Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I am struggling today... Why do I feel so guilty? ='(
All was going well, his constant badgering (As sick as it sounds was really keeping my head straight with knowing that my choice to leave is still the right one).
Until last night..... He was very civil, didn't badger me, pretty much left me alone. A side note... we still sleep in the same bed, but it is a king size bed and I literally sleep on the edge, which he hates... When it was time for bed I was pretty tired and fell asleep pretty quick, he asked if I was asleep already and I mumbled yes. He came up next to me and put his head on me and in the saddest voice said "I love you so much, are you really going to divorce me?" I responded half asleep that I really didn't want to talk about it to which he responded and said sadly "You never want to talk about it." and went back on his side of the bed. Then proceeded to tell me that his mom (who has muktiple sclerosis) called him telling him how badly she is getting around and how much worse she is getting. He said that he doesn't know what he is going to do and is trying to figure out how he is going to handle all of this with his mom and that it is not like with my family where I have their support, it will be just him (he is an only child and has only his mom and dad). I told him that no matter what I would help him and he said it is not the same.
He then turned on his music as I now laid there awake and feeling bad and guilty.... I thought to myself, "could this be another tactic he is trying?" and remembered what my therapist told me "he is sociopathic and has no empathy and his emotions are at best surface emotions which is why he is able to turn them on and off so easily". I decided to test this to see if he really was sad or if he would be back to his normal self.
I asked him "by the way, who is this song by?" He responded with his normal tone (not sad) with the answer and I thought, "huh......" and I asked him a couple more questions and he conversed with me as if nothing was wrong. I felt a little validated and went to sleep.
I woke up this morning feeling guilty, feeling like I am leaving this man who has no family, no support, no nothing. I am not changing my mind about leaving but I am feeling so guilty and feeling like a horrible person.
I am a very compassionate person and no matter how badly I feel about myself I have this *I know what it feels like" mentality and vowed never to make anyone feel the way I did/do. I don't know if he is playing with my compassionate side or not knowing this.
Anyone else go through this and have these feelings?
All was going well, his constant badgering (As sick as it sounds was really keeping my head straight with knowing that my choice to leave is still the right one).
Until last night..... He was very civil, didn't badger me, pretty much left me alone. A side note... we still sleep in the same bed, but it is a king size bed and I literally sleep on the edge, which he hates... When it was time for bed I was pretty tired and fell asleep pretty quick, he asked if I was asleep already and I mumbled yes. He came up next to me and put his head on me and in the saddest voice said "I love you so much, are you really going to divorce me?" I responded half asleep that I really didn't want to talk about it to which he responded and said sadly "You never want to talk about it." and went back on his side of the bed. Then proceeded to tell me that his mom (who has muktiple sclerosis) called him telling him how badly she is getting around and how much worse she is getting. He said that he doesn't know what he is going to do and is trying to figure out how he is going to handle all of this with his mom and that it is not like with my family where I have their support, it will be just him (he is an only child and has only his mom and dad). I told him that no matter what I would help him and he said it is not the same.
He then turned on his music as I now laid there awake and feeling bad and guilty.... I thought to myself, "could this be another tactic he is trying?" and remembered what my therapist told me "he is sociopathic and has no empathy and his emotions are at best surface emotions which is why he is able to turn them on and off so easily". I decided to test this to see if he really was sad or if he would be back to his normal self.
I asked him "by the way, who is this song by?" He responded with his normal tone (not sad) with the answer and I thought, "huh......" and I asked him a couple more questions and he conversed with me as if nothing was wrong. I felt a little validated and went to sleep.
I woke up this morning feeling guilty, feeling like I am leaving this man who has no family, no support, no nothing. I am not changing my mind about leaving but I am feeling so guilty and feeling like a horrible person.
I am a very compassionate person and no matter how badly I feel about myself I have this *I know what it feels like" mentality and vowed never to make anyone feel the way I did/do. I don't know if he is playing with my compassionate side or not knowing this.
Anyone else go through this and have these feelings?
ALWAYS remember everyone has those feelings if they warn their abuser they are leaving.
If the Abuser knows or has suspicions that you are leaving. They will say or do ANYTHING to get you back, or to stay. That is their MO.
Once they have their victim (you) firmly back under control, the abuse escalates and gets much worse. This little act of his is just an act, please do not fall for it. They can be so very convincing. That is one reason to keep all your plans to yourself. If they know your plans in advance, most likely, they WILL stop you.
