Have not been on here in awhile as I have been basically just working and getting by. Have not been doing my therapy either but had kept up the NC until I finally broke after a message on my phone from him August 5th saying he still missed me. I managed to ignore it until August 13, and in a moment of weakness ( I had a hard day and honestly drunk texted) Told him I hoped he was happy, he was ok, to be safe out there.
He is an addict, he drives his car at crazy speeds, also feel he deals in some criminal activity and well, I do worry about his well being.
Anyway, he called and I answered. He wanted to come down that evening of course. I said no, then he wanted to come down the next day. He did not get ignorant with me or anything, just could not figure out why I had not talked to him in so long, he said over 2 years. It was actually more like 7 months almost 8 now. I agreed to see him with a stipulation we are just friends.
A lot of you may feel that breaking contact was a bad thing to do and normally I would agree, but in this case, it has been harder on me worrying that he is ok physically because of his addictions and his lifestyle.
In seeing him, I realized a lot of things and hopefully after today, I will finally break free all together of my co dependant relationship with him.
I realize it is not love, or anything close to it, it is more a type of compassion, regret in seeing him be so self destructive and a letting go of even the friendship aspect.
In him taking me to meet yet some more of his "friends" who were basically "addicts" watching them get stoned, hearing one of them say they have been in and out of prison, hearing his stories of wrecking his car into a bridge, then another story of how he was in a bad neighborhood with someone he knew for only 3 months doing something he should not have been doing and the "friend" stole his gun and clips, he called the police to report and he was questioned..etc, etc, etc. How he is going away again as he needs a break from all the drama and he is going into a new business, a new gamble..
Anyway, I have realized this person is never going to change, he is wired how he is and he will most likely end up either bottoming out or sadly in jail or dead.
:(
I just feel numb. I have to shut off everything for him, even my concern and compassion as he does not want help or to better himself. And I have found I now care enough after being away so long to look after myself and not let him or anyone drag me down.
I work, I save my money, I rarely drink and try to control my depression as best I can, I am eating healthier, I have weeded most toxic people out of my life, and I do not do drugs. I just do not have it in me anymore to do this "dance" with him.
I did let him stay when he visited, but there was no sex, not even a kiss. 2 reasons: He has dropped a significant amount of weight and I worry about possible intravenous drug use or stds...and well honestly I didn't feel anything for him but pity.
Also, I would not have taken the chance on my emotions regardless.
He kept in touch with me for 3 days constant after seeing me, then disappeared as he does, now he calls this morning and after going without his WALLET and SHOES that he left at my place, he finally is going to come get them. He has went WITHOUT his liscence, passport, and all ID for a week.
Who does that? And who leaves a place barefoot? Someone who is not in their right mind. I am sad for him, but I cannot help him.
So I texted to in reply that his stuff was there, come get it while I was at work. Have not heard back but hoping he does and then I am on the path to healing and moving on.

Wish me luck and any positive thoughts or prayers I can sure use them right now, I am a bit upset and nervous.