I have been with my boyfriend for 7 years now. We have an 18 month old daughter who is the light of our life. Over the last 7 years we have gone through the normal ups-and- downs but lately I just feel so worthless and not able to be the person he desires. We have tried couples counseling when our daughter was first born, but he felt it was not helping and that we were only using the appointments as a venting session. I think that our counselor was fair. She would listen to how we feel and try to give an alternate perspective as we couldn’t see eye to eye. I felt stronger and more confident in the appointments because he was forced to really listen to my feelings and was couldn’t automatically respond with why it was my fault. I know that I can be combative when backed in a corner but when I try to talk to him about how I feel he claims he cannot change unless I do...... I feel like I am babbling.

* Marriage… we have dated for 7 years now. For some time I have been ready for marriage. Although right now I’m not sure. I have tried to bring up the topic on occasion and I always get the same 2 responses        “ Bringing it up makes me want it less” and “We are not getting along good enough”. SIGH… I stopped bringing it up and now just keep the heartbroken feeling locked up inside. About 5 months ago things were going really great. We went to a few weddings, love was in the air, and he and I were doing great. I thought about it for a while, mustered up the courage and asked him to marry me…. HE SAID NO. I did not immediately react; instead I tried to pretend that I even asked. I don’t get it... We have this life together as though we are married but he refuses to marry me. The first few years of dating we talked about marriage and family and he was all on bored. What changed?

* I work in a business casual environment. On occasion I will put in more effort than just throwing my hair up and grabbing a pair of black pants and polo. If I put on a dress and wear my hair down he asks if I have a date and says that I only dress up when I have plans. He doesn’t compliment me, only makes me feel as if I am doing something wrong for putting in the effort. My first reaction to his poking is frustration. If he notices then I assume he likes the way I look, but why doesn’t he just say so instead of making me feel like changing; which sometimes I do. On occasion he will comment on what I am wearing in a way that makes me feel self-conscious enough that I change. 

* He can never be wrong. He constantly corrects his Mother, Father, Siblings, and myself; even if it is not factual, such as how to take care of a child. There is no one way. I have a relaxed approach at parenthood. I try to set boundaries. Allowing my daughter to explore and play free will within them. I understand that she will make tons of messes and I’m ok with that. He is more strict… bed at 7 no staying out late, even on occasion. I will confess in the first year of her life I tried to stay on a consistent sleeping, eating schedule. In the last 6 months I have relaxed a bit, trying to spend more quality time with her. Such as staying up later to go to a ball game with my parents, who mind you live 6 hours away. He claims that he is so strict because that is what I wanted. I agree at one point that is what I thought was best, but I have sheared with him that it does not bother me anymore for her to stay up a little longer. We both work full time and don’t get home until 5 pm. I make dinner and we are usually done eating by 6. If she goes to bed by 7 then I only have 1 hour to spend bathing her and getting her ready for bed. There is no family time, no fun time, no bonding time. I would never put her well-being at risk.

* One of my biggest battles has to do with laundry. I am not joking, freaking laundry. See, I am not allowed to do laundry and his reason, to me, is selfish. He bought the washer and dryer so he tells me that I am not allowed to use it. I cannot wash my clothes!! I have tried a few times to be nice when he is feeling overwhelmed and he freaks out. For example, last night, my daughter had stepped in something and her shoes needed cleaned. I cleaned the shoes by hand, even sanitized them in case the mystery mess was dog poop. To dry them, I read the dryer instructions and it suggested using the shelf that can be placed in the dryer for items that cannot tumble. So, I did this. I was not trying to spite him or push his buttons; I was trying to clean my daughter’s shoes. When he got home from the gym he heard the dryer and immediately asked if I was doing laundry. I explained that I cleaned the baby’s shoes and that I read the instructions and was using the drying rack. He then went off the hook, telling me that the dog poop smell will get trapped in the dryer and will contaminate our clothes when he goes to use it again. I challenged his logic, and that did not go well for me. He claims that I was talking down to him. How is saying “How would the smell get trapped in” talking down to him? Every time I try to talk to him, no matter the context, he says I’m talking down to him.

* Talking him down… He will ask me what’s the matter and when I talk about how I feel he says I’m talking down him down. To me talking down to someone down is defined by directly negating something they have done or said. Such as saying something is not good enough. When I explain how I fell I talk about how I am frustrated because we don’t seem to see eye to eye, or how he always says I talk down to him. This has become a trigger phrase to me. I know he is going to say it eventually, and when he does I shut down. He will keep coming at me and I simply tell him that the conversation is going nowhere or that I have nothing else to say.

The truth of the matter is that we have a lot of good days, but there are some days I just feel like quitting. I have tried taking Zoloft per his request only to get mocked when he would ask me if I took my vitamin when we had any disagreement. I did feel more level, but only to an extent. Only with myself, it didn’t change my frustration; it didn’t absolve the issues that we have. Every day I try to be positive. At work I am funny and outgoing. I try this at home and only get a strange response of “What are you talking about” I grew up with my parents divorced and I swore to myself that I would do everything possible to keep my family together. I just don’t know what to do anymore.