Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Hello Everyone! I am at my job posting this as I cannot from home. I have been married to my spouse for 4 years, but together a total of 12. Since the beginning, my spouse was controlling and sometimes a bit verbally/emotionally abusive, but I just accepted it and have given excuses that my spouse had a rough upbringing. But, I went back to work about 7 months ago and in the beginning my spouse was very accepting of it, but in the past three months, she has accused me of cheating on her (which I have never done) and recently, she has been extremely verbally abusive and in the past week has been physically abusive choking me, but then after, she cries telling me how much she loves me and how i have been neglectful since going back to work, so then I question myself and am trying harder again, but keep telling her that she has to trust me. I cannot leave my job because then we would have nothing, but she is not use to me being gone during the day five days a week. Then i feel guilt as i know i could survive financially and she would struggle, and i do love her so very much and would feel guilty leaving, but i am getting scared of her and feel every single day that i am on pins and needles and then question myself if it is my fault. I need insight, strength, and to know if i am really being abused. Thank you all so much
I am concerned about you. I hear a lot of minimization and some self awareness of what is going on in your relationship. I hear you taking on more responsibility for this relationship when it should be an equal relationship. I hear a lot of compassion for your wife, but not so much for yourself.
An abuser who would strangle someone is a very dangerous abuser. She is showing you what she is capable of. This is not something to minimize. This is very dangerous. I know a young woman who was strangled by her boyfriend and it caused a stroke and she had to relearn how to talk, walk, eat. If you are able to familiarize yourself with the studies and literature on domestic violence you'd see that in a risk assessment of abusers strangulation is a factor which makes the risk to the victim increase substantially. Minimizing the risk of this behavior could cost you your life.
I don't doubt your wife has many positive attributes and a rough childhood. People are complex. You are clearly a kind, compassionate person to consider that. And in a certain way, as an explanation, it's helpful to remember these things. But where is your compassion for yourself? Regardless of how many nice traits your wife has, or her poor upbringing what she does not have the right to abuse you. What she is doing to you is just plain unacceptable. There are lines one doesn't cross or they are trampling on the basic human rights of others to feel physically and emotionally safe and to grow as a person. That is never okay. The reasons why fade away in the face of these kinds of transgressions.
The way your wife loves is not healthy. It's not the love that you need, you deserve, or one that you can easily understand. For your wife love is all tied up with control. There is no way for you to untangle this for her-she needs to do it on her own because until she learns to untangle it and is successful at it you are still at risk. Your boundaries are not about hurting her-they are about protecting yourself and she hasn't given you any other choice by her behaviors. Hon, you are not responsible for her-weather she supports herself, whether she she understands why you need to protect yourself-please reflect on what you are responsible for and can control and what you can't. Use those therapist skills for self reflection to gain that insight that will help you drop that bag of bricks-guilt!
As a therapist my other concern for you is vicarious trauma, burnout, compassion fatigue-issues that could affect your competency as a therapist. When a therapist has a difficult home life that therapist is more susceptible to taking on the trauma of their patients-which could be bad for both you and your clients. Do you practice self care? If so I hope you are practicing self care strategies right now in this very difficult time. It can be a mitigating factor for trauma, as you may know in your professional capacity. Taking care of yourself, protecting yourself is not selfish at all-its necessary for the caregivers and helpers of the world like yourself. Have you considered therapy for yourself with a trauma specialist?
There are many safe ways to leave. I'd suggest coming up with maybe 3 or so ways to safely to do it, and play the Logical Consequences or the What If game and follow the options down to their logical conclusion and see what might be your best option.
There is a lot of support out here for you while you are going through this!