Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Pasted in from today's
Wolf's Daily Howl
Its become popular in the media and socially, recently,
to use the word entitled, to describe someone whos
arrogant and/or spoiled.
From Wikipedia, the following is listed in regards to
narcissism:
In clinical psychology and psychiatry, an unrealistic, exaggerated, or rigidly held sense of entitlement may be considered a symptom of narcissistic personality disorder, seen in those who 'because of early frustrations...arrogate to themselves the right to demand lifelong reimbursement from fate'.[2]
[Otto Fenichel, The Psychoanalytic Theory of Neurosis (London 1946) p. 499]
Obviously, I understand this increasingly common usage. But
it leaves me feeling uneasy.
If it were me using the term to describe the arrogant, the spoiled
and the narcissistic, Id add the words a perception of disproportionate, exaggerated or inappropriate entitlement.
I feel this way because Im emphatically uncomfortable
with the global demonization of the word entitled. Why?
Lets look at the word:
A belief that one is deserving of certain good things.
Im not the first to believe that everyone is ENTITLED
to good things.
The second paragraph of U.S. Declaration of Independence says:
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.
Well, acknowledging that certain groups werent
specifically mentioned, (women, atheists, all races,
Native Americans and lots of others who fell through
the cracks over the ensuing centuries), the Founding
Fathers held that we all of us are ENTITLED to
certain good things.
We are entitled to goodnesses and blessings, Why?
Because were HERE.
Because the atoms of which were built have aligned
themselves possibly miraculously in US. And
because were here, were entitled to all good things.
And thats why we can pursue good things and good
living in our life, without guilt of any kind. Were ENTITLED
to wonderful things because we ARE.
Im very particular about words.
Words are powerful.
Im uncomfortable with throwing the
word entitlement in (solely) with
narcissism and abuse. Were all entitled
to be entitled. We should not be mugged
out of our birthright because the word
has been co-opted to mean abusive,
and then have the word handed over
to the abusers. Everyone is entitled
to be entitled.
At the very least, we are all entitled to:
stability, to good health, to a good home,
to our opinions, to our emotions, to our
expression, to fulfillment and satisfaction,
to respect, contentment and joy.
Thats my perspective.
(Youre entitled to yours.)
Wolf's Daily Howl
Its become popular in the media and socially, recently,
to use the word entitled, to describe someone whos
arrogant and/or spoiled.
From Wikipedia, the following is listed in regards to
narcissism:
In clinical psychology and psychiatry, an unrealistic, exaggerated, or rigidly held sense of entitlement may be considered a symptom of narcissistic personality disorder, seen in those who 'because of early frustrations...arrogate to themselves the right to demand lifelong reimbursement from fate'.[2]
[Otto Fenichel, The Psychoanalytic Theory of Neurosis (London 1946) p. 499]
Obviously, I understand this increasingly common usage. But
it leaves me feeling uneasy.
If it were me using the term to describe the arrogant, the spoiled
and the narcissistic, Id add the words a perception of disproportionate, exaggerated or inappropriate entitlement.
I feel this way because Im emphatically uncomfortable
with the global demonization of the word entitled. Why?
Lets look at the word:
A belief that one is deserving of certain good things.
Im not the first to believe that everyone is ENTITLED
to good things.
The second paragraph of U.S. Declaration of Independence says:
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.
Well, acknowledging that certain groups werent
specifically mentioned, (women, atheists, all races,
Native Americans and lots of others who fell through
the cracks over the ensuing centuries), the Founding
Fathers held that we all of us are ENTITLED to
certain good things.
We are entitled to goodnesses and blessings, Why?
Because were HERE.
Because the atoms of which were built have aligned
themselves possibly miraculously in US. And
because were here, were entitled to all good things.
And thats why we can pursue good things and good
living in our life, without guilt of any kind. Were ENTITLED
to wonderful things because we ARE.
Im very particular about words.
Words are powerful.
Im uncomfortable with throwing the
word entitlement in (solely) with
narcissism and abuse. Were all entitled
to be entitled. We should not be mugged
out of our birthright because the word
has been co-opted to mean abusive,
and then have the word handed over
to the abusers. Everyone is entitled
to be entitled.
At the very least, we are all entitled to:
stability, to good health, to a good home,
to our opinions, to our emotions, to our
expression, to fulfillment and satisfaction,
to respect, contentment and joy.
Thats my perspective.
(Youre entitled to yours.)
I think that the definition of "entitled." has to depend on the rest of the sentence. Like...
My ex felt entitled to everything we built together. (arrogant). The judge however felt that I was entitled to half of it. As did the justices. and me. I felt entitled to the fruits of my labors of 40 years. So...that falls under the good things....We are all entitled to good things.
My ex felt entitled to sit around, get drunk, and criticize everything I did...Arrogant. Narcissistic. I felt entitled to leave him. LOL. but again.. I am entitled to good things, he was not, so I was entitled to leave. As was my son.
So....it's all in the usage. We have to choose our words carefully, and we have to listen in the same way....
Very good post Ilene. Thought provoking. Love ya....
But in all honesty, I associate the word with abuse. I do not, never have "felt" entitled to anything. I have felt that I "earned" certain rights as being "privey" to certain rewards based on acceptable behavior and reward system.
