Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
It has been 22 days since NC, I hadn't cried till yesterday. I'm not sure if it's because I've been ill and felt vulnerable, but I literally cried all day yesterday. I was like a faucet, the tears would just come out of nowhere.
The relationship was 8 months but it felt like much longer, since we lived in the same apartment complex, we literally saw each other every day. I noticed he drank a lot, but because he was never mean and had funny stories, it really didn't bother me. We'd sip a glass of wine on the balcony under the stars and share stories. I am 34, he is 45.
The first hint of a problem is he would get mad that I would hang out with a 55 year old neighbor, whom I would never date, he was just that lonely guy that talked to everyone in the neighborhood, as his wife died suddenly a year ago. I just felt bad for him. The bf would get pissed that I talked to this guy out while walking my dog, and was convinced the guy had a thing for me.
Then a different neighbor (who is married) invited my bf and I over for a BBQ, by the end of that encounter, my bf was convinced that that guy liked me to.
Another flag came when I won a flower arrangement at work. When he came to my apartment he was convinced some other guy bought them for me, I ended up throwing them in the trash.
Then came the name calling, we are on flight to my family reunion, he mis-heard what I said and called me every name in the book. I was so embarrassed on the plane ride because you know everyone heard.
He would break up with me, stonewall me, then get back with me 3-4 days later. A turning point came when we were in his garage and he saw the neighbor he doesn't like and he ran out and/or pushed or punched the neighbor down on the ground. Since the neighbor and the bf were drunk, and I didn't see the point of contact because the car was in the way, no charges could be filled. I then left my bf to go check on the neighbor to see if his injures required medical attention.
My bf blew up my phone with nasty degrading text messages. I called the cops again, they documented them, but they couldn't do much since there were no threats.
A week later I see him in the parking lot and stopped in my tracks, the blank stare on his face creeped me out. Stupidly shortly after that we got back together with him.
I was always on eggshells. I could never do anything right for him, he was doing some work at my mom's house and because he was too drunk to drive home and shower, I get yelled at for not cleaning it right. I could never do anything right. As soon as I would try to improve something, he added another thing to the list so he could kept complaining. it was always stupid stuff too. Like one time I didn't pick up HIS jacket off the floor of HIS apartment, when he put it there!
It was always about him, what he did for me. Which was what, supply dinners? I did his laundry, cooked, and did dishes every day.
I think the reason I broke down yesterday was because I've been having flashbacks of some of the things he did that I put to the back of my mind. I was sleeping heavily and woke up to him having sex with me. That disturbed me. He said that I had said I wanted it previously. It got to the point where I was writing everything down to expose his gas- lighting, he wasn't happy about that.
But I think the most despicable and disrespectful thing he did to me was this. We were laying in bed and he said I don't give him enough blow jobs, and if I don't start doing them on the daily, he is going to get them from someone else. Well guess what, I wake up in the morning to him rubbing his member on my face just to disrespect me. What normal person would do that?
When my lease was up on the apartment I moved in with him, and was kicked out 3 times. The 3rd time I asked for an escort, because he had gone into a rage in the morning and physically dragged me out of the apartment, leaving bruises on my arms, throwing my cloths on the porch dumping cat liter on them, and freeing my animals.
They gave him a plea deal as of the other week (the court sends me updates since I am the victim). 2 years probation. I did call him twice just to gauge his reaction, but he never answered. I have this feeling he is seething since he can't drink for the next 2 years.
I tried to believe that somewhere there is good in his heart, but writing out all of this just makes me think otherwise. I guess I romanticized the first 2 months and kept hoping we could get back to that.
He destroyed my self confidence, I feel like a shell of my former self. I'm not the person I used to be. I just wish I never met him so I wouldn't feel this way. His ex wife, 25 year old daughter, and his own brother don't talk to him anymore. There has to be a reason for that.
The relationship was 8 months but it felt like much longer, since we lived in the same apartment complex, we literally saw each other every day. I noticed he drank a lot, but because he was never mean and had funny stories, it really didn't bother me. We'd sip a glass of wine on the balcony under the stars and share stories. I am 34, he is 45.
The first hint of a problem is he would get mad that I would hang out with a 55 year old neighbor, whom I would never date, he was just that lonely guy that talked to everyone in the neighborhood, as his wife died suddenly a year ago. I just felt bad for him. The bf would get pissed that I talked to this guy out while walking my dog, and was convinced the guy had a thing for me.
Then a different neighbor (who is married) invited my bf and I over for a BBQ, by the end of that encounter, my bf was convinced that that guy liked me to.
Another flag came when I won a flower arrangement at work. When he came to my apartment he was convinced some other guy bought them for me, I ended up throwing them in the trash.
Then came the name calling, we are on flight to my family reunion, he mis-heard what I said and called me every name in the book. I was so embarrassed on the plane ride because you know everyone heard.
