I dated "John" on and off for 2.5 years. When we first started dating it was a whirlwind. We actually work together and that is how we met. He had just gotten out of a year long relationship and even though I knew better, we started hanging out. He was very charming, and although there was a 15 year age gap between us (he being older), we seemed to have a lot in common. I introduced him to my kids (5 and 7 at the time) about 5 months after we began dating and they got along well. Not long after that introduction I found out he had been texting a couple girls behind my back and making plans to meet up with them. I immediately ended things and asked him to leave my house, in which he did. A few weeks later he apologized for his behavior and we talked through things and set standards and tried to rebuild that trust. He was very transparent going forward. Fast forward a few months later and he slowly started becoming very critical of me. It started very slowly but before I knew it everything I did was "wrong". He criticized everything from the way I cooked, to the way I drove, to my weight, my parenting, my sleep pattern - literally everything. I would point it out to him to which he would twist it and turn it back around on me. Every time there was an argument or a disagreement he would tear me down. My confidence dwindled down to nothing. I smiled less, I ate more and began to gain weight, I cried all the time, I was anxious all the time and so nervous about what he would have to say to me that day. I would try so hard to make everything perfect and obviously that's impossible so it was always a failed attempt. I started seeing a counselor but because of my mind set, I never mentioned the emotional abuse (bc I didn't consider it that at that time), I only would talk to her about how I was failing at life and depressed etc. There were several times I ended things with him bc I knew deep down that how I felt had a lot to do with how he treated me (even tho I made excuses for him. I mean, I should be thinner and cook better and work harder etc etc etc). I just knew I didn't want to live everyday hearing how I messed up all the time. But even when we would break up (I was always the one ending things, not him), I always ended up reaching out to him (again, always me reaching out first) because the hole I felt in my life with him gone was unbearable. It was a vicious cycle because nothing would ever change, in fact it always just got worse. Well this past August I ended things for good. I know there is not going back. This is the longest I have gone (in almost 3 years) without talking to him. It's incredible to me that I could miss someone, who tore me down and made me feel so insecure,this much. I feel like it's only getting harder, although there are some good days where I feel like I'll be ok. Because we work together it is impossible to not hear about him. Though I very rarely see him there, so that is good. Every song reminds me of him, I wake up and fall asleep thinking about him, I just feel like I'll never be ok. And this is different than the normal break up. This is so incredibly hard because of the emotional abuse and my lack of confidence now because of it. The feeling of how I'll never be good enough for anyone. How I will never be my bubbly happy self again. I'm nervous all the time that people are silently judging me. I'm scared all the time that I'm going to mess up. And I can't seem to get past this. And yet, here I am wishing he would come back and confess his undying love for me and that we will live our happily ever after. What a joke I know. I'm hoping to move on. I'm hoping to relate to others in a similar situation. I would like to figure out a way to help myself get through this. I need to move on.