Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
My ex-boyfriend/ emotional abuser was not good
for me in many ways;
He complained about my looks, my cleaning,
alot of my choices, my cooking, and frequently,
he would be hot and cold, moody, confusing, he expressed that he did not really respect the female population in general, I became tired
because of things like this, he would even
lecture, gripe, etc., act nice then mean...
and very confusing, don't forget conceited!!!
Finally when he started chasing
me and confessing to love me more than
EVER, that's when he thought it would
be OK to date another girl, but he's
always thought it's OK to look and flirt,
AS you all know, I broke-up a while ago.
THIS is SO DIFFICULT.
I CONFESS...I keep thinking of the good times,
and think that I should BREAK my No Contact
Rule, and try to see/ talk to him again.
I didn't ever tell him BYE; I have gone to a couple of funerals over the past decade, and it seems like the WORST thing, is the other person not getting to say BYE.
I KNOW that he was NOT good for my heart, OR emotional health, but I FEEL like I invested so much in him, and now I feel like I have NO Closure...
What should I do???
for me in many ways;
He complained about my looks, my cleaning,
alot of my choices, my cooking, and frequently,
he would be hot and cold, moody, confusing, he expressed that he did not really respect the female population in general, I became tired
because of things like this, he would even
lecture, gripe, etc., act nice then mean...
and very confusing, don't forget conceited!!!
Finally when he started chasing
me and confessing to love me more than
EVER, that's when he thought it would
be OK to date another girl, but he's
always thought it's OK to look and flirt,
AS you all know, I broke-up a while ago.
THIS is SO DIFFICULT.
I CONFESS...I keep thinking of the good times,
and think that I should BREAK my No Contact
Rule, and try to see/ talk to him again.
I didn't ever tell him BYE; I have gone to a couple of funerals over the past decade, and it seems like the WORST thing, is the other person not getting to say BYE.
I KNOW that he was NOT good for my heart, OR emotional health, but I FEEL like I invested so much in him, and now I feel like I have NO Closure...
What should I do???
The BEST thing is no contact. None. Out of sight, out of mind. I'm not going to get over this sadness by talking to him or (heaven forbid) see him again. I don't want to know what he's doing, and I don't want him knowing anything about me. We broke. There is no fixing it. Besides, what if he's moved on? Speaking of myself here... do I really want him telling me all about how much his new girlfriend isn't a (insert choice expletive) like I was? If he decides to make me feel guilty... do I want to hear about how I ruined his life? All it's going to do is hinder my progress no matter WHAT words come out of his mouth. I shutter to even think of hearing his voice again.
Don't do it. Be strong. Continue on with YOUR life, not his.
There are lots of ways to get closure, other than seeing him again.
Seeing him again for virtually any reason, is a set-up for catastrophe. (Not that this is typical or probable in your case, but I knew one young woman who agreed to one last meeting, to wrap things up. She'd broken up with him because he'd been emotionally abusive. He asked for a final meeting so she met him in his dorm room. She never walked out.) Even if the risk was smaller than what I just described, there are still all kinds of other things that you're in jeopardy of. You need to process the relationship entirely, both the good times and the abuse. None of this processing requires seeing or talking to him. The processing gets done by actions YOU take.
Just what you described about him, in the post above, is horrible. It clearly illustrates his character as unworthy of relationship with any innocent, loving woman.
Please, please, PLEASE ------ DO NOT see or talk with him again.
If you're interested in other ways to get closure, let me know.
My best to you.
Ilene
When I miss him, I try to replace that with bad memories of him, it typically helps a lot. Mine has no clue of how I feel and that he's an abuser, so no official goodbye from me and no closure here either. But it's not up to me to 'enlighten' him...besides, it wouldn't matter anyway.
Try to resist best you can, the alternative leads nowhere.
"CLOSURE IS NOT BEING ABLE TO SAY YOUR GOODBYES... IT ISN'T EVEN EXPERIENCING AN ENDING THAT YOU ARE SATISFIED WITH... CLOSURE IS ACCEPTING THE REALITY OF THE SITUATION AND USING THAT TO CONSTRUCT NEW POSSIBILITIES..."
You want to give him the respect of a proper 'goodbye'??
I think it would be good if you started listing all those things he gave you...and read, and re-read them..
Like his cheating, the awful putting you down, how nasty and untrustworthy and unpleasant and disrespectful..He REALLY was...
The sad thing is..Yes we do invest a huge amount of ourselves in them...Only to find out that it actually accounts for nothing to them..That fact is very very painful..
Nothing you could have said or done, would have changed him...No 'proper' goodbye, would make you feel better, because he is an abuser..and as anyone who has ever tried to re-visit the abusive relationship again will tell you...
Worse comes your way..and their sense of control over you increases..When they discover that you still have feelings for them..No matter how they treated you..
The heart keep yearning to love them..but its like yearning for a poisen..And its only distance, and futher more fully understanding what you had been dealing with, (and how awful and hopeless they always made it)..and no contact..that can help you move on..
Do not send it.
Read it.
Then burn it.
You can get your closure that way.
Every time you think about good, REMIND yourself of the bad.
He abused you, and cheated on you. Don't break your rule.
Believe me, he doesn't CARE that he got closure. he CARES that he lost control of you. Theres a big difference there.