But I do agree with you about the demonization of the word and words that mean things. Just as "faith" use to mean to me to relenquish without further thought. Now it means "let go". Just let it go. But the thoughts are still there.
Sigh...
Great post Ilene.
In general terms I would say that we are all entitled to our own freedom provided that exercising that freedom does not take freedom away from others.
It is the area in which the percieved freedoms of one individual conflict with the percieved freedoms of another where problems arise. Taking one simple example if two vehicles are at a junction and one wishes to go north/south and another east/west we have a potential conflict of freedoms.
In this case often traffic lights are used effectively removing the freedom of both motorists with the payoff that a fair, objective, unbiased system is used to determine which vehicle has the right of way at any given moment.
There are many cases however when excercising our freedoms, does not have any impact on another person over which they do not have options regarding how they react.
For example we all should be entitled to do what we like with our own bodies, including:
How we dress
Cutting and styling hair
Getting earings or other body piercings
Getting tattoos
Or even I would say theoretically areas such as self harm or suicide
Other people may have adverse reactions, but in the end people's bodies are their own to do what they like with.
Entitelments which should go without question are to things like:
Being alive
Feeling what we want
Thinking what we want
Believing what we want
Considering how we use our time
Another entitlement that should be fundamental is entitlement to privacy, and the entitelment to use our privacy as we see fit, for example:
Watching what we want on the television (provided it is not something like child pornography)
Doing what we like on the computer (again not things like child pornography or grooming children etc)
Doing what we like with our own bodies
etc....
In an absolute sense it could be argued that we have the right to express ourselves in any way we please that does not include physical touching or other physical molestation of others.
Where non touching physical molestation of others would include throwing things at people, using arms, making loud noises etc.
Expressing feelings and opinions should also be done in an appropriate way taking account of the fact how the other person might react and refraining from derogatory, critisizing or otherwise invalidating comments, and in most cases people should avoid overt expressions of anger, but in some cases it might be appropriate.
At the end of the day on the basis of the right to privacy the other person is entitled to walk away and not be followed if they don't like what they are hearing or seeing.
Some other entitlements which should be obvious are the entitlements to:
Not be touched physically if it is not wanted
Not be touched sexually if it is not wanted
Not be emotionally abused
Not be psychologically abused
Not be spiritually abused
Not diliberately embarrased
Not be given a substance without knowledge
Not be followed without knowledge
etc
In the end what we are legitimately entitled to and what we are not entitled to is all about boundaries and applying the same framework of values to ourselves and others. It is about defining mutually accepted rules in a relationship and in a broader context having a commonly accepted set of principles protecting the individula rights of each person.
In my opinion where entitlement runs out is as soon as people start to think that they have entitlement over others.
In my opinion the question of entitlement as applied to the abuser is the sense of entitlement over the lives of others.
I used the word entitled from Lundy Bancroft, but the term is really short for a longer definition. This is from a Bancroft article:
"Entitlement: A man who batters considers himself entitled to a special status within the family, with the right to use violence when he deems it necessary.6 This outlook of entitlement can lead to selfish and self-centered behavior on his part. For example, he may become irate or violent when he feels that his partner is paying more attention to the children than to him. It is difficult for children to have their needs met in such an atmosphere and they are vulnerable to role-reversal, where they are made to feel responsible to take care of the battering parent."
I felt that this summed up my H so succinctly that I started throwing around the word "entitlement."
But you are right, that word is much broader than the specific usage by Lundy Bancroft, and he defines the way he uses it anyway.
Next time I use the word in the context of abuse, I'll try to tack on a more specific definition or use a more specific term.
I used the word entitled from Lundy Bancroft, but the term is really short for a longer definition. This is from a Bancroft article:
"Entitlement: A man who batters considers himself entitled to a special status within the family, with the right to use violence when he deems it necessary.6 This outlook of entitlement can lead to selfish and self-centered behavior on his part. For example, he may become irate or violent when he feels that his partner is paying more attention to the children than to him. It is difficult for children to have their needs met in such an atmosphere and they are vulnerable to role-reversal, where they are made to feel responsible to take care of the battering parent."
I felt that this summed up my H so succinctly that I started throwing around the word "entitlement."
But you are right, that word is much broader than the specific usage by Lundy Bancroft, and he defines the way he uses it anyway.
Next time I use the word in the context of abuse, I'll try to tack on a more specific definition or use a more specific term.
The reality is that we are entitled to live a life free from abuse and we are exercising that option! :-)
Tamehau, you are entitled to so much. You need to start believing that.
Ex:Abusers feel entitled to be condescending,critical,punitive,insulting, rageful, hurtful,and because they believe they are superior believe they are entitled to be abusive, to set the rest of the world straight, to correct to patronize and to demonize.
I do believe people are entitled to good things and good people in their life,but not if they feel entitled to abuse them.
I think with an abuser it's more simple than that.
For other people it is, I am entitled to ____, where you fill in the blank, for example:
I am entitled to my freedom
I am entitled to be treated with respect
I am entitled to my privacy
etc....
With an abuser it is simply "I am entitled." There is no restriction, they feel entitled to anything they want, regardless of whether they have to trample on others to get it.