Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
In 1945 my mother gave birth to her firstborn, a much adored and valued baby boy.
But Gussie was a pack-a-day smoker of unfiltered Camel cigarettes, thin-boned and high strung, not much of a baby making machine. After her successful first pregnancy, her next two ended in miscarriages.
So when she was pregnant with me over the fall of 1951 and the early months of 1952, I was fortunate indeed that her doctor was not able to convince her to take the popularly-prescribed drug for the (supposed) prevention of miscarriages, diethylstilbestrol. DES was, at that very time, reaching peak sales.
So, whatever other gripes I might have about my mother's choices, I'm at least profoundly grateful that taking DES was one choice she opted against. (DES was later found to cause reproductive organ cancers in the offspring of the women to whom it had been prescribed to maintain their pregnancies. The drug was eventually taken off the market as the babies matured into children, reached adulthood and found themselves dealing with a variety of cancers, sadly but no accident here, reproductive cancers.)
Fifty years ago today, May 9, 1960, the birth control pill was introduced as a family planning option. No, my mother, desperate for babies (but with no healthy parenting skills) would not have taken the pill. In fact, many states (the one I now live in, included), had laws that actually prevented ---- even married women ----- from being able to purchase the pill.
Ten and a half years after its introduction ---- I did. I was determined not to have any unplanned pregnancies.
Actually, I was simply determined not to have any pregnancies, period. (Hmm. No pun intended.)
Id never seen healthy maternal instincts in action. Id virtually never played with baby dolls. I had no visions of nor cravings for, producing babies of my own.
And so, I didnt.
For women who had a mother like mine. . . . . . Im sorry you suffered as I did, but Im glad youre here, anyway, as Im glad to be here.
For women who had wonderful mothers. . . . . Im so happy for you and for your children, if you went on to have them.
For mothers who had a mother like mine. . . . . Id put money on your having put much energy into finding a way to parent differently from the way you were parented.
For mothers who had dysfunctional partners/significant others and whose children are suffering now, in one way or another. . . . Im so sorry. I pray that your children will find healing and a better life.
For mothers who had dysfunctional partners and whose children are behaving towards them in a way that causes them grief and pain. . . . Im so sorry. I pray that your children will find healing and a way to relate to you in a loving and better way.
For men and women whove suffered through dysfunction, please hang on and find a way to recovery. Its out there. Much love to you on your journey.
I hope that yours is a Happy Mother's Day, today
But Gussie was a pack-a-day smoker of unfiltered Camel cigarettes, thin-boned and high strung, not much of a baby making machine. After her successful first pregnancy, her next two ended in miscarriages.
So when she was pregnant with me over the fall of 1951 and the early months of 1952, I was fortunate indeed that her doctor was not able to convince her to take the popularly-prescribed drug for the (supposed) prevention of miscarriages, diethylstilbestrol. DES was, at that very time, reaching peak sales.
So, whatever other gripes I might have about my mother's choices, I'm at least profoundly grateful that taking DES was one choice she opted against. (DES was later found to cause reproductive organ cancers in the offspring of the women to whom it had been prescribed to maintain their pregnancies. The drug was eventually taken off the market as the babies matured into children, reached adulthood and found themselves dealing with a variety of cancers, sadly but no accident here, reproductive cancers.)
Fifty years ago today, May 9, 1960, the birth control pill was introduced as a family planning option. No, my mother, desperate for babies (but with no healthy parenting skills) would not have taken the pill. In fact, many states (the one I now live in, included), had laws that actually prevented ---- even married women ----- from being able to purchase the pill.
Ten and a half years after its introduction ---- I did. I was determined not to have any unplanned pregnancies.
Actually, I was simply determined not to have any pregnancies, period. (Hmm. No pun intended.)
Id never seen healthy maternal instincts in action. Id virtually never played with baby dolls. I had no visions of nor cravings for, producing babies of my own.
And so, I didnt.
For women who had a mother like mine. . . . . . Im sorry you suffered as I did, but Im glad youre here, anyway, as Im glad to be here.
For women who had wonderful mothers. . . . . Im so happy for you and for your children, if you went on to have them.
For mothers who had a mother like mine. . . . . Id put money on your having put much energy into finding a way to parent differently from the way you were parented.
For mothers who had dysfunctional partners/significant others and whose children are suffering now, in one way or another. . . . Im so sorry. I pray that your children will find healing and a better life.
For mothers who had dysfunctional partners and whose children are behaving towards them in a way that causes them grief and pain. . . . Im so sorry. I pray that your children will find healing and a way to relate to you in a loving and better way.
For men and women whove suffered through dysfunction, please hang on and find a way to recovery. Its out there. Much love to you on your journey.
