Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
So my H has his first appointment with a counsellor next Tuesday (coincidentally our anniversary, although I'm sure he won't remember). I'm still not optimistic anything will change, but after having a couple of conversations with him about it, I think I actually believe that he is aware he has a problem. He says the fact that he swings up and down (periods of numbness - this is when he can get ugly - followed by periods of extreme guilt and pain - this is when he has emotional breakdowns) scares him and that he knows it's not normal. He says he knows his lack of empathy is not normal and doesn't understand how he could sit there and watch me cry yet feel nothing. He says he knows that he is self absorbed and has narc tendencies (but a part of me wonders whether he thinks most people are like that - his mother sure is). He told me he isn't even sure if he ever experiences any happiness. He said that times he thinks he might be happy, he is not sure if he really is happy or just putting on a "face" and faking it. How f*cked up is that...not even being able to tell if you're happy (assuming it's true, of course). He has told me these things in both moods i.e. we have had this conversation when I could tell he was numb (dead eyes) and also when he was feeling guilty and in pain. While I believe he hopes the marriage can be saved in the end, I know he is not sure if it can be because he's not sure if counselling will be able to sort his feelings out so to speak (I agree). Because of this he asked me to continue on with my life and not to start to open myself back up to him until he gets some counselling and sees whether he thinks he can sort himself out (which I was going to do anyway). He says the thing that scares him the most is hurting me again. Before all this I was convinced not only that he was agreeing to go to counselling just to keep me hooked but also that he would probably never actually go. Now I'm thinking he really believes he needs it and wants it. Even if all the above was true, I'm still not optimistic that counselling will work, because I don't know that he and his counsellor will dig deep enough to heal what is broken in him....if that's even possible. So bottom line, I am continuing to protect myself and going about my life as if nothing has changed, so body and heart will remain safe, but I have to admit this miniscule glimmer of hope is scaring me a bit because I'm afraid that not only is he possibly setting me up, but I'm setting myself up. How do I keep an open mind as far as him reaching out for help while at the same time keeping enough distance to ensure I don't get sucked back into the monster? Has anyone been in a similar situation? Any thoughts? Am I just a total moron, lol?
or anything even close.
Personally, I'd say it's
realistic to be somewhat
skeptical that the counseling
will result in him finding a
new emotional connectedness.
It's possible, and time will tell.
How probable? That's the question.
I agree with your perspective
of maintaining a somewhat
neutral position.
Please take good care of yourself.
Sending you hugs
and prayers for all
good things.
I urge you to hold strong to this. If he truly wants help, and truly cares about not hurting you, he will seek help for himself and you don't need to be with him for that.
I'd tell him that you will support his efforts, but your views on the relationship have not changed.
And even if he gets serious help - there is no guarantee it will fix him, and if it does, I can tell you that it will be a lifetime process. Not just 6 weeks and he's done.
I am in a similar situation with a woman who is now quite open (but hid it from me for the first 6 months) about the seriousness of her mental illness. She's struggled with the same things her whole life, been in mental hospitals for moths at a time, attempted suicide multiple times, and is not shy about seeking help. She truly wants to get mentally healthy. But at the same time, she's not mentally healthy and probably not much better than she was 10 years ago, and I see very little forward progress over the last few months. And of course she tells me over and over how she needs me, how she doesn't want to hurt me, how she is trying her best... And honestly, this is a situation I think I need to get out of, not just for my sake, but for her sake. I'm enabling her; preventing her from doing what she needs to do to take care of herself and become whole (if that is even possible).
I agree with Ilene and Kevin. That one line about going about your life as if nothing has changed is a great one under the circs. He is the one who needs to prove himself here, if indeed he can. I really can't tell if it will work or not, because some of the things he is saying are things I heard before mine's attempt at counselling crashed and burned.
Mine went to counselling after I left. He did two sessions - one crying on her couch about me leaving and him not knowing why, and during the second she said ONE thing implying his behaviour to me had not been perfect, and that was it... he could not cope with the apparent 'insult' and he painted her black, never going back.
My opinion is a very cautious 'see how it goes'. Your heart and mind have been messed with a tremendous amount in this relationship.
I don't want to add anything more except lots of hugs, and we are always here if you need a vent or sounding board! xxx