I’m not sure why exactly I went in search of forums. Maybe because I need affirmation of something I already know? Maybe it’s because I want to be told I’m wrong? Whatever the case may be, I know there are three sides to every story- here’s mine in a nutshell. 

My husband and I have been married for two years. We’ve known each other for eleven, sparsely dated (if you could even call it dating) when we became roommates because we both needed a roommate and where we live, rents are insanely high. I always knew deep in my gut it was never meant to be but he always chased after me. Even when we were just “roommates” I had saw immediate signs of emotional abuse. It’s more of narcissism that controls his every move. His anger is far out of his control and he speaks to me as if I’m beneath him. About four months into living together we had gotten pregnant and while I didn’t want to marry, he thought it was right thing to do and so I went along with it. All through my pregnancy he was emotionally abusive, and still is to this day. I’ve tried on many occasions to leave, and he has physically prevented me from doing so, locking me in the house and shoving me to the floor whilst screaming. Our son who is now two sees this happening constantly and cries while he reaches for me. It makes me tear up just writing that because my son is the absolute light of my life. Entering into a room will get me screamed at by my husband- I’m too loud, I’m in his way, I’m not moving fast enough- everything sets him off. 

Nothing I ever do is right. I’m too slow, or I’m too fast. I’m too loud, or I always mumble; I‘m “disheveled fu*k” but yet I “always did so much”.  I am “a shitty checked out mom” yet I’m the “greatest mom ever”.  When he says these things I truly stand there and think “What man who loves a woman calls her a “disheveled fu*k?” Truthfully. I’ll ask him and he’ll flat out tell me to “shut the f- up”. He throws things on the floor and will yell “clean it up bit*h”  

All of these things are just the tip of the mass of problems that occur. Both of our families are aware of the issues, they tell us both to be more communicative with each other and don’t support a divorce. Both sides (his family and mine) have single handedly either been victims of or have witnessed his verbal/emotional abuse. I have been clearly told that I shouldn’t ask for help if I decide to leave because it’s not the right thing to do for our son. I don’t even know where to take my next step. I’m tired of being screamed at. I’m tired of crying. I’m tired of being afraid. Nothing I say gets through to him. I cook every meal and serve it to him, do all of the cleaning and laundry and never ask him to help because I don’t mind doing it (honestly). Im in grad school for my second master’s degree, while juggling a career and a toddler and I do it with grace and pride. I know these things about myself. But why can’t I just cut the nonsense and pick up and just go? We’ve been to counseling and therapy together as well as apart. I still haven’t found it in myself to pick up and leave. I’ve asked him to leave multiple times and he refuses to. When I even bring up the notion of a separation things get so much worse. I don’t know what the answer is anymore. My son doesn’t deserve it but I am so terrified my husband’s retaliation would affect my son more than he’s affected where we are. 

I’ve taken minor steps to prepare- have removed him as an authorized user on my credit cards, opened a separate checking account at a different bank than the one we jointly have an account at together. I have a backpack in my car with clothes for my son as well as myself in case it becomes “too much”. But I know my husband. I know him. I know 100% he will hunt me down, show up at my job and create a scene. In the state we live in, we can’t file for a restraining order based on emotional abuse, there needs to be a police report filed for physical abuse and even then it doesn’t guarantee a restraining order. He has stated openly that he will take my son and leave the country. 

I have spoken to his psychiatrist about my concerns and he is concerned as well. His doctor feels as if he is manic with narcissistic tendencies and is concerned because my husband does not take his medication. He’s a brilliant engineer but believes the medication “doesn’t make him feel right”. I know I can’t help someone who doesn’t think they need help to begin with. I believe deep in my heart that if I take my son and leave one day that it will make it so much worse- even though logically I know that ISNT the case. I’ve never met someone who has made me feel so bad about myself but will then attempt to flatter me and tell me I do so much. Just today he threw a glass of wine in my face for accidentally knocking over his drink that was on the edge of the counter. He began shouting that I’m careless and stupid, I told him it shouldn’t have been left on the edge, he proceeded to laugh, open a bottle of Gatorade and pour it on the floor, while I was cleaning the spilled drink. It was in that moment that I felt something inside of me die.  A piece of my pride just left me because I know I’m not lacking intelligence or common sense. My fear of leaving is from the financial crisis that will occur and the fear of him taking my son from me. We purchased a house a year ago and most certainly can’t afford to sell. Everything we have is wrapped up in our home and I believe he knows that and will use that to keep me here. He also knows I would walk through fire for my son and he is using him as leverage. 

I apologize for the rambling. I’ve thought about this for such a long time. I just wish I had the courage to leave and never come back.