Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
More and more I am realizing that almost all of the feelings and thoughts we share here are part of the grief process.
I don't think many people consider that getting out of - or even staying in - an abusive relationship is a cause for grief.
But it is!!!! It's a huge loss on so many levels. I'm not going into all of those levels right now.
Instead, I read something today that made me think of everyone here. It's from Grieving Mindfully by Smeet M. Kumar, PhD.
"If you have or have had unhealthy or abusive relationships, the pain of grief may make you long for the familiarity of these unhealthy relationships. These (referring to other ways of coping he listed prior to this) are all ways to cope with the grief of loss..." I take that to mean that what we are all going thru, including our reactions and our feelings, is a perfectly normal part of the grieving process.
He went on to say that "Historically psychologists have tended to think about grief within a relatively rigid framework. At one time there was even an expectation that the initial pain of grief should wear off in less than two months."
"...we are now learning that two years may be a more realistic amount of time in which to begin to regain resilience."
Based on what I've read so far in this book and my other studies, research and training, I believe that in order to heal from an abusive relationship we must allow ourselves to grieve. Obviously we have to do other things as well, but w/o fully expressing our grief, it is IMHO really hard to heal.
Grief isn't linear and it isn't pleasant by any means. Grief can't be defined in stages because grief is individual. What works for me may or may not work for you. However, regardless, the one thing we human beings do have in common is grief. It's all in how we choose to process it.
Dr. Kumar also said, "grief ultimately teaches everyone the same lesson: to value the relationships, experiences, and time that you have in this present moment."
And he offers this hope:
"...at the end of your long and unique journey through tremendous emotional pain, you have the capacity to grow, love, and thrive. Like suffering and grief, resilience - which means having the elasticity and buoyancy to recover from the experience of enduring suffering and pain - may also be a part of the natural order (of healing from grief)."
As I was reading these first couple of chapters, I found myself encouraged and hopeful - not just for myself, but for everyone here.
My wish for each of you is that this brings you comfort, reassurance and mostly that it brings you hope for and within yourself.
~Hugs~
I don't think many people consider that getting out of - or even staying in - an abusive relationship is a cause for grief.
But it is!!!! It's a huge loss on so many levels. I'm not going into all of those levels right now.
Instead, I read something today that made me think of everyone here. It's from Grieving Mindfully by Smeet M. Kumar, PhD.
"If you have or have had unhealthy or abusive relationships, the pain of grief may make you long for the familiarity of these unhealthy relationships. These (referring to other ways of coping he listed prior to this) are all ways to cope with the grief of loss..." I take that to mean that what we are all going thru, including our reactions and our feelings, is a perfectly normal part of the grieving process.
He went on to say that "Historically psychologists have tended to think about grief within a relatively rigid framework. At one time there was even an expectation that the initial pain of grief should wear off in less than two months."
"...we are now learning that two years may be a more realistic amount of time in which to begin to regain resilience."
Based on what I've read so far in this book and my other studies, research and training, I believe that in order to heal from an abusive relationship we must allow ourselves to grieve. Obviously we have to do other things as well, but w/o fully expressing our grief, it is IMHO really hard to heal.
Grief isn't linear and it isn't pleasant by any means. Grief can't be defined in stages because grief is individual. What works for me may or may not work for you. However, regardless, the one thing we human beings do have in common is grief. It's all in how we choose to process it.
Dr. Kumar also said, "grief ultimately teaches everyone the same lesson: to value the relationships, experiences, and time that you have in this present moment."
And he offers this hope:
"...at the end of your long and unique journey through tremendous emotional pain, you have the capacity to grow, love, and thrive. Like suffering and grief, resilience - which means having the elasticity and buoyancy to recover from the experience of enduring suffering and pain - may also be a part of the natural order (of healing from grief)."
As I was reading these first couple of chapters, I found myself encouraged and hopeful - not just for myself, but for everyone here.
My wish for each of you is that this brings you comfort, reassurance and mostly that it brings you hope for and within yourself.
~Hugs~
Great stuff!!! xxoo
Have to admit, one of the phrases that has most frustrated me in life outside this place is, "You should be over it by now," or "You should think about moving on with life," a mere few weeks or couple of months after something huge happens.
As a child, I remember hearing that the son of one of our neighbours was missing in action abroad. He had been in a mountainous area, and was presumed dead. I don't know that they ever found his body. He had a long-term girlfriend at the time, whom it sounded like he was intending to marry.
Not long after we heard about it, my N dad said something like, "Well, they haven't heard anything - she needs to start thinking about moving on with her life." I just thought, "Yep, listen to Mr. 'Start Fishing For A Replacement'!" Even as a kid I felt that protective rage and indignation on the girl's behalf. Of course she couldn't 'just move on'; of course she felt suspended in time, not knowing what the hell had happened to the man she loved and might have been spending the rest of her life with!
I know it's not about abuse... but I believe grief is a huge part of leaving an abusive relationship, as well as lots of other life changes too. Anything you feel sad about can be cause for grief.
Thanks so much for this info, MTC xxx
This helps me feel a bit better about being such a mess - 6 months ago my sister passed away and my emotionally abusive boyfriend broke up with me at the same time. Does that mean i get four years to grieve? Just kidding. But it does help me be a bit more sympathetic and patient with myself. Oddly enough, the loss of him was the first thing I primarily grieved for. He was still there, and I still had hope. I also wanted his shoulder to cry on as I grieved for my sister, but it wasn't there. I am still trying to figure out how I let myself become involved with such a person to begin with, and in truth I think that my failure to properly deal with a previous break up that happened years before left me vulnerable and weak.
Thanks for sharing this!
Rockinbunny- I totally relate to that furstration. I think telling anyone, in any situation, they "should" be over something is ignorant and insensitive.
I've had people insinuate or flat out say that I should be over this or that. I think in saying so, you minimize what someone has or is experiencing, & it can really hinder one's progress, as they may internalize how they're feeling more often than not and feel guilty for not "being over it by now". Ignorance is all it is.