HI,

welcome to the site. I think reaching out for support is a good first step. I know when I got out , after the divorce was over, I got depressed. I contacted my local YWCA and found out about a local support group at a nearby college. that helped quite a bit. I also saw a counselor which helped and got on anti depressants which helped alot. Alot of healing takes time, building a new life is hard.

I hope you find alot of support here and make some good friends. again, welcome :) Karen

Hi Divine,

Welcome to the group. ((hugs)) I can't tell you how long it takes to get over the abusive relationship as I am still trying to figure that out myself, but I can tell you a few things.

First, you should be so proud of yourself for getting out of your relationship. It takes a lot of strength and courage to do what you did.

Second, you have to tell yourself it doesn't matter how long it took you to get out. The important thing is that you did. We all have to do things in our own time.

Lastly, give yourself some time. Getting back to being yourself takes a while, you really have to do it in baby steps. Call a friend you haven't spoken to in a while, resume a hobby that you used to enjoy, drink wine out of the good glasses. Just do some little things to treat yourself right.

And keep posting and reaching out here. You will find lots of great support and good friends.

Hi-sooo sorry for your abuse and so sorry you are in a funk at the moment.it shall pass.I was never married,but I suppose the end of a marriage is almost like a death.It takes different people different amounts of time to get over this.I suppose also,like death,you never really get over it.You learn to live with it,accept it,free yourself from guilt and shame,and move on.You actually are in a way,believe it or not right now,lucky to be free of your abuser.it is not better to stay with the familiar and the abuse,than it is to break free,move into a different direction,and set onseself into a new-sometimes scary and lonly at the moment -life.Do as the girls who have been there say.check different support groups,the Y,councelling and the such.You'll survive.They all have.You've got living proof on this site.If you have stayed,you might not have survived.I don't know what the exes level of abuse was,but I know many a woman who have been beaten,choked,kicked....you get the picture.And yes ,also time.Time can be your best friend or worst enemy.It is up to you how you use it and fill it.You hold alot in your own hands.You canget over this....but do give yourself some kindness and self help.You set your own pace of grieving.Not others.Some days will be sad,remembering the good memories.Some will be filled with anger wondering why.Get out and get some of that frsh air and sunshine,eat healthy,get enough rest,and let your self feel bad sometimes-not all the time though.Don't let this consume you.You have worth,alot to bring to the world and life.Open the doors of happiness.it is ok to laugh and feel joy also.You deserve to.Find some sort of meditation,prayer whatever it is that will help you heal your lovely mind,body and soul.Stay here.The people are all willing to help you heal and move on with a kindness to life. :0)

It is so unfair that this nincumpoop can mess up your efforts to ditch him. I still haven't even tried to ditch mine, so Kudos to you, Divinespirit!
Are you in the new town now, or did you have to go back to where he lives?
And by the way, Who Cares even if you were abusive? He probably asked for it. I'm thinking that's some more mental gymnastics he's pulling on you just to thwart your efforts to leave him and keep you tied to him. After all, it takes so much effort for a creep to put on a show and fool a new woman. Its so much easier to keep the old one so he can use her.
Excellent advice to find a support group at the YWCA or wherever. Also a good church where you can have a feeling of belonging and get closer to God, if you don't have one already.
I'm glad you're here. L.

Dear divine,
Yes, I know well the giddy feeling when you finally get out! Then reality sets in and it gets where you have to dig your heels in and really start climbing out. It is tough. Go easy on yourself. Please check out the group Narcissist Victims Syndrome Survivors! You're a survivor and you and I and a slew of others are in the healing process. It is one step at a time and we want the trip to be fast and us be back to normal but we have to give ourselves time. The funk lets up little by little. Keep working on that inner child who needs soothed, healed, to feel safe and to feel loved. Mourning lasts for a night . . but joy comes in the morning!

As far as comparing it to a death . . it really isn't the same because that abuser is still alive and out there and there isn't closure.

Hi and welcome ----

First of all ----- whatever he told you. . . . . . .

abusers LIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Virtually every survivor here had her or his abuser tell them
that they (the victim) was the abuser and that the abuser
was the victim. (Can I get a witness???????)

