I am not going to determine if you boyfriend is a good or a bad guy, I cannot. But often the abuse does not come from monsters, he may believe in the moment he said it that it's going to be o.k and he can handle himself differently. The problem is that with the abuse he broke your trust. So you don't know how genuine it is this time, what I can say is that every decision to quit an addiction needs maintenance. He doesn't call it addiction you said, but I think he should know that he needs to prove himself beyond one time of promise. Something that will show he is going to change for good. Some insight.

My comment came out a bit messy. I would not give him the benefit of the doubt and keep working towards leaving because, it's a process and the way to get insight which he needs desperately is to get professional help. He may be buying alcohol outside when you are not there. He broke your trust and he needs to work hard to get it back.

Does he have even a hint that you might want to leave? Because this sounds like a hoovering mechanism to me. If you just basically ignore it, it's likely that he will switch tactics. Just observe him and watch what he does.

Thank you Sidi and Rosenkranz.

I am keeping my eye on him, and not completely letting my guard down. I was wondering if he had an idea but not sure. He isn't saying if he does or not. So far he hasn't gotten anymore alcohol and even went to bed saturday night early so i could have some alone time (only nights i get to myself is when he works early mornings). Gives some hope but I don't want to let my guard down just to end up even more heart broken than i already am

Nobody has the right to bring you to the state you were in when you first got to the group, NOBODY.
This guy should do it first and for most for himself not for anybody else, getting drunk and losing control like that is so barbaric and nothing to be proud of really.
You are on your way to independence don't let him stop you.

J.R. -----

What you describe is
no mystery.

It's TEXTBOOK.

Just for the heck of it
I went to the image option
on my search engine and
typed in "Cycle of Abuse."

The results yielded no less
than THIRTY-SIX PAGES
illustrating the typical
and now famous
VICIOUS CYCLE
that abusers almost
inevitably
progress through.

I know that this may
be new information
on your journey, so to
expand what you know,
when you have a moment,
give it a look.

Also, I'm going to repeat
what I mentioned in
another thread. . . . . .

the alcohol may
escalate his abuse
but it's NOT the CAUSE.

He's pretending to address
his alcohol consumption to
ensure that he doesn't lose
control of his whipping post.

When he feels more comfortable
that he isn't losing control of you,
the alcohol will return
as will the violence.

I'm so sorry you're
feeling lost, because
in fact, you know
what to think
and you know
what this is.

Yes. It's a
cruel joke.
It's a cruel
MANIPULATION.
It's a strategy to
keep you from
shutting down
this
abusive relationship.

If you doubt this,
just let him play
out his hand
and watch what
happens after that.

Please be very careful.

Sending you hugs
and wishes for
safety and
clarity.

As Ilene so wisely said, this is just a manipulation and the alcohol is not the cause.

To add to what has already been said, when you look at alcoholism, it's 10% of the problem. The OTHER 90% is BEHAVIOR! In order to address the behavior, one must first get rid of the alcohol TOTALLY and FOREVER. What he is doing is not only textbook abuse as Ilene said, it is also textbook alcoholic behavior. Just because he throws it out doesn't mean he doesn't have it hidden in other places, including, but not limited to garbage cans, garages, sheds, patios, and/or under the seat or in the trunk of a car. They hide the bottle and pour the alcohol into a glass/cup mixed with a soft drink, coffee, etc.

Another textbook behavior of an alcoholic is lying. Chances are if their lips are moving, they're lying. This is also true of an abuser.

We want to believe they are changing. And they are - I'm sorry to say that they are ONLY changing their tactics.

One thing I learned too late living w/an abusive alcoholic is that they use everything we say to their advantage. So do NOT share ANYTHING with him. Don't question him. Just observe and let it play out as the others have suggested.

Actions always speak louder than words. So if he's not going to therapy, AA or getting help in any way, I'm betting this new behavior will be short lived. And, BTW, just because they go to AA doesn't necessarily mean they give up drinking. I found that out the hard way.

To bring this back around to what I first said, an alcoholic who gives up drinking (the 10%) for however long, and doesn't make any attempt to get help is nothing more than a dry drunk (the 90% behavior). This goes for abusers too.

Sadly, abusers rarely get better (less than 2%) and alcoholics who are abusive are even less likely to stop abusing.

According to your other posts, I would say you are in grave danger. Just because he gives up the alcohol doesn't mean that danger is gone.

Please take good care of yourself.

MTC said: " They hide the bottle and pour the alcohol into a glass/cup mixed with a soft drink, coffee, etc."

The first time my ex gave up drinking, I later found out he had gone to the cabinet where I had a bottle of very expensive gin that was untouched, because I bought it duty free as a special treat, then discovered I was pregnant. At the point he took it (he hates gin), I was still breast feeding so hadn't opened it yet. Turns out, the cordial he'd been drinking at night was laced with gin. Must have tasted AWFUL, but at least he got his fix and could still play the good guy, saying how he'd given up drinking. When he moved out some long time later, I moved the desk in our office and found literally dozens of bags from inside wine boxes hidden behind the desk. No idea when he was drinking them - perhaps while I was at work?

The second time he gave up, I do believe he genuinely quit for some months. Part of the reason I believe it is that, after a short time, his abuse actually got worse. He wasn't physical, but he also didn't have alcohol as an escape from his self-hate any more, so it just built inside him - the rage in him during that period was way scarier than even the violence he exhibited while drinking. Needless to say that phase didn't last either, he went back to drinking. And part of the reason he did was because he never gave up drinking for him - he did it for image. He did it to try to prove to the court (he was awaiting sentencing for domestic violence) that he was a changed man, and partly as a hoovering technique for me (it sort of backfired there, because of the building rage).

Trust your instincts, what your gut is telling you doesn't lie.