Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I'm sorry this is so long, but I'm struggling a bit and would really appreciate some feedback. I sometimes feel like I might be a bit dramatic by calling this abusive. Maybe it's just unhealthy. Either way, any feedback would be greatly appreciated.
I've always viewed my husband as being a "good guy" who maybe wasn't so great at being a husband. After all, we both had some learning to do. I'm willing to own my shortcomings. We met when I was 17 and he was 24. I grew up in a hoarding situation and couldn't wait to get out. I think that contributed to the rapid progression of our relationship. I was extremely submissive and avoided confrontation at all costs, which led to a lack of boundaries in our relationship.
In hindsight, I don't think our relationship was ever healthy. When we met, I always told him that I wanted to remain abstinent until marriage. Three months in, he'd pressured me enough that I gave in. Six months later, we were engaged, and I was pregnant. I was about six months pregnant when he causally mentioned that he'd been engaged when we met. He acted like I'd known all along. I never argued with him about it because I didn't know what to do. I was 18 and pregnant, not able to go to college as planned and receiving a discharge from the Army.
I developed postpartum depression. I asked him to support me. He said I could just be happy if I wanted to. I brought up research on the condition. I begged and cried, asking him to just read it. He never did. I confided that I was having suicidal thoughts. He told me to quit being dramatic.
I found out I was pregnant with our second child. I was working full time and started going to school online. He refused to help with household chores, even once telling me we would have our child taken away from us if I didn't start focusing more on the house work. I was getting 2-3 hours of sleep per night and failing my classes.
When our second child was an infant, I was still working and going to school. He had an affair which produced a child. (I suspect there were more, but he'll never admit to it.) He said it was because he wasn't feeling loved. He wasn't happy because I wasn't taking care of the house. I stayed, wanting to work things out. I know I should have left, especially given the way he treated me while "reconciling." (He'd tell me to just stop feeling the way I did. I'd just have to trust him. He doesn't "do" feelings. He'd deal with me when I was happy. Sleeping with the other woman whenever we'd have a big fight.)
It took me a while to identify our relationship as emotionally abusive. It's cyclic. There are times when things seem to be going so well. So much so that we even decided to have another child. Even when we were "happy" things seemed wrong to me. I felt guilty because I fantasized about what things would have been like if I'd left when I had the chance. I know now that I should have paid more attention to these feelings.
He does passive-aggressive things to "teach me a lesson," rather than talk to me about things that bother him. For example, he once pulled all of the dishes out of the sink and stuffed the drain with paper towels. Then put the dishes back in, so it would overflow when I started doing dishes. When I confronted him about it he said, "Maybe next time you'll do the dishes sooner." More recently, he took the hair from the tub drain and stuck it to the ceiling, so I'd have to get a step ladder to take it down because it was "disgusting."
The nail in the coffin came two weeks before Christmas. I'd had the kids out at a Christmas event, but, because of traffic, we'd gotten home late. I couldn't get the baby to sleep, and I was exhausted. I brought him to bed with us to try to get him to sleep. My husband started making sexual advances. I told him "No." I mean, I was holding our 10 month old son. He kept going. I kept pushing him away, moving away from him, telling him no. He eventually just climbed on top of me and forced himself on me. At first I was angry. He apologized and says that's all he should have to do. That I should be over it by now. Now, I realize it has caused a larger problem. I won't go to bed with him. I stay up late to make sure he is asleep before I go to bed. I am losing a lot of sleep. I always sleep with my back against the wall. I had an actual panic attack when I went to bed to find him sleeping on that side. During the day, I'm not intimidated by him, but I'm afraid of what will happen if I go to bed with him at night. The tension is building. I'm not sure that he'd do it again, but I'm not sure that he wouldn't.
I'm planning on leaving, but it's a slow process. I'm not working right now, and I just finally was able to get my own vehicle this weekend. I'm doing job interviews, and my prospects look promising. I won't be making much, but I think it will be enough to get out. I know I won't see much, if any support from him.
I've let him manipulate me for so long that it's hard to hold my resolve for this long. I know I want out, but I just need a little reassurance. I don't want to talk myself out of this again.
I've always viewed my husband as being a "good guy" who maybe wasn't so great at being a husband. After all, we both had some learning to do. I'm willing to own my shortcomings. We met when I was 17 and he was 24. I grew up in a hoarding situation and couldn't wait to get out. I think that contributed to the rapid progression of our relationship. I was extremely submissive and avoided confrontation at all costs, which led to a lack of boundaries in our relationship.
In hindsight, I don't think our relationship was ever healthy. When we met, I always told him that I wanted to remain abstinent until marriage. Three months in, he'd pressured me enough that I gave in. Six months later, we were engaged, and I was pregnant. I was about six months pregnant when he causally mentioned that he'd been engaged when we met. He acted like I'd known all along. I never argued with him about it because I didn't know what to do. I was 18 and pregnant, not able to go to college as planned and receiving a discharge from the Army.
I developed postpartum depression. I asked him to support me. He said I could just be happy if I wanted to. I brought up research on the condition. I begged and cried, asking him to just read it. He never did. I confided that I was having suicidal thoughts. He told me to quit being dramatic.