Good for you for getting out. Good for you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know things are hard right now, but life will get better.

And it may seem forever, but it's not.

A bad day that's free of abuse is better than
a "good" day being abused.

You were NOT the abuser.

Hang on. Life gets better!!!!!!!!

Mine was twice the size I am and used to beat me and worse. He STILL told me I was the abusive one. Go figure. He was cheating on me, told me it was over and was still the victim when I cut him off my bank account and credit card. Again, go figure.

How long does it take? Well, how long is a piece of string? I'm out 18 months now, and I feel SO much better. Is it over though, am I completely healed? Nope, not yet. One step at a time, and go easy on yourself. It often takes a lifetime to get into this state, so it's gonna take some time to get out.

Hi Divinespirit

I'm sorry you're feeling so stuck, but glad you found this site.

I left my ex-SO 18 months ago and am only now in a position where I feel well enough to really look for work and move on. It's taken a long, long time but, I realise now, this time has been necessary for the healing process.

Take care of yourself and don't beat yourself up.

I thank you for your responses....helps me sooo much....to answer a few questions I am in new city still ....I will not go back ever...I do have to deal with him with my babies so then the confusion begins...others say if I was sooo scared to leave then why would I deal with him...they don't get it or seem to want to understand that I law decides...so much ignorance and victim blaming that is hard not to fall into sometimes...As with anything my head knows it will take time but I want to be okay NOW....I walked through fire to get here and just want his words out of my head...and now that he is in a "healthy happy relationship" with a "real woman" [gag] I just want to go forward....Thanks for the advice I will look for a support group...and get out of my own head for awhile...thank you thank you AND I know I can learn here

Interesting that he's already with another women. He's probably absolutely convinced her that HE's the victim and she's probably falling for every single cent of it... what an idiot. Now he doesn't have to be alone and deal with his emotional stuff, he's got someone to go along to support and validate his position. She has no clue what she's in for... but, who cares. I'd be happy he's off your back for now.

GAG! lol! That's so true.

Hello Divine and WELCOME-

I highly doubt you were abusive,that statement is made to justify his poor choices and bad behavior.
My ex used to say the reason he was hurting me was because of how I "acted". I almost got to believing that crap, but realized thats what it was "crap".
Yea I get mad at myself for not leaving sooner. The healing process takes a while, but with good support-(therapy, activities , friends), you can "cushion" the pain, which makes it easier to get through each day.

Take time for yourself, be good to yourself. Try something you have always wanted to try.
I am sorry about the job and bill situation but it will get better with time.....at least the job part will (LOL).
We are here for you.
There are some GREAT people on here who have some MARVILOUS advice.
Blessing

THANK YOU, it is hard to get out of this mode. Sometimes I wonder if It WAS me still and the creeping irrational fear that he has found someone that is good enough and then he will stop and then he is justified in saying it was me
...the things that they do to your head!! I know it will blow up but after mind play for soooo long and giving my soul over to BS it is like I have to reprogram....
gosh sometimes I am 2nd guessing leaving...whether I should have stayed and tried...
then I play that all the way out in my head...and know it was just harder to leave in reality than to stay.....crazy as that is at the end of the day...I knew that he would move on quickly...AND make my life hell with his words and manipulation of those around him..
it really in someways would have been easier to stay....dangerous but easier

I can't wait to be me again and fell empowered smart strong healthy and lovable and mostly not waste any more time on this man who took my soul and twisted into this person who doubts herself now! My family hates that I left and mostly wont talk to me He manipulated my oldest daughter and son in law and tried to convince them I was abusive...son in law fell for it lock stock and barrel!!!

It is the secrecy that makes this happen...so please if anyone is still in their situation for whatever reason try to tell someone what is really going on...be safe about it choose wisely...but I hid soooo much that now he can twist things to the point where his abuse is doubted...keeps him from any kind of responsibility that's for sure....

Stay strong, trust your instincts, never give up hope and reach out to friends you know you can trust.

I wish you peace