In more ways than one he is Avoidant, does that make him an abuser of you? I'm not so sure that it does, you have good reason to be frustrated with him though, it is only natural that you would be.

Your boyfriend has an Attachment type that is the worst, and it is almost certain that his mother taught him to be, but hey, let's not blame his mother because it is almost certain that as a baby her mother treated her the same way, it's a vicious cycle.

From what I am reading you are poles apart, and sadly it is most likely that it will remain that way. The legitimate question you must ask of yourself is, how much more of this am I prepared to tolerate before it becomes too much?

I wish you all the luck in the world, and sense that you may need it and more.

In order to diagnose a personality type or disorder, one must have the proper credentials and they must also meet with the actual person. All we can do here is to give our opinions.

Since you are asking, it appears you know on some level that you aren't being treated in a loving or respectful way. At worst, he could be abusive. At best, he is clueless. Either way, you aren't happy. And he has already indicated by his actions (or lack thereof) that he is NOT going to change.

And that is ENOUGH.

He is SHOWING and TELLING you who he is.

Listen to him.

Once we identify that we aren't being treated in a certain way (respectful, loving, etc. you fill in the blank),

and

we have communicated our wants/needs to the other person and they have responded as he has (by continuing the behavior),

then it is time to make a decision - stay or leave.

People more often than not pay attention to actions over words. By staying, you are teaching him how to treat you. And you are not taking good care of yourself by continuing to expose yourself to his toxic/dysfunctional behavior.

Telling him how you feel/think about how he treats you and then staying intimates that you accept how he treats you, whether you intend that or not. Staying sends a strong message that its ok for him to continue the unacceptable behavior. (i.e. when there are no negative consequences for unwanted behavior, the behavior continues.) Especially if he is abusive, as long as his 'source' (you) is readily available he will continue to be abusive.

It is up to you to decide whether you want to put up with him and his unacceptable behavior for one more day.

Just to be on the safe side, should you decide to leave, make sure you have a SAFE plan in place.

~healing hugs~

You're in an intimate relationship
which means that both physical
intimacy and emotional intimacy
are considered to be appropriate
within this relationship.

For him to shut down the conversations
you attempt to have with him about your
feelings, whether because he's "tired" or
because he feels confronted when you
ask him to meet your needs, constitutes
a flagrant disregard for you and your needs.

This, then, is neglect.

Neglect, within the context of
an intimate relationship, is
abusive.

You've been in this relationship
for two years. If, at this point in
time, your needs remain unfulfilled
in this relationship, know for certain
that whatever's been wrong thus far
will get worse over time.

MTC's obsveration is correct.
This is the moment to decide
what you want in relationship
and in your life which means
that it's come to the moment
when you need to decide to
stay or go.

Here's one other thought:

If you decide to stay, and
the relationship gets no
better than it is at this
time, how will you feel
about leaving when
you're 45, when
you're 50, when
you're 55?

Don't through your
precious years away
on a partner who
disregards your
needs.

Please take good care
of yourself.

Sounds like marriage to me. : P

Dump him and run!

Hi, it doesn't have to be according to the definition of abuse for you to protect yourself and maybe consider this relationship again. You are exposing yourself and your feelings, and according to you he is not. He is blocking your emotions and resolve of the situation. I have been there. I tried really hard to make things work, but he wasn't there in the relationship with me. He was observing.

That you for the support!

When I decided to divorce my abusive husband, many people told me: "It takes two people to ruin a marriage!" I disagree. I takes two people to make a marriage (or relationship) work smoothly. It takes only one disinterested partner to destroy it. Take it from one who spent 17 years trying to be a better wife. I was an A+ wife by the end, but the marriage was basically non-existent.

I also need to add that he was in a motorcycle accident years earlier before we met. For the longest time I blamed everything on the fact that he couldn't remember to make plans with me or show me affection. I've asked him to write things down, but he claims he can't remember to. A therapist we saw told him to write things down that are important to me that we discussed the day before so he can follow up and see how I'm doing with things and show that he is listening. He does have a full time job at a factory manufacturing truck bodies. He always gets to work on time and does his job efficiently including blueprints. I've also thought maybe some of this could be P.T.S.D. from the military. Once again, tonight, he failed to show affection after we discussed it last night. In the past I had asked him what I was doing wrong and he stated that it wasn't me. Tonight, he said it was my attitude about asking about it all the time. I've also tried the other approach of not asking, but to no avail.. He said he is afraid to show me affection because I'm upset with him. We hadn't been intimate for four months and when I asked him what was going on, he said he was having some E.D. issues, but months later when we were finally intimate no problems there. He intimately avoided me for months knowing that I wanted to be with him. I am so hurt!

You are suffering right now. You are making an effort to change things and he is blocking you. It doesn't make him a bad person or says he wants to hurt you, and I cannot even conclude that he doesn't love you. As you said, he has gone through things that probably make him shut down. But it doesn't mean your needs should be neglected. People who avoid facing and working on their problems will often blame their partner It's important you don't take his issues personally and let it put you in a weak position. If you know things will not change because he doesn't want to change and make the effort then why continue with this relationship?

Hon, he sounds like my ex. Narcissists. I tried for 23 years and failed. If he is treating you like this now, how do you think that is going to change if you were to marry him. It is emotional abuse. Please think very carefully about staying with him. Hugs

He sounds a lot like my ex-husband. When I would talk to him about his lack of affection he would tell me that I obviously was not hugged enough as a child. I couldnt take the abuse and lack of affection anymore a year ago and am now divorced from him.