Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Our youngest daughter had an intake appointment today at the center for children. It takes three visits for the intake portion, and I have to sit in on each of these appointments. Following this, she will begin therapy with counselor, and if needed with a psychiatrist as well.
Anyway, I learned quite a bit about my daughter...her thoughts and feelings today, just by listening to her answers to these questions. But during the visit, the fight she had with her father a few weeks ago came out, including the things that he said. From there, the therapist began to ask other questions, concerning my daughters relationship with her father, to which she (very honestly) stated that she doesn't see him as he comes home too late, and even when she does he doesn't speak to her anyway as he doesn't like her. From there, the therapist began to ask my daughter questions concerning how my relationship with her is, and then how mine and her fathers relationship is. To which she replied with utmost honesty, and it is distressing that she has seen more than I knew. She was very vocal about how her dad used to hit her mom but not anymore (I wasn't even aware she knew this), but that he is always mean to me....calling me names, yelling at me and expecting me to do everything for him. Who knew how perceptive and aware they can be?! And how sad!
Well, long story short.....therapist tells me that she must report this as this constitutes pretty significant emotional abuse, she will call me to let me know how we proceed. Also tells me that it has now been proven that emotional abuse alters the brains structure (information I googled tonight and confirmed).
I have to say that I am conflicted about my feelings. Part of me is scared out if my mind to have cps involved in this chaos. I realize this is a slippery slope and I run a risk of having both my girls removed from my care. Another part of me is oddly relieved, the elephant in the room is no more, and maybe finally my children can honestly begin to heal, and maybe this will be my out. Maybe I can finally make a true, clean, safe break from him.
Just thinking out loud.
Anyway, I learned quite a bit about my daughter...her thoughts and feelings today, just by listening to her answers to these questions. But during the visit, the fight she had with her father a few weeks ago came out, including the things that he said. From there, the therapist began to ask other questions, concerning my daughters relationship with her father, to which she (very honestly) stated that she doesn't see him as he comes home too late, and even when she does he doesn't speak to her anyway as he doesn't like her. From there, the therapist began to ask my daughter questions concerning how my relationship with her is, and then how mine and her fathers relationship is. To which she replied with utmost honesty, and it is distressing that she has seen more than I knew. She was very vocal about how her dad used to hit her mom but not anymore (I wasn't even aware she knew this), but that he is always mean to me....calling me names, yelling at me and expecting me to do everything for him. Who knew how perceptive and aware they can be?! And how sad!
Well, long story short.....therapist tells me that she must report this as this constitutes pretty significant emotional abuse, she will call me to let me know how we proceed. Also tells me that it has now been proven that emotional abuse alters the brains structure (information I googled tonight and confirmed).
I have to say that I am conflicted about my feelings. Part of me is scared out if my mind to have cps involved in this chaos. I realize this is a slippery slope and I run a risk of having both my girls removed from my care. Another part of me is oddly relieved, the elephant in the room is no more, and maybe finally my children can honestly begin to heal, and maybe this will be my out. Maybe I can finally make a true, clean, safe break from him.
Just thinking out loud.
I don't have children, but I do have a dog. Even though he was not abused as far as I am aware, I do know he was affected by the tension surrounding my emotionally abusive relationship. I can only imagine how much more insight a human child has, and how much more they may potentially see and understand that we as adults are not immediately aware of.
I pray for a good outcome, and that before any confrontations arise , my kids and I will be safe, but more than that, I hope that any other parents who are on the fence, feeling like they are protecting their kids or keeping them safe, I hope you realize, well....trust your first instinct. If you know in your gut that your kids are being hurt by your partners words, neglect, or even abuse of you....trust that feeling. Don't trust your abuser, they lie!
I wish more therapists and experts would publicize the damage abuse does to the brain. There are decades old studies that have shown this, yet no one is really talking about it. I watched recent dr phil & dr oz shows on abuse & it wasn't mentioned. Not even once!
Please keep us posed and I will be keeping you and your children in my thoughts and prayers.
My daughter has a psychotic disorder, schizoaffetive disorder-it's like combination of a mood disorder like bipolar and schizophrenia. It is a neurological disease, it has a genetic component, but environment plays a roll as well. It's like a glass vase that has a weakness in the glass, a thinness that you can't see with the naked eye. If the class vase is put in a display case and admired and rarely touched you may never know it has this flaw, if the vase is used, and handled often one day it may just crack.
I have no doubt the abuse was a factor in the abnormal neurological development of my daughter's "schizophrenic" brain. It was not the only factor, but even low levels of chronic stress can wreak havoc on the central nervous system of any individual-not to mention the delicate nature of a child's developing brain. I must come to terms with the fact it was undeniably a factor. I have so much guilt.
I hope CPS helps your situation, they are not as scary and unreasonable as you might initially think-although I know it's a terrifying prospect having them involved. Hopefully it will help you get access to resources to keep you and your kids safe!!! You are right-we parents use denial when we consider what this does (or doesn't) do to our kids and thinking we are protecting them by staying with our abusers. It is so terribly sad-because we really think we are doing the right thing and then find out so late we so tragically missed that mark. Thank you for sharing that.
I don`t have children, but do remember what it was like living with an abusive father. You are doing everything possible to help your girls, and you have suffered so much yourself too. I hope that all the right people see that it is him, as MTC said. They and you deserve that support and vindication of being helped and believed.
Please take care of yourself and do keep us posted on how things are for you. Hugs xxx
My daughter is 16 now and still struggles. She's been in therapy for 5 years, and really things have not gotten much better. I've been going from therapist to therapist, but she has a hard time talking about what her dad was like. To top it off, he died in 2012 from his alcoholism, so much is left unsaid. He never truly told her how much he loved her.
I too would be so afraid that she was going to be taken away from me because as a parent, we are responsible for having our children exposed to the abuse. It was what gave me the strength to kick my abuser out of the house. Him I could live without; her....no way.
It's a huge plus that your daughter is talking about what she witnessed and how she feels. Hopefully you can move forward with moving on away from him.
I understand that these steps
bring you to a scary precipice
which has the potential of
your losing control.
But in reality, how much
"control" have you had
living under the roof
of abuse?
My hunch is that this is
the start of better times
for you and your children.
Sending you enormous
hugs and wishes for
safety and happiness.
Take good care of yourself.
Cant74deal, I'm so sorry you and your daughter are going through this situation as well, and I will pray for healing for you both. I have been wondering since my daughter started 'acting out' at 3, if the home situation may play a role in her behavior. But I doubted myself, my intuition. I believed him when he told me I was ruining my kids because I coddled them too much at first. Then, I was too terrified of the prospect of leaving my children without my buffering presence to stay gone....he threatened to take them, and even if he didn't, visitation would have been hell on them. But the home situation was always kept secret. I keep thinking of something I read once about unruly, oppositional children. How when in a neglectful or abusive home, one child who is more vocal about their displeasure, fears, and anger...in short, the one who refuses to play the silence game...is singled out as the problem, when the reality is far from the truth. Trouble is, I still find it difficult to really name this as abuse.
Ugh I wonder when my kids became smarter and stronger than their parents!!!'
I was abused as a kid, and I have CPTSD. I don't know if I have brain damage per se, but it's really difficult for me to focus sometimes, and I have what I like to call an "allergy" to adrenaline.
That's why I think it's so important to get kids away from the abuser. If not for the woman, for the children.
Hugs.