I just want to say u respect your decision and if u feel that u no longer need to post then that's fine.

You have been supportive and although your in NC if u ever need to get your feelings out then we are here for you. I understand that even thou your in NC, it's still hard to process everything so just so u know, everyone understands if u need to rant about things or express your feelings and your a valued member of this group.

Hugs xxxxxx

I am so very sorry, Joanie,
I really hope sometime in the future you will see that grieving for something you can't have is a total waste of your life, and you will want to go out with your friends or enjoy your animals again, instead of staying home grieving.
I wish you the very best with whatever decide and I hope you check in once in awhile to vent or whatever. We will miss you.

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Joanie, I honor your decision, but would like to offer my thoughts.

We all need help at one time or another. While are getting that help & support, it's not always necessary to extend help to others. That will come naturally in time as you heal.

If we don't take care of ourselves first, there's no way we can help others. Taking care of ourselves includes a lot of different things, but one of them is accepting help & support w/o having to do anything!

Just because your abuser isn't bothering doesn't necessarily mean you are in no need of support.

Here's a little about what I know about grief...

I've done a lot of research on this subject & facilitated a grief group. In addition to that, I'm learning even more in my current training. Based on many experts, like Kubler-Ross, loss is loss & it doesn't matter if it's loss of a job or a broken object or the love of your life or the fantasy of what you thought you had or what you wanted. The body doesn't recognize the difference.

Grief is the internal feelings of loss. Mourning is the external or outward expression of that grief. From what I have learned in my training, it is important to honor and FELL those feelings. If we don't allow ourselves to mourn our loss then it just gets stuffed inside and causes or worsens depression.

I hope you decide to come back and know that this group is here for you and you don't have to contribute until you are ready. It's ok to express whatever it is you are feeling & dealing with.

Sending you love & light & lots of hugs.....

MTC made my response seem harsh, and I really did not mean to sound that way. You made my heart hurt so bad the other day when you were talking about a concert you would love to go to.
Then you said you would prefer to stay home and grieve. That made me so sad that it seemed like you do not want to even think it might be good to just take your mind off grieving for just a few hours. Just once in awhile, It could really help. I so want you to feel better.

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I agree with what the others said, but just wanted to add one more comment. If you are doing YOU good by being here, then you are doing good for someone, someone very valuable, someone who deserves to be cared for, nourished, supported and validated.

Thank you all for your very kind words and your support. Gem, I would like to apologize if I did or said anything to offend you or hurt your feelings. I surely did not mean to. At this point I am just trying to keep it together. The one friend I can talk to who works for a mental health facility, in talking with me Friday, begged me to call my therapist or the crisis hotline. I have come to a point where I can't escape from or bury "it "anymore and I work with abusers. To go to therapy, I need insurance, so I need the job yet the job is likely most of the reason for my anxiety and depression. As of Friday, with my home, vehicle and bills hinging on that job, I was looking at a simplistic way out. Just didn't have the guts to take it. :( As of today, in survival mode for now but numb. Hope I have not offended, triggered, or bothered anyone with my truth but just felt the need to speak it. Sorry.

Joanie,
I am just sad because I can't help you feel better. Yes my heart hurts for you and I am so very sorry what you are going through. Of course you did nothing to offend. I am so sorry you got that impression. We will be thinking of you and will miss you. Please let us know how things are going and please feel free to vent anytime.

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Joanie ----

This is not just a place to come
when you're dealing with crisis.

At no time since I've been posting,
which is a long time now, have I
been with an overt abuser. (I was
dating a skunk for nearly a year,
but didn't realize it, until the end.)

This is a place to keep growing
and to share your journey and
the journey of others.

If you don't feel capable of
contributing right now,
perhaps you'll come back
sometimes, to read.

If that doesn't bring you
support ---- then go with
your gut.

Whatever you choose,
I send you loving hugs
and healing prayers.

Please take good care.

Hi Joanie,

I am not sure that I read your post right, but there was a line that has me a bit worried:

' I was looking at a simplistic way out. Just didn't have the guts to take it. :( '

I could be reading this wrong, and forgive me if I am, but it feels like you are hinting at suicide. Yep, I am going to go ahead and say it... That big ugly word that everyone hates, because it is at the heart of depression. It seems like the only way out when you come to the end of your rope and have taken everything you can bare... And nothing, not one more thing can you be burdened with without collapsing.

