Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
So for weeks my husband told me he reserved a hotel room at the beach for him and my son the day before fathers day for fathers day and on Father's Day they would be going fishing on the boat with my father in law. At no time did my husband mention any plans for our 3 year old daughter. I made plans to see my dad with my daughter on fathers day & I told him a couple of weeks ago (Of course he didn't hear me).
A little back story........ Every year since we were dating except for literally 2 or 3 times we spent fathers day with my father in law, never being able to see my father on father's day until we had our son and my husband so graciously allowed my father to drive over an hour to our house to watch our son on fathers day while we went out fishing with his father (this was the 2 or 3 times we saw my dad).
So this year being we are getting a divorce, I told my husband that for obvious reasons I would have the kids on mothers day (which I did, I went to my moms with BOTH my kids for mothers day). And he would have the kids for fathers day. He was fine with that, except he only made plans with my son.
I bought a fathers day gift and card for him from the kids and had the kids give it to him on Satuday before he and my son left for the beach. He said to them "But its not fathers day". I then said, well, you are not going to be here tomorrow and your daughter won't be with you so I thought you would want to have your present from BOTH your kids. He said "oh why, are you not going to be here tomorrow?" I said "No, I told you I am going to spend fathers day with my dad, something I never was able to do before". He acted as if I was holdng national secrets or something, he said I never told him I was going to my dads and that I know when he goes with his dad on fathers day he is only gone for 1/2 the day. I said "ok and?".... I asked him if he expected me to sit around the house waiting for him to be finished with what he wanted to do and not see my dad because he chose not to take his daughter with him. Of course this stemmed into a big discussion about how I don't communicate, I never told him I was going to my dads, how I had the kids for mothers day and he was supposed to have them for fathers day. I told him I was not keeping his kids from him for fathers day, I told him that he is the one who chose not to take his daughter with him and asked why I have to cancel my plans with my dad to appease him. He said that it is too hard to take our daughter on the boat (And this is my problem why?????).
Of course, what did my dumb ass do? Instead of having dinner with my dad as origionally planned, I had a late lunch and went home.......
I get home, he is out with my son at the pool, comes homes and tells me that him and my son are going to the grocery store and will eat out. Never once asking me if I want anything or if he should bring anything back for our daughter......
Why do I keep allowing him to guilt me, especially when I know what he is doing?
To top it off...... He wakes up this morning and comes and lays next to me rubbing my telling me how much he loves me, how he doesn't want to do this and wants to know if I love him yet and changed my mind.
WTF!!!!! O_o ?!?! I just can't wait until he finds a house and moves out!
A little back story........ Every year since we were dating except for literally 2 or 3 times we spent fathers day with my father in law, never being able to see my father on father's day until we had our son and my husband so graciously allowed my father to drive over an hour to our house to watch our son on fathers day while we went out fishing with his father (this was the 2 or 3 times we saw my dad).
So this year being we are getting a divorce, I told my husband that for obvious reasons I would have the kids on mothers day (which I did, I went to my moms with BOTH my kids for mothers day). And he would have the kids for fathers day. He was fine with that, except he only made plans with my son.
I bought a fathers day gift and card for him from the kids and had the kids give it to him on Satuday before he and my son left for the beach. He said to them "But its not fathers day". I then said, well, you are not going to be here tomorrow and your daughter won't be with you so I thought you would want to have your present from BOTH your kids. He said "oh why, are you not going to be here tomorrow?" I said "No, I told you I am going to spend fathers day with my dad, something I never was able to do before". He acted as if I was holdng national secrets or something, he said I never told him I was going to my dads and that I know when he goes with his dad on fathers day he is only gone for 1/2 the day. I said "ok and?".... I asked him if he expected me to sit around the house waiting for him to be finished with what he wanted to do and not see my dad because he chose not to take his daughter with him. Of course this stemmed into a big discussion about how I don't communicate, I never told him I was going to my dads, how I had the kids for mothers day and he was supposed to have them for fathers day. I told him I was not keeping his kids from him for fathers day, I told him that he is the one who chose not to take his daughter with him and asked why I have to cancel my plans with my dad to appease him. He said that it is too hard to take our daughter on the boat (And this is my problem why?????).
Of course, what did my dumb ass do? Instead of having dinner with my dad as origionally planned, I had a late lunch and went home.......
