the wonderful people here, as well as from all the reading I've been doing. I have gotten better at not engaging him, although he usually keeps pushing until I finally do engage, and about not taking his comments personally...he is a sick man, so I now know everything that comes out of his mouth is a product of his own twisted mind. Sometimes, though, it am ashamed to admit that I STILL let him drag me into his madness.
However, last night I decided to try a new tactic. Predictably, the minute he walked in the house, he started with the rude, belittling, and blatantly controlling statements. Instead of letting him bait me this time (and ignoring him doesn't work...he just gets really angry and escalates), I looked at him with a little half smile and pure confusion, and asked him "hmmmm? I'm sorry I don't understand what you're saying" and then proceeded to act confused, as if I was simply too much of an idiot to realize I was being insulted.
He got this hilarious look of confusion on his face and changed subjects...again to something insulting and rude, but I just kept smiling and feigning ignorance. Shockingly, HE GAVE UP after only 15 minutes of this!!!!! Most shocking is that I didn't feel shaky or sad or angry or whatever I usually feel. I didn't have trouble falling asleep last night. I was actually able to laugh (to myself of course) about the idiotic look on his face and the ridiculousness of his statements.
I know this May not work in the future. I know that he is a master at changing things up to keep me off balance. I know that this is not a long term solution, and that getting away from this toxic individual is my only hope of survival. But it feels great to have been the one for a change to throw him off his game! Just wanted to share
However, last night I decided to try a new tactic. Predictably, the minute he walked in the house, he started with the rude, belittling, and blatantly controlling statements. Instead of letting him bait me this time (and ignoring him doesn't work...he just gets really angry and escalates), I looked at him with a little half smile and pure confusion, and asked him "hmmmm? I'm sorry I don't understand what you're saying" and then proceeded to act confused, as if I was simply too much of an idiot to realize I was being insulted.
He got this hilarious look of confusion on his face and changed subjects...again to something insulting and rude, but I just kept smiling and feigning ignorance. Shockingly, HE GAVE UP after only 15 minutes of this!!!!! Most shocking is that I didn't feel shaky or sad or angry or whatever I usually feel. I didn't have trouble falling asleep last night. I was actually able to laugh (to myself of course) about the idiotic look on his face and the ridiculousness of his statements.
I know this May not work in the future. I know that he is a master at changing things up to keep me off balance. I know that this is not a long term solution, and that getting away from this toxic individual is my only hope of survival. But it feels great to have been the one for a change to throw him off his game! Just wanted to share
I remember having a similar feeling of amazement after I spoke to my narcissistic father in exactly the same way as he usually spoke to everyone else. He wasn`t violent, but you couldn't be soft with him - he would steamroller you. In order to be heard, you had to snap and bark back at him.
He looked shocked, just stood there, and stared at me with these huge eyes! The stillness was unbelievable. Later, I learned that a narcissist frequently recoils when confronted with a mirror image of themselves. Internally, they hate themselves, although outwardly they behave selfishly. What I had done by imitating him was effectively hold a mirror up to his behaviour so he could see himself.
However, I do NOT recommend that anyone do my thing to an intimate partner or person from whom they are getting emotional abuse and are at potential or actual risk of getting physical abuse or worse. Arguing back at my violent husband put me at great risk, so I stopped doing it. When he was angry, I saw someone quite capable of killing me. It`s not worth it to risk your life.
I have used it to quite good effect in more public situations with lots of witnesses, such as with coworkers who displayed narcissistic behaviour.
Hugs xxx
on your victory.
I'm so glad it gave
you a little boost
of positivity.
I'm also glad that
you write that you
know that this isn't
a long-term solution.
An abuser programmed
to be abusive will NOT
be deterred. They may
be briefly stumped, but
their abusiveness
WILL prevail ultimately.
Please be careful
in your words
and actions.
Sending you warmest
thoughts and enormous
hugs.