Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Hi Everyone, Hope you are all well. I don't even know where to begin and don't want this to be a novel so I will paraphrase as much as possible.
All has been quiet, I stopped talking to my ex about anything but the kids and it was all going well.
I am thinking about introducing my bf to my kids at the end of the year and my ex and I agreed that if we planned on introducing the kids to anyone we would let the other know so it wasn't a surprise. I figured I would ease into it by telling my ex I am dating someone only if he asked and if he didn't then next month I would tell him.
Long story short, he asked & I said yes. Apparently that sent him into a complete tail spin. He has been hounding me daily, of course with a premise to talk about the kids, but it always turns into him. Since I told him he has had another epiphany on how he can't live without me, blah blah blah.
I feel so guilty for him hurting and being sad but as I told him "I felt exactly like you do now, but imagine feeling this way with your spouse laying in bed next to you & not caring at all".
So much was said that I have wanted to say to him like, "how are you changing if you stopped therapy?", his answer "my therapist wasn't any good" (those who remember, he told me his therapist was better then mine). I told him that if he had someone that he wouldn't give a care about me like before he and his gf broke up and so much more was said and although I am glad I was able to say my peace (in a very tactful way, unlike him), even telling him that I was not the right person to talk to and that he might want to talk to a professional if he is really feeling down. Yet I still feel so bad and guilty.
I would rather be single then ever get back together with him and can't even imagine being with him, but I feel like I hurt him so bad and he can't be happy because of me. =(
I can see the writing on the wall, I can see the manipulation by trying to talk about how sad the kids are, him, etc. how all he wants is to show the kids that there are families out there that make it through anything, etc. Even with all of this I see I feel horrible. I thought I would feel better. =(
All has been quiet, I stopped talking to my ex about anything but the kids and it was all going well.
I am thinking about introducing my bf to my kids at the end of the year and my ex and I agreed that if we planned on introducing the kids to anyone we would let the other know so it wasn't a surprise. I figured I would ease into it by telling my ex I am dating someone only if he asked and if he didn't then next month I would tell him.
Long story short, he asked & I said yes. Apparently that sent him into a complete tail spin. He has been hounding me daily, of course with a premise to talk about the kids, but it always turns into him. Since I told him he has had another epiphany on how he can't live without me, blah blah blah.
I feel so guilty for him hurting and being sad but as I told him "I felt exactly like you do now, but imagine feeling this way with your spouse laying in bed next to you & not caring at all".
So much was said that I have wanted to say to him like, "how are you changing if you stopped therapy?", his answer "my therapist wasn't any good" (those who remember, he told me his therapist was better then mine). I told him that if he had someone that he wouldn't give a care about me like before he and his gf broke up and so much more was said and although I am glad I was able to say my peace (in a very tactful way, unlike him), even telling him that I was not the right person to talk to and that he might want to talk to a professional if he is really feeling down. Yet I still feel so bad and guilty.
I would rather be single then ever get back together with him and can't even imagine being with him, but I feel like I hurt him so bad and he can't be happy because of me. =(
I can see the writing on the wall, I can see the manipulation by trying to talk about how sad the kids are, him, etc. how all he wants is to show the kids that there are families out there that make it through anything, etc. Even with all of this I see I feel horrible. I thought I would feel better. =(
like a top, again.
There is a way to co-parent
without actual voice-to-voice
contact, where the only topic
of discussion is co-parenting
and the only forms of communication
are texts or emails.
I urge you to go to that method
of contact. Obviously, you can't
go No Contact. But go to communicating
where the ONLY TOPIC IS AROUND PARENTING
ONLY METHOD
of communication
IS ONE THAT ENABLES
YOU TO HAVE A
WRITTEN RECORD
of what was said.
But remember. You have done NOTHING wrong. You didn't hurt him, he hurt you. He's just pissed that you're not still pining for him, that you're not on the backburner for him to return to any time he chooses. He's just pissed that he's lost control way worse than he realised while he was busy with his other woman figuring he was destroying you further by flaunting her.
Stick to what you were doing - talk only about the kids. I know it's hard, I know you don't want to feel cold and heartless. But you have to know that you are NOT cold and heartless. He's just a clever manipulator.
More than likely, part of why you feel guilty is because being in contact w/him has put you back into that place of enmeshment where you feel responsible for how he feels.
We are ONLY each responsible for our own feelings. You are NOT responsible for how he feels.
Abusers play on our guilt and they play on our feelings. His feelings are his and the less communication/contact you have w/him the less guilty you will fee.
Remember, he CHOSE to abuse and he CHOSE to stop therapy. You don't owe him anything, especially showing your kids that there are families out there that make it thru anything!
Please consider going to therapy w/someone who specializes in recovery from abuse to help you with this. It can make a huge difference in how you feel & interact w/the ex.
I can understand your sense of guilt, but please keep in mind that an abuser causes their own problems.
From "Why Does He Do That?"
"The abusers problem is not that he responds inappropriately to conflict. His abusiveness is operating prior to the conflict: it usually creates the conflict, and it determines the shape the conflict takes. Therapists often try to work with an abuser by analyzing his responses to disagreements and trying to get him to handle conflict differently. But such an approach misses the point: His abusiveness was what caused the tension to begin with."
He can't be happy because of HIMSELF, not you!
I am really trying to have communication only via text and email but it is really hard because I don't want to be mean. =( No because I don't want him or others to think bad of me, but because that is just not who I am.
Any tips on being confident and diligent with this?
And what if you included in that definition your refraining from any contact except for only things to do with the kids?
Think of it this way....does he worry about the definition of mean when he's treating you like s**t and disregards & disrespects you?
If he has the right to 'redefine' mean, so do you. And you are doing it in a much more loving and healthy way.
~Hugs~