I get home, he is out with my son at the pool, comes homes and tells me that him and my son are going to the grocery store and will eat out. Never once asking me if I want anything or if he should bring anything back for our daughter......
Why do I keep allowing him to guilt me, especially when I know what he is doing?
To top it off...... He wakes up this morning and comes and lays next to me rubbing my telling me how much he loves me, how he doesn't want to do this and wants to know if I love him yet and changed my mind.
WTF!!!!! O_o ?!?! I just can't wait until he finds a house and moves out!
Ugh.
He's showing what he thinks of females - only his son is worth spending fathers' day with. And he's trying to make it a "war of the sexes", the plan being that when, down the track, you and your daughter say horrible things about him (and he knows you will, because he would, if someone treated him the way he's treated you), his son will be on "his" side and he'll be able to use the "irrational females" line.
He doesn't get that love is more powerful than any manipulation. Your son will see through him too. Just be careful he doesn't manage to drive a wedge between your children, the way my parents did with me and my brother.
And finally ... yeah, once again, he proves who he REALLY is. And, in time, his guilt trips/manipulation won't matter to you any more. But it will take time.
I can make a guess, although you almost certainly already know.
My guess is that you Wish that he had a better relationship with the kids. And that you're holding onto so much hope that you'll give up half of your life trying to help make that happen.
But it's not up to you. (Although he's probably told you that it is. And even before he started telling you that...you probably thought that it was....)
It's Totally up to him to create his relationship with his kids.
He's NOT going to change his behavior after a separation or divorce.
I've been there...done that. My ex was an alcoholic, stopped drinking, but never stopped the behaviors... I stopped caring what he thought, changed MY reactions, and things got a little better.
I also started seeing how he was treating the kids the exact same way that he treated me, and started focusing on helping my kids to react better than I ever did.
And that's helped A LOT.
Your STBX (soon to be ex) will most likely never take responsibilty. So I'd start re-framing things for your kids. "Don't you feel good about yourself giving your dad that present? He didn't look so happy, but it's not about his reaction. Your Thoughts were in all of the right spots. And I'm super proud of you dealing with that tough situation."
Just my two cents.....
It's a way to twist things into their opposites. Use it as a tool to make you feel bad. Victim blaming. Manipulation!
I feel bad for you. But I would say, I don't fault you for letting it affect you. You have real and normal emotions and he is exploiting that. That is not a sign that you have any problem, it's a sign that he has a problem, and you are doing your best to cope.
I think you're doing great!
His mind is WARPED.
He makes no sense - his stories change faster than the wind shifts.
He LIES all the time.
He is PROJECTING his nastiness onto you.
He is MANIPULATING you in an effort to control & continue to have power over you.
You, on the other hand, have the power within you to stop letting his crap affect you. First take some nice slow deep breaths. Imagine yourself creating an invisible shield that causes his words to bounce back on to him where they belong. All the while, repeat positive affirmations silently to yourself while he is spewing his toxicity. Tune him out. You KNOW who you are...go deep within and find that wise part of yourself that knows you are nothing like what he wants you to believe. Remind yourself of who you are and what YOUR truth is. That will help you to make your choices around what you want & not him. It will take some practice, but you can do it.
The saddest part is for my daughter, my husband since she was bon has always complained one way or another about her being so whiney, so dramatic, so stressful and oh yes he even made a comment in front of my sister once about my daughters weight (which by no means is she overweight, but even if she was a father should NEVER be critical like that).
Just need to keep my head clear and keep my eye on the "prize" of freedom!!!
You are all so awesome! Thanks for the continued support!
My ex used to do this all the time, constantly he'd tell me how he felt and it was always mirroring my feelings, it was so confusing.
It just goes to show how it's meant to confuse you! Can u imagine being like them, I'd just feel embarrassed by myself that I was so (aparently) out of awareness in listening to what has been said to me. They have no shame what so ever, they are so cocky, I think this is what makes them unbelievable to us. Being rational just doesn't cut it with them. Being rational means being equal and they don't want to be equal (your husband displays this in the way in which he treats females) so they make up their own ruels and reality to try to fit into their own perceptions of how they are number one !
Eventually thou, the victim starts to somewhat pull away from this unhealthy dynamics and eventually (hopefully) they get out and away from it.
I think it's so unnatural to live in this dynamic setup that the abuser will most likely end up failing at some point.
One of these days your kids will see it as well. I decided I have protected and hid things from them for years. Not doing it anymore. we are all better off without them.
hang tough