Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I am just spouting some verbal diarrhea here so I apologize in advance as well as thank those who are reading. Since I wrote him my final goodbye 2 weeks ago I have not heard from him. This is the longest he has gone without contacting me since we split 6 months ago. This is a good thing I know and what I asked of him in my letter. I'm just realizing the "finality" of it though and It seems I experience three bad days for every one good day. When will it get better? On good days I know I'm better off without him, I remember everything he did to me and why I deserve better. I feel good about my future on these days. On bad days I dwell. I still can't believe this happened to me. I can't believe the future I thought I was going to have is no more. I can't believe he never really loved me. I don't understand how someone could have treated me like they hated me so much when all I tried to do was love them. I can't believe I invested so much of myself in him. I can't believe I trusted in his supposed love for me so blindly and believed all the things he told me he wanted. I can't believe I haven't let go of the delusion that he will come back wanting to change it all. I can't believe I never really knew who he was. I can't believe that despite the fact he never really loved me he still tried to make me believe all our problems were my fault. I can't believe he married me when he didn't really love me. Why did he do that? How can he live with himself? What did he tell himself that made using me ok in his mind? I know I'm searching for logic when there isn't any, but I can't help it. Why can't I just let it go? I just want to let it go.
Can`t answer the "when does it get better", because the degrees will probably be different for everyone.
It`s been years since my N parents` declaration that we no longer had any chance of a relationship (2008), yet I still have the odd day when I feel like I was carried around in a black bag for years, and then one day I got dumped out of it on my ass on the pavement and left there to accustom myself to the light, never to see the darkness of that bag interior again. The shock is something I still occasionally feel.
Much of it goes a lot like grief. Varying combinations of denial, depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance (in no particular order). And it is every bit as personal as grief is.
I guess the added complication is that losing an N, or any abuser, is not anything like losing someone you loved who loved you and who was taken away only by unhappy circumstance. We have to deal with the knowledge that that person was never really who they purported to be, in the initial stages and the "nice" parts they alternated their abuse with. And that is hard - one of the hardest things a person has to do.
My advice is to try and go extremely easy on yourself. You need time to accustom yourself to the light where you are now. Only then will you be able to see properly, when you are ready.
Sending huge (((HUGS))) xxx
I have read some of your posts and am sorry for your loss of what you thought you had. You are going through the grieving process. The loss of a relationship. Just like any other grieving it takes time. But it will get better.
Usually 6 months is when you start to geel a little better. Could you maybe write down on paper all the bad qualities he had or the bad things he did to you? I did that and it helped. Hope you are feeling a little better each day.
Amexdm
We are here for you....I know how all that feels, have said those same words ...I can't believe it.!!! .what the hell happened to my life.
I made a list like amex said....mine was called the abc's of my life with narc husband. Used the ABC list to get me started...it was helpful and mighty! I hung it in the kitchen and refer to it...especially when I start thinking like that...
I was married to this guy for over 20 years, I think this process will take a while. It's all him you know...not you. It does change you though...and the way you think of why people do what they do. You are so much better than this person....believe that.
How long will it take? Unfortunately, the only answer I have is that it will take longer than you think it should, and WAY longer than you wish it would. But keep moving forward and you will get there. One day you will realise that it's more like 3 good days and one bad. Then you'll realise you've had a whole week of good days. And so on.
All the best to you.
wise responses already.
Healing happens.
It takes how long
it takes. Therapy
can help.
May I suggest, that at
this point in the process,
you do my Clarifying Index
Card exercise. There are
several reasons that index
cards are valuable, as
opposed to making linear
lists on a page.
I and others, also have exercises
that help connect us to our
essential self and our spirit.
Doing some of those could
help move you through, and
speed the healing process.
Recovery is possible.
Maybe the toughest obstacle
and the biggest thing to turn
around, is to acknowledge,
accept and believe the things
that you listed. Once we do
that, healing proceeds and
we move to a better place.
You're on your way.
Please take good care
of yourself. Sending you
hugs and healing wishes.
Good luck, be nice to yourself.
Live YOUR life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!