Hi Mari, Your experience sounds just like mine. For the longest time I couldn't put my finger on exactly why I felt so bad in my relationship and about myself. I also read Patricia Evans among others and had that "aha" moment".

Shortly after realizing how emotionally abusive and manipulative my husband was, I sought out counseling at my DV shelter and they recommended I attend the group. I went and am so glad I did. In my case the group was small, usually 4 to 6 people in attendance. I found those women to be the most compassionate and easy to talk to people I've ever known in my life. We all had slightly different situations, some had left, some were still with the abuser, some were physically abused, all were emotionally abused, and we all accepted and supported each other.

The common denominator among all of us was emotional abuse and manipulation. Therefore, I felt that I fit in, even though my husband never punched, hit, kicked or otherwise physically harmed me. The threat was always there. And interestingly, the women who had been physically abused spoke of the emotional wounds as more long lasting and damaging than the physical violence they suffered.

I wish you the same experience I had, and I feel that after one time your nerves will be calmed! It is wonderfully validating to be amongst others that have suffered in the same way, to fully realize you are not alone. Also, you do not have to share anything you don't want to. Realize that you are in control of what you choose to share or contribute to the group. There were people at the one I went to that shared very little, and that was okay too.

What you're feeling is normal. Try not to compare your situation to others. What I've learned is that there's always someone worse off & someone better off than I am. Abuse is abuse. Whether its physical, sexual, emotional, etc., it doesn't matter. It all leaves deep wounds and invisible scars.

Doubting yourself is just one 'side effect' of abuse. The eroding of confidence, self-worth, sense of self, ability to think straight (i.e. feeling confused, forgetful, etc.) are also 'side effects' of abuse. And yes, I can relate. Patricia Evans book is what opened my eyes too. At the time I left, I said the same things you're saying. As I've had time to start healing and looking back, I realize he was very subtle in all aspects of his abuse. He was actually very nice (or so everyone, including me, was led to believe. BUT, there was a huge price to pay for his niceness. It kept me confused, off balance, doubting myself, trying to fix myself and it never working, just to name a few.

His breaking things and punching holes in the wall is a form of physical violence. But, even if he didn't do anything physical, you can still benefit from the support group.

I also hope you will get into therapy with a qualified trauma release therapist who is specially trained in the dynamics and effects of abuse. Sadly, many are not.

If, in the end, the group isn't helpful (some are & some aren't), then, you will be ahead of the game by finding a good therapist.

Please do NOT let your thinking that you didn't have it as bad as some others stop you from getting whatever you need to heal. You deserve to heal just as much as anyone else.

~healing hugs~

Thank you both so much. I feel much better reading your replies. I'm still anxious but I'm definitely going to make myself attend tomorrow.

MyTrueColors, do you have any advice for seeking out a counselor who is trained in trauma release? I haven't heard that specific term before and not sure what kind of questions to ask to be sure I'm seeking the right kind of help.

This is a post I did a while back on questions to ask a therapist.

http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Physical_Emotional_Abuse/forum/20977607-questions-ask-potential

Please also read Ilene's comments in reply #6.

I was in a DV group last year after emotional and verbal abuse. He would always minimize his behavior when I called him out on it. That is part of the abuse, they don't care how you feel, they blame you. Go to the support group. I was in the same circumstance as all of these posts. The DV group empowered me, helped me see I'm not alone. We named our feelings for that day and that helps you heal. I hope it is healing for you. Let us know :)

((Hugs))

Thanks again everyone for the encouragement and advice. I went to the support group and it was OK. I thought it was going to be a little more structured (with some lessons and themes) based on what they told me but it was actually just open discussion. Also there were similarities to my situation and the other women but most of them were there because of court order due to very extreme abuse situations. I got the feeling some or most of them didn't want to be there.
I am going to try it out another time but I think i'll be better off once I find a good counselor for individual therapy. I'll keep going to the support group until I find a good counselor.

Its good you went. The first time I went I didn't like it much. A lot of venting and complaining about abusers. But I went back and found the facilitators did have a structure, a topic such as the impact on children, stress or assertiveness. I hope they do have topics for your group to keep you focused. If anything know you're not alone until you find a counselor you like.

Thanks, JuliPf. I'll definitely give it one or two more chances and won't drop out until at least I'm with a good therapist. At a minimum I need the accountability that it provides - my husband has been moved out a few weeks and I miss him terribly and think of him obsessively. I also have to see him every night when he calls our daughter on a video call and we meet at a public park on weekends to see her.
I need every ounce of strength and support I can get just to stay away from him and not let him lure me back into his web of lies.