Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
This week I've decided to go back into counseling at the local women's shelter, I've been thinking about it for a long long time and finally convinced myself to call. The woman I was seeing has left to further her education but I will be speaking with a new woman, I suppose it can't hurt. I'm really nervous about going back in, haven't been there in 2 years, having to go over everything again that I deal with on a day to day basis and try to justify to myself why I haven't left yet. Well nothing really to justify I guess, I just haven't managed to go through with it yet, even though Ive wanted to leave for 8 years or more, this is proving to be the most difficult thing I've ever had to deal with. Most days I can get through without getting too depressed, I do have my family and a few friends to help me deal but some days it just gets the best of me. I become obsessed with researching on how to leave an emotionally abusive marriage, looking for that AHA moment but it seems to never come. Things still move me and I get emotional about not having left and putting my son in this situation of having to listen to his father yell at me, belittle me. I speak to my son pretty openly about it and let him know that what his dad does is not normal and that no one should ever treat someone like that, my son does understand. He knows that somethings not quite right with dad, afterall he is 10 already. My body is starting to fail me, I've gained so much weight in the past few years its really hard to stay motivated to do anything, let alone taking on leaving him. Also am on 2 medications for anxiety and depression, my last blood test came back close to diabetes so if i dont lose weight, thats not a good thing, especially since i only have one kidney. My body constantly aches from the stress, I could go on and on with things going wrong with me and I'm only 34. I find myself very angry just wanting to scream at him, I very rarely raise my voice to him because I dont want to be that bad person that he is and set that example for my son, although it has happened on occasion, which i feel awful about. I deserve better and my son deserves so much more, he is my light, my life and what keeps me going day in a day out. The only reason I get out of bed, I try to focus on him and know I need to save him from this, this is no way to raise a child, he shouldn't have to deal with a father like this, no child should. Coming from a home that people rarely raised there voices, this is unacceptable and really hard to think that i have put up with this for so long but yet here i am, still hanging on, by a thread. And I dont even know why, I can't stand him, he occasionally will make me laugh but that's about it. We don't sleep in the same room anymore, of course he just thinks because the bed is uncomfortable but its just an excuse to stay away from him, so i dont have to sleep with him. But yet I have days that i feel sorry for him because he did have a horrible childhood and has felt abandoned by everyone, i have tried to help him and nothing works, and we are so past the point of no return anyway. Plus, I know that we choose how we treat people and he can be nice, he can treat me well, he just chooses at times to treat me like crap, because then maybe he will get his way more or its just easier. I can't fathom treating people like that just to get my way, I guess that's the difference between us. I can feel the stress in my body at all times, just waiting for something stupid to come out of his mouth. I don't try anymore to please him I've finally learned that no matter what i do he will always find fault, thats just who he is.
I guess I dont really have a choice in the matter, I have to some day sum up the courage to walk out the door or the only other option is to live in misery the rest of my life because this is how it will be and has been for the past however many years. And thats the point, I dont care if he changes, he has done too much harm to ever be able to win me back, so why do i stay, I'm just so worn down from the abuse over the years to take that step but i know its the only possible solution. I have to do it but i can't i am just so frozen. So tired and just completely lost, tired of wasting my life away.
I guess I dont really have a choice in the matter, I have to some day sum up the courage to walk out the door or the only other option is to live in misery the rest of my life because this is how it will be and has been for the past however many years. And thats the point, I dont care if he changes, he has done too much harm to ever be able to win me back, so why do i stay, I'm just so worn down from the abuse over the years to take that step but i know its the only possible solution. I have to do it but i can't i am just so frozen. So tired and just completely lost, tired of wasting my life away.
You know, I haven't left my husband either, although I was going to divorce him, twice. Ultimately, that did change him for the better, but...it was too late for me. I don't think I can ever love him again. But, we are together. Some people are just very loyal, even when they shouldn't be.
I started exercising 3 years ago, and it helped my depression enormously, now I am absolutely addicted to moving, not to mention that at 40 i have a better body than I did when i was 19. Have you tried something like that? Since you will be doing it for your mind at this point, actually breaking it up into 10 minute sessions is the best, you will get a little jolt of happiness after you complete each session. Doesn't matter what it is, as long as it makes you breathe hard and makes your heart beat faster. After about 2 weeks you will start to have lot more energy and you will sleep better too. Don't worry about your weight for now, when I was 34, I was in horrible shape and very overweight, our bodies change, sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse. You are not wasting your time away, I am sure that you have, we all have learned so much from our experiences.
Not only is your own physical/mental health at stake, so is the psychological wellbeing of your son. I just recently finished a course in college about the development of children (partly to find answers to questions about my own problems) and there was quite a bit covered about just how damaging it is for children to grow up in abusive or homes.
It doesn't matter how often you explain to your son that the abuse he experiences/witnesses is wrong, or even how well he understands that it is wrong (although both factors help signifcantly with resisting some of the harmful effects). Since he is still going through the formative years of childhood his brain is rapidly developing (much more so than any other point in a person's life) and it is unconsciously recording every experience with relationships with loved ones and home life.
Everything he experiences about interacting with significant others at home is being hard wired into his brain to be used in forming relationships as an adult. The longer he remains in an abusive environment while growing up the more prone he will become to either having difficulties forming healthy relationships, or to actually becoming an abuser himself. (More can be learned about these issues by looking up attachment theory, or attachment styles).
However, given your son's age getting out of your situation by leaving your abuser sooner rather than later should enable much (maybe even most or all) of the harm done to his development by the abuse to be corrected by the time he is an adult. Getting him counseling or therapy could also help repair/undo whatever damage has been done.
It will take a lot of "going through the motions" but trust your gut instincts. You and your son do deserve so much better.
I like Rosehip's idea about the exercising. It helped me tremendously too, and great idea to make it just 10 minutes or so to start. It will help clear your head and do something positive for you and as make these small changes it becomes self motivating. Take good care, keeping you in my prayers.
HUGS!
I have come to realize that the only thing holding me here is the fact that I am just stuck. I am terrified of taking the next step. Although, baby steps have helped me deal. I journal most days, I have hobbies that keep me busy, I have started to purchase small denominations of gift cards when I go grocery shopping, and have saved up over $300 that way, alone.
Every little step I take is another step towards freedom. My biggest concern is the toll the actual divorce will take on my kids. I love them so much, and I don't want to suffer, but I know that getting them out of this situation is the best for them in the long run.
Whatever you do, do it knowing that you have the support of hundreds, even thousands of women who have been in your exact situation. ((hug))