It is a nameless place of no hope and darkness waiting in the pit of your stomach to swallow you up whole, if you let it.

I know because I have been there. Recently.

My ex drove me to the point where I had lost all my identity, nothing interested me anymore or gave me any pleasure and joy. He left me shaken down to the core of my being, a shell of a person. I don't think there are enough words to describe the state of depression I was in.

I took a walk with my dog in the woods by my house. I didn't even realize it at the time, but the purpose of my walk was to decide if I was going to live or die. Point blank. There you have it. The truth stripped. Raw.

I chose to live. Why? Because I have never, not once, lived fully from who I am. I have never lived according to my own rules, my own desires. I have never once done what I wanted to do, and lived life my own way.

I decided in that moment to put myself first. Being evicted, screwing up my credit, losing my car, meant nothing in comparison to losing my life. They are just things.

I don't mean to go on and on... But I am serious here, you owe it to yourself to fully live from yourself, to live your dreams, to do whatever it takes to make them happen.

Joanie, I don't mean to go on and on... but I want you to know that I care about you, that you can live a deep and meaningful life. That happiness does exist.

Most importantly:

You Are Not Alone.

Freedom, you did not take the line out of context. I am really tired. I am just not strong enough to let go. Not sure what to do at this point. I just keep on existing.

You are strong enough to stay. You are, or else you would no longer be here.

Follow those glimmers inside of you for desire and pleasure, like going to the concert. It may take all of your strength, but do it. Depression thrives in the absence of light, which is why you feel like you have no energy. I understand that day to day living can take up much of the energy you have, but keep some of it for yourself.

It was hard for me at first too. Sometimes it still is. I started taking medication (anti-depressants) so that I could live long enough to change the situation I am in. It has not been all sunshine and roses, but my life is drastically different than it was a few months ago. Most importantly, I am alive.

Follow what makes you happy.

Why do we allow one person to master our destiny.. Why does our value to ourselves and others end up being based on what someone else thinks, or how they treated us? We all existed before we met our abusers, we had lives, we got out of bed daily, we showered, dressed, worked, ate, socialized on one level or another, then went to bed and did it all over again, why when we are post abuser do we find this to be unbearable, why does death feel and look more appealing post abuse when our days feel mundane. Why do we give them the power to decide if we live or die. Why do we give up completely as if one person on this planet mattered that much that we just forfeit ourselves for the pleasure of another. No one person is entitled to take away the things we had before them, we can get them back, it takes time, it takes work, but it can be attained. Suicide is just giving up, he wins...

If it was because of one person, perhaps I could start to overcome. This depression, hopelessness and anxiety is a build up of around 38 years of abuse, starting with sexual abuse as a very young child, growing up in an emotionally and physically abusive household, further sexual abuse in my teens and later years along with more emotional and physical abuse. I may at times fixate on my last ex but HE is not the reason for my extreme sadness. He did disappoint me and he did lie but he was no more harmful than the ones before him and he actually at times helped me with my depression. Sadly, he may of in his moments he was not using, cared more for me than my own family does. :( As for the doctors, I have been to my main dr crying in his office and never gotten any meds for anxiety or depression. Tried another dr and he put me on ritalin and Wellbutrin, tried them for over 3 months and noticed no changes..went off them. Thank you for your advice and support everyone. I just wanted to say there is no one person to blame here, unless it is me for not being able to overcome this wall of grief coming down on me now. It has just gotten so heavy.

Joanie,
I hear your heartache and feel it right along with you, I too go through times when I see no light at the end of the tunnel, I get to the point of breathing in, and breathing out, and that is all I can do is breath, because I don't have the energy to do anything else.
I read in prevention book that we have to choose happiness, even when we don't feel happy.
Today joanie, one day at a time, even one breath at a time, enjoy one thing. Even if its a bowl of cereal, or combing your hair, or petting your pet. Smile at someone, anyone just to get a return smile.
There is love here even though we don't say it, there is people who care for you. So today do one thing that will give you hope Joanie, you are cared for.
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Just want to thank everyone for thier support.