So my H has his first appointment with a counsellor next Tuesday (coincidentally our anniversary, although I'm sure he won't remember). I'm still not optimistic anything will change, but after having a couple of conversations with him about it, I think I actually believe that he is aware he has a problem. He says the fact that he swings up and down (periods of numbness - this is when he can get ugly - followed by periods of extreme guilt and pain - this is when he has emotional breakdowns) scares him and that he knows it's not normal. He says he knows his lack of empathy is not normal and doesn't understand how he could sit there and watch me cry yet feel nothing. He says he knows that he is self absorbed and has narc tendencies (but a part of me wonders whether he thinks most people are like that - his mother sure is). He told me he isn't even sure if he ever experiences any happiness. He said that times he thinks he might be happy, he is not sure if he really is happy or just putting on a "face" and faking it. How f*cked up is that...not even being able to tell if you're happy (assuming it's true, of course). He has told me these things in both moods i.e. we have had this conversation when I could tell he was numb (dead eyes) and also when he was feeling guilty and in pain. While I believe he hopes the marriage can be saved in the end, I know he is not sure if it can be because he's not sure if counselling will be able to sort his feelings out so to speak (I agree). Because of this he asked me to continue on with my life and not to start to open myself back up to him until he gets some counselling and sees whether he thinks he can sort himself out (which I was going to do anyway). He says the thing that scares him the most is hurting me again. Before all this I was convinced not only that he was agreeing to go to counselling just to keep me hooked but also that he would probably never actually go. Now I'm thinking he really believes he needs it and wants it. Even if all the above was true, I'm still not optimistic that counselling will work, because I don't know that he and his counsellor will dig deep enough to heal what is broken in him....if that's even possible. So bottom line, I am continuing to protect myself and going about my life as if nothing has changed, so body and heart will remain safe, but I have to admit this miniscule glimmer of hope is scaring me a bit because I'm afraid that not only is he possibly setting me up, but I'm setting myself up. How do I keep an open mind as far as him reaching out for help while at the same time keeping enough distance to ensure I don't get sucked back into the monster? Has anyone been in a similar situation? Any thoughts? Am I just a total moron, lol?
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