Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
My story, met my husband when I was 12, dated on and off til he moved to California to get away from his emotionally and physically abusive family, to live with his real mother. Things didnt work out with her either and he was miserable, so my family let him come back to live with us. Where we later got engaged and eventually married at 22 and had our son a year and a half later, now I'm 32. Since 17 when he moved in with us, I always had to take care of him, helping him find jobs constantly, he can never keep one, which is true still today.
He always had a temper but I tried to help him knowing the back round he came from. I felt sorry for him. We argued about stupid things but he always apologized and felt bad after. We even argued on the day we got married about the bus being late to pick us up. I thought to myself, really? On my wedding day, its suppose to be happy.
When we were together before my son, he wasnt very controlling, he didnt like my friends but he wasnt stopping me from seeing them. After my son came along things got different. The day my son was born he wickedly talked to my mom in the delivery room. We had discussed that she could be in there before the actual birth but when it came time to push, I was scared and wanted my mom, so she came in. She had only said I thought I wasnt supposed to be in the for this part? to which he sternly replied YOU WERENT!
The dr. just looked at me like WTH? So my mom left the room because shes an adult and didnt want to make things worse for me. Well Im sure thats where all my resentment started, he ruined my happiest day.
The weeks and years to come he became more of an ass about everything, how I raised my son, that Im lazy, I dont clean enough, I dont cook enough or make the right things.
I can never do anything right or the way he thinks it should be done.
Arguments upon arguments, yelling and fighting many threats to leave each other and divorce but that never happened. If he thinks something is not right in his mind, then he tells me think about your son and whats best for him, when the worst thing I want to do is go visit some friends or go to church.
Im so tired of second guessing myself, nothing I ever do is right and if I do work my ass off on cleaning or anything, he always points out what I didnt do, the house looks great but I see you didnt put away the laundry. So irritating, when I am proud of myself, yet he makes me feel defeated.
Ive tried to be strong and put my food down and say ITS OVER! But he always guilts me into staying, he will kill himself or take my son away, cry and cry and cry to make me feel bad that I want to take my son away from his family. So I stay and say I will try and love him again. He says he will make me fall in love with him again. Its just too little too late, I despise him and what he has put me and my son through. Im trying to find the courage and strength to leave but Im scared of what he will do to himself or that he will take my son and run away, that would kill me!
I hate hurting people so much, and taking care of him for son long makes me feel guilty because I do still have feelings for him but I am not in love with him.
I just want it over, for mine and my sons sake and sanity. Im going to lose it soon, Im starting to become angry and lash out at him, I dont want to be like him! But its more get him before he gets me.
He is actually trying now to be a better person, of course he still slips like last night but it just doesnt matter to me anymore.
I need out desperately but he wont let me go. Its hard to explain all that has happened, so many different memories, sure there were some happy ones but that bad out weighs the good. All he wants is family time, family time, he is smothering me. How do I get over the guilt of wanting to leave him?
He always had a temper but I tried to help him knowing the back round he came from. I felt sorry for him. We argued about stupid things but he always apologized and felt bad after. We even argued on the day we got married about the bus being late to pick us up. I thought to myself, really? On my wedding day, its suppose to be happy.
When we were together before my son, he wasnt very controlling, he didnt like my friends but he wasnt stopping me from seeing them. After my son came along things got different. The day my son was born he wickedly talked to my mom in the delivery room. We had discussed that she could be in there before the actual birth but when it came time to push, I was scared and wanted my mom, so she came in. She had only said I thought I wasnt supposed to be in the for this part? to which he sternly replied YOU WERENT!
The dr. just looked at me like WTH? So my mom left the room because shes an adult and didnt want to make things worse for me. Well Im sure thats where all my resentment started, he ruined my happiest day.
The weeks and years to come he became more of an ass about everything, how I raised my son, that Im lazy, I dont clean enough, I dont cook enough or make the right things.
I can never do anything right or the way he thinks it should be done.
Arguments upon arguments, yelling and fighting many threats to leave each other and divorce but that never happened. If he thinks something is not right in his mind, then he tells me think about your son and whats best for him, when the worst thing I want to do is go visit some friends or go to church.
