Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
It's been a while since I posted. I only posted a little bit so I don't know if anyone remembers me...
Anyway, my husband (who is verbally abusive towards me) and I have been going through the ups and downs. I was going to leave him, he threatened to leave me, etc...Then we end up still together.
Today we got into it, and he listed everything that he hated about me, and said that he would be surprised if anyone ever dates me if I leave him because I'm so repulsive.
Our lease is up in 2 weeks and we're moving in with my family. I really just want to move in by myself.
My friend told me today to list all the positives and negatives about him. The negatives always outweigh the positives. Always. I'm always back to this conclusion.
Still, there's a little doubt in my mind that, maybe, it IS me. And I am the one with the problem, not him. That I should dress up more, get my hair done, lose more weight, speak nicely and sexy, because that's what women do, according to him. Maybe if I changed, he would act better.
Then again, it's been going on for years and nothing has changed.
I feel like if I leave him, my whole world would be shattered and I would have to start over again. Starting over is so scary, especially since I moved to a town that I ran from so long ago. My dad's dead and my mom's moved away. I feel stuck yet rootless. I have nowhere to go and the state where I used to live is so unfamiliar to me.
I'm losing my job too, so my dream of saving up and starting my own business is shattered too. Everything is just...shattered.
In two weeks, I can change my mind again and go on this rollercoaster again...or I can just bite the bullet and end it. It just hurts. Why do I have to do all the work?
Those that left (especially with children), can you help me with some kind words? I feel so lost.
Sue.
Anyway, my husband (who is verbally abusive towards me) and I have been going through the ups and downs. I was going to leave him, he threatened to leave me, etc...Then we end up still together.
Today we got into it, and he listed everything that he hated about me, and said that he would be surprised if anyone ever dates me if I leave him because I'm so repulsive.
Our lease is up in 2 weeks and we're moving in with my family. I really just want to move in by myself.
My friend told me today to list all the positives and negatives about him. The negatives always outweigh the positives. Always. I'm always back to this conclusion.
Still, there's a little doubt in my mind that, maybe, it IS me. And I am the one with the problem, not him. That I should dress up more, get my hair done, lose more weight, speak nicely and sexy, because that's what women do, according to him. Maybe if I changed, he would act better.
Then again, it's been going on for years and nothing has changed.
I feel like if I leave him, my whole world would be shattered and I would have to start over again. Starting over is so scary, especially since I moved to a town that I ran from so long ago. My dad's dead and my mom's moved away. I feel stuck yet rootless. I have nowhere to go and the state where I used to live is so unfamiliar to me.
I'm losing my job too, so my dream of saving up and starting my own business is shattered too. Everything is just...shattered.
In two weeks, I can change my mind again and go on this rollercoaster again...or I can just bite the bullet and end it. It just hurts. Why do I have to do all the work?
Those that left (especially with children), can you help me with some kind words? I feel so lost.
Sue.
It is hard to leave an abuser. To me, it felt like jumping out of a plane without a parachute. Three years out, I realize it was the right leap to make. My family and friends have sustained me and my son, DS also, has been invaluable.
And take it from me...you could be a sexy, 100-pound super model and your abusive husband would still find fault with you.
Think about this hon...where do you want to go? What do you want to do? It is possible to start over, to live a new life free from abuse. I left 3 years ago with my then 9-year old son. I gave up financial security, an old beautiful house, my health insurance, my status in the community as a Professor's wife. What have I gained? Freedom for me and my son.
It has not been easy to negotiate with my angry and abusive ex-husband. I have spent thousands of dollars on lawyers to negotiate with him. BUT, truly my freedom is absolutely priceless.
I was the cause of all of his misery. He was an unhappy and depressed person who had a horrible childhood. He used his own abuse as an excuse to abuse as well.
Life is short, hon. You can spend it in misery or you can choose a happier path. Get off your rollercoaster, and think about YOU and your kids. You deserve to be loved kindly and consistently. and know that you are not alone...you are always welcome here to vent and to seek support. Hugs to you, I have so been where you are.
If your lease is up, then you have a chance to make a break. It would be much harder to kick him out if he then moves in with you, and you're already going to be packing, so taking your things would be easier.
As far as looks, it doesn't matter what you do, what you look like, how nice you are, how much you pamper him, eventually he will blow up and a fight ensues.
In my support group, there are beautiful women, and more plain women. Thin and heavier. Young women and old women. Women with long hair, women with short hair.
Abusers blame their mistreatment on you because in their mind they can never be wrong. But this has the effect, then, of making you doubt yourself.
Can you start attending a support group in your area? That may help give you strength and support during this difficult time. They might also be able to point you to free job training in your area.
I'm thinking about just doing a nationwide job search, or move back to FL where I used to live before I got tangled up with my husband. I've just been depressed since I found out I was getting laid off, and didn't really know what to do except nothing. I hate living in this city, and always have, I only moved back to be with him and take care of my mom. But since she rejected me and moved with my brother in another state (another story), I have nothing left here.
I would join a support group, but I'm afraid of flaking out. I was getting DV counseling, but flaked out after he kept having one crisis after another, stopping me from having any me time when I would want to sneak to go to counseling.
TBH, I'm scared about getting another job because my attendance is so bad and I don't feel motivated for work. It could be him, or the mass layoff, or a combination of both. I just see nothing in my future and I feel hopeless.
Best of luck and keep posting...
Just remember about the abusers. They always tell us the opposite.
Today we got into it, and he listed everything that he hated about me, and said that he would be surprised if anyone ever dates me if I leave him because I'm so repulsive. THIS IS WHAT HE THINKS ABOUT HIMSELF, NOT YOU.
Girl you could be Rhianna and that still would not matter ABUSERS ABUSE. Look at Christi Brinkley, the most beautiful girl in the world and that thing she married.
1st of all, stop beating yourself up. 2nd of all, stop blaming yourself, 3rd get to a place where you can start making plans. Heck any plans, just plan. Use your energy there.
PLEASE believe me....Starting out on your own...Will NEVER be harder...than living with someone who makes you feel unloved and repulsive....
If you starved yourself into oblivian....he will STILL make you feel worthless...
Being on our own...Will NEVER feel as LONELY...as being with an abuser feels....
Someone who loves you...does NOT make you feel that you are all wrong..and need to change to get their love...they love you regardless...
HOW DARE he tell you that no-one would ever want you...and how dare he make you feel that you have to be someone else altogther..to be in any way loveable???
This is NOT love..This is control and abuse..and as you have already discovered..No matter how many chances you have given him..hes STILL abusive..and is still making you miserable..
PLEASE rtake the out coming your way....Don't be swayed by dreams of him changing anymore..hes NOT going to...
It hurts terribly...Abuse hurts terribly..and leaving is scary....But a new life..is NEVER worse than what you are describing here...
Of course you feel futureless and hopeless..thats how an abuser makes us feel....get away...and reach out for abuse help..and your strength will return...and you will have the hope of an abuse free future...
I won't lie..its hard initially...But my biggest regret...is that I didn't get out sooner....
Also...I am so over him now...I don't give him hardly a thought anymore...Except i am still having to build myself back together...after the abusive job he did on me...
Take the leap...You will NEVER regret it...
Big hugs..For your strength to vote for yourself..and a new abuse free life...