He would break up with me, stonewall me, then get back with me 3-4 days later. A turning point came when we were in his garage and he saw the neighbor he doesn't like and he ran out and/or pushed or punched the neighbor down on the ground. Since the neighbor and the bf were drunk, and I didn't see the point of contact because the car was in the way, no charges could be filled. I then left my bf to go check on the neighbor to see if his injures required medical attention.
My bf blew up my phone with nasty degrading text messages. I called the cops again, they documented them, but they couldn't do much since there were no threats.
A week later I see him in the parking lot and stopped in my tracks, the blank stare on his face creeped me out. Stupidly shortly after that we got back together with him.
I was always on eggshells. I could never do anything right for him, he was doing some work at my mom's house and because he was too drunk to drive home and shower, I get yelled at for not cleaning it right. I could never do anything right. As soon as I would try to improve something, he added another thing to the list so he could kept complaining. it was always stupid stuff too. Like one time I didn't pick up HIS jacket off the floor of HIS apartment, when he put it there!
It was always about him, what he did for me. Which was what, supply dinners? I did his laundry, cooked, and did dishes every day.
I think the reason I broke down yesterday was because I've been having flashbacks of some of the things he did that I put to the back of my mind. I was sleeping heavily and woke up to him having sex with me. That disturbed me. He said that I had said I wanted it previously. It got to the point where I was writing everything down to expose his gas- lighting, he wasn't happy about that.
But I think the most despicable and disrespectful thing he did to me was this. We were laying in bed and he said I don't give him enough blow jobs, and if I don't start doing them on the daily, he is going to get them from someone else. Well guess what, I wake up in the morning to him rubbing his member on my face just to disrespect me. What normal person would do that?
When my lease was up on the apartment I moved in with him, and was kicked out 3 times. The 3rd time I asked for an escort, because he had gone into a rage in the morning and physically dragged me out of the apartment, leaving bruises on my arms, throwing my cloths on the porch dumping cat liter on them, and freeing my animals.
They gave him a plea deal as of the other week (the court sends me updates since I am the victim). 2 years probation. I did call him twice just to gauge his reaction, but he never answered. I have this feeling he is seething since he can't drink for the next 2 years.
I tried to believe that somewhere there is good in his heart, but writing out all of this just makes me think otherwise. I guess I romanticized the first 2 months and kept hoping we could get back to that.
He destroyed my self confidence, I feel like a shell of my former self. I'm not the person I used to be. I just wish I never met him so I wouldn't feel this way. His ex wife, 25 year old daughter, and his own brother don't talk to him anymore. There has to be a reason for that.
There probably is good somewhere in there.
The problem is that he's got anger and control issues that he's never dealt with.
You can't fix him.
If you could, he'd be fixed.
His first wife probably tried to fix him too.
The same with his daughter.
You can feel sorry for him and go back...but that won't help him.
There IS a better future for him...IF he looks for help. But most don't. And there is nothing that you can do that will force him to get help.
The worst thing you can do is go back. I'm not even talking about for you. But the worst thing for HIM is for him to hurt more people. The best predictor of future behavior being past behavior...he'll hurt you again.
Probably worse.
As for yourself, don't beat yourself up too hard. If this is your only bad relationship, you can learn to just be careful and look for red flags.
If you've had more than one bad relationship...look for therapy. It may seem expensive, but it's a whole lot less expensive than more wasted years.
Hugs,
You're STRONG,
You can do this,
Patti
i can feel you from here, the sex part especially, sometimes i would just do whatever he needed to get the hell out of there, stuff i would never, but its done, and im ok, and he's a sick person who needs help, you need help in figuring out why this happened, and to 100% make sure it doesnt happen again, as with his life he is repeating what he saw/and lived thru its his coping mechanism, you should not feel any of this is you by a long shot, my ex was gone for 3 years came back, within 30 days started his shit again, dont fall for it, maybe he has a good heart but he's broken, movvvvveeeee on, he'll lose interest and thats ok, let it all go, you deserve better, get on with it...fight like hell to move on, go to church say a prayer...xxoo
though I'm sorry for
what happened to
you that brought
you here.
(My on-line hours are
mostly in the morning
and early afternoon.
Sorry I didn't find your
post sooner.)
What you've described
is horrible and none of
it was your fault.
The best thing you can
do for yourself now is to
seek out and then participate
in counseling with a therapist
specifically qualified in
recovery from abuse.
(Not all counselors are
"equal." Find one whose
background and concentration
is in recovery from abuse.)
The good news is that
the relationship was as
limited in length as it was.
You may be feeling like a
shell of who you were before
you were with him, but more
good news is that your spirit
and your soul are still inside
you, just like beautiful flowers
wait in hiding underground
during the times when the
weather won't support their
bloom and their beauty.
With unlimited self-care
and support, your
confidence will
bloom again.
Please take very good
care of yourself.
Healing does happen.
Sending you hugs
and wishes for
recovery and
all good things
going forward.