Im so tired of second guessing myself, nothing I ever do is right and if I do work my ass off on cleaning or anything, he always points out what I didnt do, the house looks great but I see you didnt put away the laundry. So irritating, when I am proud of myself, yet he makes me feel defeated.
Ive tried to be strong and put my food down and say ITS OVER! But he always guilts me into staying, he will kill himself or take my son away, cry and cry and cry to make me feel bad that I want to take my son away from his family. So I stay and say I will try and love him again. He says he will make me fall in love with him again. Its just too little too late, I despise him and what he has put me and my son through. Im trying to find the courage and strength to leave but Im scared of what he will do to himself or that he will take my son and run away, that would kill me!
I hate hurting people so much, and taking care of him for son long makes me feel guilty because I do still have feelings for him but I am not in love with him.
I just want it over, for mine and my sons sake and sanity. Im going to lose it soon, Im starting to become angry and lash out at him, I dont want to be like him! But its more get him before he gets me.
He is actually trying now to be a better person, of course he still slips like last night but it just doesnt matter to me anymore.
I need out desperately but he wont let me go. Its hard to explain all that has happened, so many different memories, sure there were some happy ones but that bad out weighs the good. All he wants is family time, family time, he is smothering me. How do I get over the guilt of wanting to leave him?
What happened to him was not in your control. And how he has chosen to deal with it is also not in your control. And its obvious that your empathy, compassion, love and acceptance has not made a difference. If it were going to, it would have 15 years ago.
Abusers are seriously mentally ill. It is rare that they ever seek help and the few who do often do not stick with any sort of therapy long enough to change. It is, unfortunately, a sad, sad truth. This isn't your fault. You've done what you thought you could. Trying to convince him will not change anything.
Threats of taking the kids, killing themselves, and ruining you or harming you are very, very common when an abusers victim tries to leave. They will act as though they are the abused and neglected ones, that you are the one hurting them, never admitting that they have done anything to deserve it. It all serves the purpose to make the victim feel guilty so that they won't leave. I have yet to witness any of my abusers actually commit suicide. All of them are still alive and well in the bodily health meaning of the word. Most of them threatened me with suicide. None of them followed through. And since I have been on this forum, I have yet to meet anyone who's abuser threatened such a thing and actually did it. I'm sure on rare occasion it might happen, but I haven't run across it yet. It's nothing more than a tactic to keep you in his control.
The threat that he will take his kid and run off, that one I would not overlook, only because the wellfare of an innocent child is at stake. Rather than tell him you are leaving, contact your local women's center and develop a safe exit plan that includes taking your son with you. The man can't keep a job, most likely he really won't want the responsibility of a child either. However, err on the side of safety no matter what.
You have every right to leave and have a healthy, happy life. Do not leave his son alone with him. If you leave, he will most likely turn his rage onto his child. All the tears he sheds, its all BS. If he were serious about feeling THAT MUCH guilt, he would have done something about it years ago.
The man is an adult. That makes him responsible for taking care of himself, no matter what he might have gone through as a child. Childhood abuse is not a valid excuse to hurt others and be an a$$.
I would leave regardless if I were you. There is a child involved and that means the stakes are a lot higher.
Don't believe his lies and threats. That's all they are. It would be EXTREMELY difficult to take the kids from you.
My advise would be to start saving up some money in your own bank account, look for a safe place to go (friends, parents, rent a place by yourself, etc.) and start to make plans. Keep a journal of everything he says or does to control, manipulate, or hurt you. That way, you have evidence if he actually tries to follow through with any of that.
But you need to leave. :) And you've come to the right place for support here. Everyone on this website is very supportive, attentive, and knowledgeable!
The others are right - the threats are a manipulation and guilt tactic. Also, even in the unlikely event that he does follow through with the suicide threats, that is not your fault, that's his choice. He is a grown man, he gets to take responsibility for his own actions whether he wants to or not. That means he doesn't get a free pass to abuse you and your son just because he was abused as a child. He doesn't get to hold you responsible for his every failing.
Also, right now, you are modelling a "loving" relationship for your son. Your relationship with your H is what your son knows and what he will grow up seeing as normal. And so it's the type of relationship that he will likely repeat in his own life. You have rightly seen that your H is repeating the type of relationship he saw growing up. Do you want your son to grow up and do the same?
Please, for your sake AND for the sake of your son, make a safe plan to get out with him and break the cycle.