I found out I was pregnant with our second child. I was working full time and started going to school online. He refused to help with household chores, even once telling me we would have our child taken away from us if I didn't start focusing more on the house work. I was getting 2-3 hours of sleep per night and failing my classes.
When our second child was an infant, I was still working and going to school. He had an affair which produced a child. (I suspect there were more, but he'll never admit to it.) He said it was because he wasn't feeling loved. He wasn't happy because I wasn't taking care of the house. I stayed, wanting to work things out. I know I should have left, especially given the way he treated me while "reconciling." (He'd tell me to just stop feeling the way I did. I'd just have to trust him. He doesn't "do" feelings. He'd deal with me when I was happy. Sleeping with the other woman whenever we'd have a big fight.)
It took me a while to identify our relationship as emotionally abusive. It's cyclic. There are times when things seem to be going so well. So much so that we even decided to have another child. Even when we were "happy" things seemed wrong to me. I felt guilty because I fantasized about what things would have been like if I'd left when I had the chance. I know now that I should have paid more attention to these feelings.
He does passive-aggressive things to "teach me a lesson," rather than talk to me about things that bother him. For example, he once pulled all of the dishes out of the sink and stuffed the drain with paper towels. Then put the dishes back in, so it would overflow when I started doing dishes. When I confronted him about it he said, "Maybe next time you'll do the dishes sooner." More recently, he took the hair from the tub drain and stuck it to the ceiling, so I'd have to get a step ladder to take it down because it was "disgusting."
The nail in the coffin came two weeks before Christmas. I'd had the kids out at a Christmas event, but, because of traffic, we'd gotten home late. I couldn't get the baby to sleep, and I was exhausted. I brought him to bed with us to try to get him to sleep. My husband started making sexual advances. I told him "No." I mean, I was holding our 10 month old son. He kept going. I kept pushing him away, moving away from him, telling him no. He eventually just climbed on top of me and forced himself on me. At first I was angry. He apologized and says that's all he should have to do. That I should be over it by now. Now, I realize it has caused a larger problem. I won't go to bed with him. I stay up late to make sure he is asleep before I go to bed. I am losing a lot of sleep. I always sleep with my back against the wall. I had an actual panic attack when I went to bed to find him sleeping on that side. During the day, I'm not intimidated by him, but I'm afraid of what will happen if I go to bed with him at night. The tension is building. I'm not sure that he'd do it again, but I'm not sure that he wouldn't.
I'm planning on leaving, but it's a slow process. I'm not working right now, and I just finally was able to get my own vehicle this weekend. I'm doing job interviews, and my prospects look promising. I won't be making much, but I think it will be enough to get out. I know I won't see much, if any support from him.
I've let him manipulate me for so long that it's hard to hold my resolve for this long. I know I want out, but I just need a little reassurance. I don't want to talk myself out of this again.
Have you called a DV hotline to get a plan to leave safely, and to find out what services you might be able to utilize such as counseling or legal aid to get out of this safely? Even if your H didn't beat you or hold to knife to you during that rape, the act of rape itself is horrible violence. He is a violent man-who knows what else he is capable of. Your safety is the most important thing! If he's done it once, (and he shows no remorse for it), there is a GOOD chance he will do it again! You need out NOW.
To me it seems he has exploited your natural submissive nature, which believe me, a lot of abusers do!! It is another common theme in my opinion.
"A bit dramatic?"
You were RAPED!!!!!!!!!!!!!
First he violated your values
when you wanted abstinence
till marriage.
Then he subverted your
educational plans by
making sure you
were carrying multiple
responsibilities.
Then he demonstrates
his displeasure, when
frustrated, by being
disgustingly hostile.
The he RAPES YOU,
while all the while,
you're saying 'No."
I'm glad you're planning
to leave. I concur that
you might find a variety
of supports by contacting
the nearest women's center,
and I urge you do to that
as soon as possible.
If you want an exercise
to help fortify your resolve,
I suggest you give my
Clarifying Index Card
exercise a try. I'll bump
that thread for you. But
if you do it, be sure to
keep the cards that
you generate secure
and nowhere that he'd
be able to find them.
Please take good care.
You and your children
will all be better off
away from this abuser,
but make sure to
STAY SAFE.
Sending you hugs
and wishes for
clarity and safety.
I'm trying to make this transition smooth, for the kids. At this rate, it may take a couple of months to get out, but this is the closest I've ever come. I think I'm going to take your advice and call the local women's center, though. There may be resources I'm unaware of that can speed this process. I'd also like to know what my options are if things get worse.
I thank you very much for responding. Having people that help me keep my perspective will be invaluable in these next few months. It would be so easy to fall back into old habits, and I don't think my mental health can take much more of this. My kids deserve a mother who is happy and stable. They deserve better.
I will certainly look at the index card exercise, but I'm not sure it is smart for me to have any physical thing for him to find. I've even had to create a new DS account. He found my original one, which I created after his affair, and waited until I went to work to read through it. He spent the rest of the evening berating me via text message while I worked and couldn't defend myself. I now visit this site under "incognito mode" so it doesn't show in the search history, under this new account. I'm not sure if he monitors me like he used to, but I'm not taking chances.
