During my seperation I know I did, maybe its because they tend to ruin everything that we want to be special, Ive often wondered if they do it on purpose. Hopefully youll get to a place in life where you can replace the bad memories with good ones and they wont even cross your mind. ((hugs))

I'm so sorry Joanie,
I hope you will decide to do something just for you. Find a couple of movies to watch or rent. Go out to eat, take a 2hour long bubble bath, go for a walk, read a book , watch TV or anything that you think might help you get through the day.
I will be by myself too, but I really don't mind as I just came down with a horrible cold/flu.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))))))

Holidays, anniversaries, birthdays, etc. as well as significant days of NC like 30, 60, 90, 120 days, are all triggers. Something I discovered was the ANTICIPATION of the holiday & being alone was far worse than the actual day.

I second gem's suggestion to do something wonderful & loving for yourself on Sunday. If you're in the house you shared together, plan to get out for the day...go to the park or walk around the mall or go to a movie. Treat yourself to dinner, even if its just at mickey d's.

Big hugs!!!

I appreciate all the replies and I know I need to get out. I fight depression and doing things for myself. Somedays I just go to work and come home, ok, most days. I need to break the pattern. I am off this Saturday and it is suppossed to be nice weather, hopefully I can force myself to get out and do something, anything.
My brothers family by marriage has an Easter party Sunday that I am invited to, but sadly it just makes me realize what I lack in that I don't have children or a significant other as everyone else that will be there has kids and a spouse or at least boyfriend/girlfriend. It is so hard for me to go to things like that.

Joanie, go to the party, force yourself. It's your first step into breaking the pattern of your life, breaking free and living a healthy and happy life. Yes, it will bring a lot of issues to your mind of what you don't have, but maybe a better way to look atit is to see it as what you could have, if only you could only break free. Go to thepartyand enjoy yourself

But I see that they have children. These children are your nieces, and nephews and probably are looking forward to seeing you. Take some chocolates or a basket of treats for them, and fill your life with them. If you don't know them that well, then now is the time to get to know them.
And time for your brothers family.
Depression causes us to go inside ourselves and not want to reach out. But when we surround ourselves with family and love, it tends to bring us out of our slump even a little bit.
I hope you do go. Have a great Easter, and if not we are still here for you.

I do see my nephews from time to time, just more one on one. I have a bit of a social anxiety in large crowds and my brother's wife enjoys large family get togethers, whereas I prefer a small gathering. I just had my nephew a couple nights in a row at my house and we played darts and watched tv, played with my cat and just hung out. Sometimes it's scary how much I really love him as I have found that when I love, I lose. I am very close to my younger brother as well and I was to my Mother, I lost her to Cancer and now my younger brother has cancer. He is in remission currently but..well it just seems it is not a good thing for me to love. Hard to explain. I try not to get overly attached.
I will try to get out sometime over the weekend though.

I can't even remember what we did last year for Easter. He had Passover with my family last year which was an ordeal because my family makes holidays endless, and my niece and nephew the star of everything, so we were an unwilling audience. I have no recollection of Easter whatsoever.
This year I forgot it was Passover (I'm not religious) and will do nothing for Easter but I'm sure i will be sad - the year before that i was with my last psycho abusive ex husband,so maybe being alone won't be so bad.

Hi Joanie,

I, too, have a really hard time with the holidays. Last night, I was waxing poetic about the guilt I feel about not contacting him on Easter.It is in my journal... Feel free to look! Please excuse me if it doesn't make too much sense as I was exhausted and literally falling asleep while typing it on my phone... The result is some interesting grammatical errors and a lot of rambling, but I always find reading what other people write healing. It is can be so helpful to get a perspective different than your own and even to just know someone else is struggling with the same problems you are.

I once said that ruining everything that is special to us is our abuser's MO. Holidays, birthdays, ect. I was with my ex for 5 years and I think we spent one or maybe 2 of them together in all that time. It was incredibly hurtful to have a partner and not have them be there. He always picked a fight on or right before a holiday. It was horrendous!! I am so glad to be free of him now. I don't have to worry about anything!!

On another note, I have a lot of practice being alone on the holidays. After growing up in an abusive household, I was loath to spend time with my family. I did not talk to them for several years and devopex traditions of my own. I volunteered at a homeless shelter serving food and would then meet up with a friend or two afterwards. Sometimes we would meet at these all-night dive dinners, order pie and trade stories. As my friends have gotten older, we now migrate to different people's houses for some wine and help cleaning up. The first year alone was the scariest. I didn't even know what I was going to do until the day! I called around to different shelters and churches until I found one that was willing to have me.

I also have social anxiety and struggle with depression, so I know bow tough it can be to get out of the house, how terrifying... The first time I went to a social event wfter breaking up with my ex, I ended up puking in the bathroom. But I picked myself up and I went! I ended up meeting the guy I am curently dating (nothing serious). He wasn't supposed to be there either.

In order for life to progress, we have to get out there. Make your own traditions. Who knows, it might lead you down the best path you have ever experienced! Life is waiting for you... :)