Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Without going way back and re-explaining my life I am just going to mention the most recent events. I do have a couple journal entries that explain the past 14 years in a nutshell. I am really struggling right now and this site has been fantastic. So....
After years and years of emotional and psychological abuse I finally decided I have had enough. I have been working with a counselor who has helped me see the enabling that has become normal to me as well as the fact that I have detached myself from him. However, now he seems to have changed but not really I don't think. I find I can not fight with him anymore so the tactics he uses are changing. I asked him last night if there was something troubling him as his body language made me feel that way. He freaked out at me and asked how i can come to that kind of conclusion after only 5 minutes of being home(it was actually 2 and a half hours I had been home). I said it was by his body language, the look on his face, not being acknowledged when I got home etc. Needless to say he just kept saying I was assuming things based on nothing. So i went to bed while he got up and played video games until 3 or 4am then he come to bed and cuddled right up to me. Another thing is I just started back at my old job on a pt basis and have another job that is full time right now then will be casual in september. He is upset I am working it and working every weekend, which he knew about prior to my going back and was ok with. He loathes his job and is miserable and completely negative about almost everything but when I have tried to help him find something else he has every reason why he cant. But theres no "fighting" now. Basically because I juat ignore him and tell him I am not fighting.
So i am sorry this is so long but I know after 14 years this is just part of the cycle and at some point things will boil over because nothing has truly changed so why can I not just leave? That is after all what I am working towards and have most everything in place. Our problems are still unresolved because everything is my fault.
here that you have almost
everything in place.
It takes both work and time
to escape from abuse and
sounds like you're seeing
to the work, so that's
excellent.
From what you've written,
sounds like you're in a
"normal" part of the "cycle."
He's doing all the things
he normally does (and
they're all dysfunctional).
Keep getting your escape
plans in order. (Have you
composed a SAFETY PLAN?
If not, doing this is critical.)
You will know the day
and the moment
Sending hugs and
wishes for safety,
clarity and better
days ahead.
I have plans in place but they're based on what I thought would be the end. However, this has proven to not be the case. I know now that I am going to have to take the hardest road and that means just sitting down and telling him it is over. Sounds easy....except that we have kids and I know his calmness is only going to last long enough until he sees that I am serious. Then I have no idea.
My dad keeps telling me the same thing, that I will know when it is time and that I will but I feel aa though I am falling back into the same routine as usual. I continue to be miserable but won't leave, partly because he knows exactly what to say to draw me back.
I guess my only question left right now is, even though he is doing the same things as usual why can I not go? Instead I can not even find the anger, the desire or the will to fight with him no matter what it is he is telling me. I am so frustrated and disappointed in myself
There are small steps you can
take, to help yourself, even
without taking the really
big ones.
Have you been to the
nearest women's center
and spoken to the people
who are there to help
someone in exactly
your circumstances?
If not, please consider
doing that. And when
you do, have them help
you develop a
SAFETY PLAN.
Also, consider doing
Ilene's Clarifying
Index Card exercise.
I'll bump it for you.
(Just keep what you
write totally private!)
For the record, when
the time comes, it might
be a better idea to leave
first and tell him it's over
from a safe DISTANCE.
There are biological
factors in why it's so
hard to leave, even
when a partner is
abusive. It's not
simply a weakness
or character flaw.
But it is important
to at least be clear
in your mind, so that
there's a chance, at
some point, that you
will be able to do
what needs to be
done.
Sending you hugs
and wishes for
safety, clarity,
strength and
healing.