I hope that yours is a Happy Mother's Day, today
You are a wonderful clinician and to come here and share your life with us and show you are human and have moved onward and upward makes the systems work. Congrat on this. :)
I know I came to the right place at DS and find it safe here and to be accepted and respected is a wonderful thing. That goes to all the wonderful people who post and share and support.
That is parenting itself. We parent our own inner child, we parent our peers and share love. I wish my own mother could have seen that happen in her lifetime. I for one, am so glad I have not taken her ways and repeated them. Thank God for that and a lot of good therapy and the support I get here.
So then I am humbled to wish each and every one of us a grateful Mother's Day with all the love we have.
Big hugs
Linda :)
Thank you, Thank You, Thank You, a million times, Thank You!
Ilene, if I did not have the maternal-like advise and care you give here, I would be a lesser person and parent.
God Bless You on this day!
I have had similar thoughts myself. As yet I have not had the urge to breed. As yet I have not emotionally been in the right place...now...knowing what I know...I am not sure I should have kids either.
I understand your choices and I respect them.
Thank you so much for sharing this intensely private post.
There is more to the divine feminie than having children. I know that in my heart, you prove it with yours.
My life as I live it today is very, very full and connected with all kinds of people and also very connected with myself.
Yes, I feel that the work I do now is my legacy and hopefully, will live on afterward, as children, in general, do.
I hope that the connections I'm making in my field will move the intervention and treatment of emotional abuse, beyond what it is today.
That gives me satisfaction and hope.
Thanks again, friends. My love goes out to you on your respective paths. Take good care of yourselves and be well!!!!!
I also decided I didn't want to have children, for the same reasons as you, Ilene. And now I do have a child. And you are right, I am trying SO hard to parent in a different way, so that when my precious boy grows up and looks back, he doesn't have the same reaction as I do when I look back on my childhood.
Again, thank you so much for this, and for all of yourself that you share with us.
My mother, Gussie the Ruler of All People and Things, passed away a few days before Christmas of 1996. I was the last person she saw. She couldn't speak but she was clear-minded, so I know she understood me when I told her I loved her. She nodded. Then she sunk under the morphine drip. So her last act in her life was to confirm that she understood what I said. I know, that in her narcissistic world, she actually loved me too.
I know that ----- despite the ways I was damaged by her parenting ----- some of my best character traits come from my mother. I got my creativity from her. I got my emotional backbone from her. (Ironically, I also got my physical backbone from her. She had osteoporosis, and I'm busy fighting it off. At least I never smoked.) I got my tenacity from her. I got my ability to accessorize from her. (On the other side, I got a lot of my emotional vulnerabilities from her, but in recent years, I've gotten some of those under some kind of control.)
As vicious a parent as she was, I'd give a year of my life for an additional day to talk to her, now that I understand so much more than I did (or could) before I'd matured to this point. That's not possible, so I'm with her sometimes, in my dreams. I hope that, from the vantage point of being spirit now, she understands what I do, as I've come to understand what she did.
That's all for my 2010 Mother's Day. The thing is, good or bad, it was through our mothers that we arrived on this planet in this body. Whatever their ability to actually parent, they gave birth to us in pain and physical effort. Not all of them were meant to be parents, but then they were. Some of them were god-awful parents, but most of us managed to survive and here we are.
So ------ here we are, trying to feel better, trying to get better, trying to do better.
LOVE YOURSELVES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It was bitter sweet, I did touch her grave, lovingly, and told her I loved her, and I know she loved me too. I was blessed to see into how and why she was so abusive. I finally, was able to forgive her, and let it go. We had a good 15 years of good friendship, and a nice mother-daughter relationship, so for that I am blessed.
But it's ironic, that we grew up so strong, so giving, so loving, after having lived the life we led. So in essence, you are totally right. Due to the way we lived, and the fear we encountered with all the dysfunction-ality, we came out on the other side.
In addition, we came out better people. I do think that our Mother's have prepared us for the worst situation, and yet have inadvertently, unknowingly given us a very special gift. It's the gift of appreciation for what whe know and have now! It's that extra insight we have, so that we can help others through it. It's that gift of encouragement which we offer so freely to so many! Sometimes after walking and living in the storm of life, we truly use those adversities to overcome our weaknesses and lack thereof.
So their legacy of sickness, passed down to us, forced us to "mother" ourselves, and take that little broken inner child, and love that inner child. Even tho we mayhave done this out of survival, we have done it. And now, look at how much more we are capable of, as well as how that gift of overcoming adversity has come full circle.
So I agree with others. You are a "mother" to so many. You may not have physically given birth to us, but you have given birth in terms of hope, support, compassion, and set a wonderful example. So Happy Belated Mother's Day to you. You do have a very special warm heart, which continues to give and give. Thanks for your compassion, understanding, and most of all the hope that you always send our way! Thanks, MOm, to you!!!
Much love to all who read this.