If he found them, I don't think he'd get violent, but he would definitely be verbally abusive. At this point, I need to try not to rock the boat. I don't do well when I'm being attacked. I tend to back down. I'm not as bad as I used to be, but I'm certainly not where I need to be. If I get this job, I will have insurance, and I'll be seeing a counselor. I think I really need that to help me clarify things and avoid ever getting myself into another similar situation.
It's not a bad thing to examine the factors which led to your situation, but I sense a lot of self blame here. The thing with abuse you must realize is there IS no way to get a different outcome other than more abuse. You can't be submissive enough to stop it, nor can you be strong enough and enforce enough boundaries to stop it. There is nothing you can do about it, and there is nothing you do to deserve it. Abuse exploits kindness and forgiveness, and optimism, and trust, it makes you feel too incapable to leave, to confused to see your situation clearly. And none of those things were your fault-they are your abuser's fault. YOUR responsibility comes when you get enough clarity to realize you are being abused and you can leave-which for you seemed to happen after the rape and you are taking those steps-and even then it is an extraordinarily difficult and often dangerous thing to do.
i was also raped by my ex in much the same manner. Numerous times. And I also avoided going to bed when he did, lost sleep, had panic attacks, all of the things you describe. I have been there.
For me, the decision to leave began with standing over my then infant son's crib as he slept, thinking about what I wanted for my son as he grew. And strong among the things I wanted for him was that he have respect for women generally and me in particular. And I realised I could not expect that, if I didn't have enough respect for me to leave my abusive marriage.
You are strong - you wouldn't be here on this site, you wouldn't have made the changes you have already made, you wouldn't have achieved anywhere near what you have achieved if you weren't. Submissiveness to your H is a habit, a survival technique. But it doesn't define who you are. And, as cant said, it didn't cause your H to be abusive. Nothing you did or didn't do caused that. He is the master of his own choices. He chooses to treat you the way he does. He chose to cheat on you, and he chose to try to put the blame on you (as he no doubt always does). He chooses to be lazy and expect you to carry the full load of household duties, even as you also carry the same external workload, plus the addition of study (as Ilene said, that was designed to have you fail at your studies, to keep you submissive, to keep you "less than" him).
Do reach out to the local women's shelter, and feel free to come here as well any time your resolve appears to flag, or you just want people who understand. But do know that the reason you are finding this hard is not because you are weak, but because it IS hard. Walking away from a marriage is always hard. It seems logical that walking away from an abusive marriage should be easier, but in fact it's actually harder because you are so conditioned to put him first, to do what he wants, to ignore your own needs and wants. To keep the peace. And what you are proposing to do is rocking the boat in a HUGE way. You must do it, for your sake and the sake of your children. But that doesn't make it easy.
Take care and know that we understand.
It can be so easy to forget how bad things can get. On the outside, we look like a happy family. We've gotten quite good at acting, and those that aren't incredibly close to us probably don't suspect anything is wrong. I honestly WANT to be that family so badly that sometimes, I just let myself believe we really are. That sounds a little crazy.
Liv, it is so relieving to know that there is someone who has gone through something similar and is standing on the other side telling me I'll make it. I convince myself a lot of times that I'm overreacting to things. It's a "peacekeeping" habit, really. To know that my reactions are totally normal gives me a little peace of mind.
It's still hard not to give in. I really don't want to sleep with him, but I'm tempted to do it just to keep him placated. He acts like there is nothing wrong. A week or so after the last incident, he "jokingly" said I was being a bitch because I wasn't sleeping with him. He keeps trying to guilt me into it. "It's been months since I've cuddled with my wife." Things like that. I'm just afraid if we start cuddling, it won't stop there. I don't want to put myself in a position where I'd have to say "No" because I don't know if he'll take no for an answer. I'm not sure what to do for the next few months. Either he'll give up or double his efforts.
Also, a large part of my plan to get out depends on my parents cosigning on a loan for me. I'll be starting all over, and he spends all of our money. I have no way to save. Plus, I'm not working yet, so I'd have to stay a lot longer than I want to, even if I was able to put money away. Today, my mother said they'll still cosign for me, but they want me to stay longer to save money. I haven't told them about the rape, but they know about everything else. I told her I just can't do it. I want out. She still insists that I should stay. The relationship with my parents is a story in itself, but I just don't understand how my mother can insist that I stay in this longer than I want. I've already been her SO much longer than I should have been.
That's not a surprise.
Have you shared with
your mother that he's
abusive?
If you haven't, then I
suggest that you do.
If you have, and she's
discounting what you've
said, then I'd tell her that
the abuse includes
sexual abuse. If she
discounts that, then
I'd tell her about
being raped.
It's good that she's
willing to support
you, but requiring
you to stay in a
dangerous situation
is NOT support.
My husband, on the other hand, is trying a new tactic. He brought home two bottles of wine. (He's never bought me wine before.) He wants me to start drinking now. He posted on Facebook that he's "on the to-do list." I never agreed to this. He thinks he can get me drunk and take advantage of me. I don't know how much longer I can stick it out. I'm beyond frustrated.