Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Hi all,
I know I need to break up with my boyfriend. He gets so frighteningly, disproportionately angry over little things very frequently. Has this really unhealthy belief that he's constantly being persecuted, constantly being bullied, constantly losing in life and so he is always angry. He's stuck in a sick feedback loop where he's getting off on his own rage. I don't want or need to be in a relationship with someone so full of entitlement, rage, and negativity.
I've never had to end things with such an angry, unstable person with impulse control problems, and I fear he will retaliate. He has expressed revenge fantasies to me several times, about how he will hurt this person and that person physically and financially for "what they did to him" and because they "don't deserve respect." I'm sure you can recognize the narcissism in him. He says he would "never" unleash the same kind of rage on me, but I don't buy that for a fucking second.
I have searched online but apparently haven't found the right keywords to yield the proper resources - how can I properly prepare myself for the rage I'm pretty sure is coming for me when I break up with this unhealthy person?
Here are some things I've thought of:
- Break up with him in a public place with lots of witnesses
- Tell him the breakup is because I'm "too busy with work," not because of anything having to do with him individually
- Tell all my local friends that I'm scared of this guy
- Install security cameras
- Give my friends a code word that means "help/call the police"
- Talk to my bank about putting temporary extra monitoring on my accounts/identification (because this guy works in the industry and has expressed fantasies of fraudulently taking out high interest loans in order to bankrupt people he doesn't like)
- Blocking him from all social media so he can't figure out my whereabouts or get new information about what I'm up to
- Possibly going to live in another city for a month if I need to (although I worry about my roommate being here)
- Saving/documenting all of his communications
- Don't take out a restraining order unless/until I need one, because pre-emptively doing so would enrage him for certain
What else can/should I do to prepare as best I can? Thank you so much for any feedback.
I know I need to break up with my boyfriend. He gets so frighteningly, disproportionately angry over little things very frequently. Has this really unhealthy belief that he's constantly being persecuted, constantly being bullied, constantly losing in life and so he is always angry. He's stuck in a sick feedback loop where he's getting off on his own rage. I don't want or need to be in a relationship with someone so full of entitlement, rage, and negativity.
I've never had to end things with such an angry, unstable person with impulse control problems, and I fear he will retaliate. He has expressed revenge fantasies to me several times, about how he will hurt this person and that person physically and financially for "what they did to him" and because they "don't deserve respect." I'm sure you can recognize the narcissism in him. He says he would "never" unleash the same kind of rage on me, but I don't buy that for a fucking second.
I have searched online but apparently haven't found the right keywords to yield the proper resources - how can I properly prepare myself for the rage I'm pretty sure is coming for me when I break up with this unhealthy person?
Here are some things I've thought of:
- Break up with him in a public place with lots of witnesses
- Tell him the breakup is because I'm "too busy with work," not because of anything having to do with him individually
- Tell all my local friends that I'm scared of this guy
- Install security cameras
- Give my friends a code word that means "help/call the police"
- Talk to my bank about putting temporary extra monitoring on my accounts/identification (because this guy works in the industry and has expressed fantasies of fraudulently taking out high interest loans in order to bankrupt people he doesn't like)
- Blocking him from all social media so he can't figure out my whereabouts or get new information about what I'm up to
- Possibly going to live in another city for a month if I need to (although I worry about my roommate being here)
- Saving/documenting all of his communications
- Don't take out a restraining order unless/until I need one, because pre-emptively doing so would enrage him for certain
What else can/should I do to prepare as best I can? Thank you so much for any feedback.
laid out here is a
good plan.
Frankly, I'd leave
town first and
let him know it's
over from a remote
and unknown location.
Regarding your roommate,
I'd be sure she knows
the whole issue and
that she needs to be
hypervigilant and keep
very solid boundaries,
including not opening
the door unless she's
completely sure it's
not him.
From what you've shared
it sounds totally possible
that he's capable of
perpetrating separation
violence. You need to
practice every possible
step to keep yourself
safe during this time
and for the foreseeable
future.
Please take good care
and stay safe!
Sending you hugs
and wishes for
safety and
healing.
You may also want to give your neighbors a heads up about who he is, what the looks like-so if they seem him hanging around your place at all they know what to do.
Mentally and emotionally this may be a very tough thing for you to go through-you'll be having not only all those lingering breakup feelings-they'll be even stronger because it was a relationship with an abuser, plus the fears and uncertainties of being stalked as you anticipate (you never know-hopefully it doesn't happen) can be really taxing. I have a feeling, for you to have this instinctive fear this post only scratches the surface of what you've been going through with this guy-I can only imagine. I'm sorry for that-you deserve better. Please consider counseling as part of your exit strategy.
Something that I read said people continue have these rage outbursts because the people around them allow it by engaging, diffusing, soothing, etc. - so if I just don't reply to these texts (they're always texts or emails, he never calls), he might start to think I'm neglectful and not worth having around ;).
I think I will speak with a DV org for some guidance.
Thank you so much for your support and encouragement, it really means a lot.
someone in a
D.V. organization.
And I also agree
that it's prudent
to wait till your
roommate leaves
in a couple weeks.
For the record though,
what you do and what
you say actually have
little to do with anything
he thinks, says or does.
He will consider you
to be disrespectful
no matter what you
do or don't do. He
would consider you
neglectful no matter
how much attention
you showered on
him. How can I
speak so glibbly
about someone
I don't know in
person? Because
abusers' behavior
is remarkably
predictable. With
some miminal
variations, they
all seem to be
reading from the
same "play book."
Sending you good
thoughts and wishes
for safety and all
good things.