If I were you, I'd get the ball rolling on something.
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Wait a second, a kind, caring, compassionate partner with few boundaries?!? It doesn't get any better for these self-absorbed individuals!
My ex, in his saddest possible voice, told me I was his best friend and that without me he had no one. Then, less than five minutes later, he mentioned needing to chop firewood. He doesn't have a fireplace or anything similar, so I asked him why he needed the wood.... He had the exact same reaction as your husband... All of a sudden, in a marked contrast, his voice returned to normal... And he says 'well, for bonfires of course!' Like it was the most obvious thing in the world!! He has never, ever had a bonfire while we were together, not once! So I asked him who he invites (since I, his supposed and only friend won't be there).... And he says his friends!!!
I could virtually see him rolling his eyes!
I told him that must be hard, if his only friend in the whole world has just left him! He immediately realized his mistake, and tried to 'make nice'... You're the only person who knows me, I am not close to them, blah, blah, blah...
They will always have an excuse, they will always attempt to use ypur emotions against you, and they will always try to sucker you back in...
They don't ever want to lose, and they will do and say anything to make sure that doesn't happen!!! Ever!!!
His first comment, his first thought, the first words out of his mouth, were, "What's going to happen to ME?? .. Where am **I** going to go???"
In the rest of the (short) conversation and in any conversation since then, he has NEVER once commented on the effect of our divorce on his daughter, or on me. He one time mentioned how awful I was for not thinking about his children from his first marriage and the effect on them, and then I reminded him that I had in fact asked him about them and HE had said he didn't want to talk about it.
Me, me, me, me. me.
He does NOT care about you in the way that people like you and I understand caring. He cares about you only insomuch as you are a helpful tool, a useful implement that helps him live his life the way he wants to.
You were very smart to ask him an unrelated question..... remember his tone of voice when he responded.
You will not make him feel the way you did, because he's incapable of it. As your therapist said, his emotions are, at best, shallow. Which is why he could so easily switch from terribly sad to just happily talking about a song or whatever. The sadness wasn't real, it was just another hook.
You said this
"I woke up this morning feeling guilty, feeling like I am leaving this man who has no family, no support, no nothing"
And yes you will certainly feel like that considering the man intended u to feel all those things by his words!
Anyone would feel like that after hearing that sob story (anyone normal that is)
It's a sob story thou, trust me!
In difficult times and when he was loosing his grip on controlling me my ex had suspected cancer, a heart murmur, a stroke (in front of me when I was heavily pregnant) which was just him acting as if he was having a stroke, he was diabetic, he had written a suicide letter (apparently) and was going to kill himself, his kids were always seriously ill, his mum was always falling over and in hospital (she fell more than a toddler ) his brother had cancer, his wife's mother had cancer, he was angry all the time because he had banged his lympth nodes in his back (says a doctor!), the list is endless....
But the truth is that 99% of all that was total made up or at the very least, blown out of proportion and also he played on his upset over his misfortune to keep me in constant empathic mode towards him and don't forget this psychological fact, in the eyes of sociopaths, narcissists, psychopaths and so forth, empathy is a weakness, so in their eyes they are keeping u weak !!!
Hun he's full of crap, ignore his words because they are his weapons, and he's playing on your emotions and empathy.
I just can't wait for the day I am out, I would rather feel guilty out of the situation then in the situation (At least at this moment I think that). If it weren't for my kids I would have been gone in January.
Hope everyone has a wonderful weekend. From the bottom of my heart, THANK YOU!!! You are all a ray of sunshine in my eyes. Talk to you all soon I am sure. =)
I am going through much the same as you, I have also told my husband I am in the process of leaving, and altho I don't feel he is trying tactics to keep me, rather acting like whatever you want, selfish one, I don't give a ####, get the hell out then. But he is making me feel guilty about tearing apart our family. And he knows that is my soft spot for sure, even tho our kids are long grown. I hate how he is telling our kids and his friends that i have a boyfriend (def not true); how I am never satisfied, nada, nada, nada. Also not true as i work almost full time pay my way completely and never ask for anything from him. I am so thankful for this site as it keeps me positive when doubts set in, gives so much needed validation and info from ppl who have been there and know and understand. Still confused lots but it sure helps to read here. Sending you strength, prayers and hugs dear fellow confused friend, we will make it through this and thrive.