Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group

Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.

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Elijahblu 08/18/2009

Okay so I've finally left...got my own place...another vehicle and basically starting over again when I find out he has pancreatic cancer. So I try to be nice letting him come over spend time, sometimes spend the night because i thought everything was cool. (nothing physical) All the time I'm thinking "what am I doing" this is the same guy who was terrible...but he's so much better now. Going through this was like sleeping with one eye open always waiting and sure enough the "gloom" started to creep in my house. Not speaking for hours laying on the floor not being social with me or his son. If I hadn't been through years of his behavior I would have maybe thought it was the chemo. Finally we arrived to a familiar place the one where he's quiet and then he says "Let me ask you a question" and I knew then it was coming, the cursing and the darkness in his face as if he hates me. That day when I left to take him home. I've never gone back, called or answered his calls. I don't know how long I can do this because we have a son together but I'm really at a place where I don't want to be bothered at all not now. I've only been in my new home a little over 2 months. I just feel like I need time to clear my head and stabilize my feelings. I feel like I just want to stay away until I can figure out how to deal with myself and him. I thought when I moved the abuse would stop but I see now as long as I'm with him it will continue. Is it realistic for me to be able to stay away as long as I can? I wonder how to handle this relationship for my son too? Any suggestions, advice and experiences are greatly appreciated.

layersuponlayers 08/18/2009

Although you clearly have a caring heart and want to help make this better, YOU cannot. You have been trying to make things right the whole relationship haven't you?

He needs some piece of information that you have not as yet provided. I know this because that is how it works. You are sacrificing your independence and peace of mind.

There are other areas he can get help. He won't find them if he is trying to get it fixed with you.

I respect your caring and feelings. Some things we cannot fix and I think it is important to know when to let go and start anew.

I hope that doesn't all sound dumb. Good luck....Karen

deleted_user 08/18/2009

I have gone through the same thing. I let my guard down and I regretted it. Set boundaries. After I moved out my husband found more creative ways to be abusive and controlling. Until he gets therapy he will not change. Distancing yourself from him is good. I communicated by email or text regarding kids for the first 8 weeks. I had to set boundaries. Of course he crossed them every chance he got. For example, he came to pick up the kids and walked inside my house-breaking a boundary, he then started to yell and cuss at me. I calmly told him he was breaking my boundary and he needed to leave my home. Of course he refused to leave and continued to yell. I took out the phone I had in my pocket and called the police. He quickly left to avoid police. The police did not have to get involved or come out. He eventually learned to stay outside or even in the car. I also tried to pick up the kids from his house as often as possible, so he wont try anything.

Remember you are on a path to a life of freedom! Don't get discouraged.

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