Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Hey!! I'm new here but I'm also over in the PTSD support group (still new there, but not quite as knew).
There's something I wanted to talk about that I thought would be good to put here.
I got abused in the first place because I wanted to help her desperately, I gave her all of me and everything I had and wanted to help her more than anything. She used this against me and eventually turned it into abuse I didn't escape from for far too long. Now, I'm out; and although very sick, I'm safe. I've cut off all connections to her. Sometimes though, when I think about all the horrifying things she did to me, everything I went through, the trauma, all of it, I feel like I'm /supposed/ to be angry. That I'm supposed to hate her. But I don't. I'm not angry, even still, and I don't know why.
I understand that everyone feels things and experiences things differently, so there is no 'supposed to' for anything. But the point is, it feels like I'm supposed to be angry, not that that is actually the case.
Instead of being angry, I still want to help. After all she did to abuse me so much... and I'm so hurt and scared, even still, i want to help. Has anyone else ever felt this? It feels weird and makes me feel broken, even though I know I'm not.
There's something I wanted to talk about that I thought would be good to put here.
I got abused in the first place because I wanted to help her desperately, I gave her all of me and everything I had and wanted to help her more than anything. She used this against me and eventually turned it into abuse I didn't escape from for far too long. Now, I'm out; and although very sick, I'm safe. I've cut off all connections to her. Sometimes though, when I think about all the horrifying things she did to me, everything I went through, the trauma, all of it, I feel like I'm /supposed/ to be angry. That I'm supposed to hate her. But I don't. I'm not angry, even still, and I don't know why.
I understand that everyone feels things and experiences things differently, so there is no 'supposed to' for anything. But the point is, it feels like I'm supposed to be angry, not that that is actually the case.
Instead of being angry, I still want to help. After all she did to abuse me so much... and I'm so hurt and scared, even still, i want to help. Has anyone else ever felt this? It feels weird and makes me feel broken, even though I know I'm not.
I was happily married for twenty plus years to a good man and there are many good memories. The last three years drugs and alcohol became a factor and his personality changed. Over the course of the last three years I have been abused emotionally. He has ruined our lives. Everything we built together. Ruined his career, our finances, destroyed our family. I am deeply sad and confused. I am sick hearted and grieving. Angry? No. Only sometimes when I think of one of my children do I feel a spark of anger. My therapists loves that. GET ANGRY SHANNON. Anger is hard to hold onto when you have been so broken. Maybe we are normal. Maybe the anger comes later after the shock wears off.
Hmm.... I can probably just tell you my own story too. Even though anger has been and is being released over some circumstances for me personally, there are times when and events over which I just feel sad and/or regretful that I couldn't do any more. And what you said is right - there is no 'supposed to' when it comes to feelings. Yours may be different to someone else's, or even as Shannon suggested, your own may change over time and with the digestion of what happened to you.
But even if things don't change and you never have a certain feeling, it doesn't mean you're broken. Not that long ago, I read a story about a lady who feels mostly pity for her mother, who subjected her to severe emotional abuse. That's her story.
And to finish mine, I wasn't always angry, even though logically choosing not to be in close proximity to my abusers was the best thing for me and had already been done. The numbness, sadness and confusion were quite a few years old before anger was ever really accessed. But as I said, even if you never have any because that's not part of your personal reaction to the experience, the other feelings are still yours and they will always be valid. As will anger, should it arrive.
This probably wasn't the most coherent of answers, but I hope it helps you. Hugs xxx
I agree with the others. There is no right or wrong. We honour our feelings and that is what is most important. While anger might make it easier for some people to detach, it also holds people back if they don't get over it. That is why so many religions talk about forgiveness. i believe in being able to forgive and love from a distance but not allow oneself the proximity to be badly treated again! We must all protect ourselves.
I just wrote a song about this for my parents 50th anniversary. I didn't go to the anniversary but basically it was saying, Yes I still care but I can't take on your issues , your darkness anymore. You've driven me away but I still care.
It made me feel so good after I wrote this song. It was the perfect way for me to let them go -- with love instead of anger. But at the same time, "you don't want to change...so bye bye..."
I think that this response to them versus my angry response when they would do or say things that would push me over the edge has given me a lot more peace! I know if I let them get close, I will not be able to be the person I want to be. But if i love them from a distance..i set myself free!
though I'm sorry your
circumstances have
brought you here.
Here's one thing
you might consider:
A person can be angry
without hating.
We can be angry
at what someone
else did. We can
be angry that they
were so uncaring
that they did awful
things.
And still, we don't
necessarily have
to hate.
(We can also forgive
WITHOUT loving.)
Second. . . . .
It's so lovely that you
have an urge to make
things better and generally
help, all around.
That's a warm and
wonderful inclination.
See if you can turn that
wonderful tendency to
support and nurture
yourself-----FIRST.
This is NOT being
selfish. This is our
responsibility as an
adult, which I see you
will be soon. It's our
responsibility to take
care of ourself, and
not be looking to anyone
else, unless they have
lots to spare and want
to share some nurturance
with us. And that's a nice
thing to happen. But it's
no one else's responsibility
to take care of us, once we're
adult. So. . . . first. . . . make
sure to take care of YOURSELF.
And THEN, help others with
what you have to spare.
Finally, you don't have to
hate someone to keep
their toxicity far enough
away to not hurt you.
That's called SELF-CARE.
A huge part of self-care
is maintaining
HEALTHY BOUNDARIES.
Sending you hugs
and wishes for
all good things.