Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Hello
I beleive that i have been in an emotionally , verbally abusive relationship for over 26 years.
When the children were younger there was a small amount of physical abuse and at the time i had him removed from the house.
Why i let him back i dont know...
We have now been married for 26 years , been together 27.
Our daughters are grown up now and have thier own lives , our youngest lives at home but is hardly here if you understand.
He has always been a somewhat controlling person who has the need to be right.
When the children where younger they had to be quiet if he was watching the telly etc....they had to be in bed very early so he could have the night to himself.
He had a favourite child and practically shunned the other one to one side.
When they both wanted to sit on his knew he would tell them both that he only had room for one and it was always the favourite.
He once told a relative who had come over from emigrating to Australia that his favourite was better than the other one?
As you can imagine this has had a huge affect on her , ( the eldest ) but she left when she was 18 because her dad told her that she wouldnt amount to anything so she decided to leave and now she is at university , so he was wrong there?
About 10/12 years ago the affection stopped in my eyes.....there has been no intimacy since whatsoever.....no even cuddles in bed , Whenever i have brought it up its because im ill according to him.
I do have CFS ( M.E.) due to stress and a very bad infection that i got about the same time the sex stopped.
I had contracted a very bad water infection and because i was so ill i couldnt leave my bed and he wouldnt phone for the doctor as stuff like that is my job!..whenever ive been ill hes never phoned the doctor for me , ive always had to do it myself.
Anyway what happening now is i feel like if i dont do something now i will just basically die young here.....i am that depressed i think , i dont like going out , we never do anything together , we lead sperate lives as it is......
i asked him just before xmas if he was ever going to love me and he said he might he doesnt know......?
i also asked him are never ever going to have sex again and he said well i can tell you now , that your always going to be frustrated !!
on our 25th wedding anniversary i was going to try and get some sort of suprise together in a last dtich attempt to salavage what we have,,,,i just happen to mention how would he feel if i organised it all , would he renew his vows again , and he said hes done it once why would he want to do it again?
i just feel that if i stay here not matter how long weve been married its just not going to change......im not going to get what i want.
he has also got a terribly scary temper which he will not sort out even though so many people have told him to,.
I cant seem to do anything right here , whatever i do is wrong......or i get told i should do it this way or that way?
whenever i try to talk to him about our problems or lack of marriage he just raises his voice straight way shouting - LOOK !! weve talked about this , thats it end of?...he just will not talk about whats going on and he can see how ill i am becoming.......
The house is falling apart around us but he will not do anything about it even though he is a building surveyor!
it seems to me that as long as he looks ok outside its ok with him , he doesnt seem bothered about whats going on in the house.
I am 49 and he is 63 and he is due to retire in 19 months time and i do feel very guilty that i might have to leave when he needs me the most but i dont want to waste my life anymore?
i have been offered a 2 bed flat with a council in the next town and i honestly dont know what to do and i could do with some advice please?
Thank you xx
I beleive that i have been in an emotionally , verbally abusive relationship for over 26 years.
When the children were younger there was a small amount of physical abuse and at the time i had him removed from the house.
Why i let him back i dont know...
We have now been married for 26 years , been together 27.
Our daughters are grown up now and have thier own lives , our youngest lives at home but is hardly here if you understand.
He has always been a somewhat controlling person who has the need to be right.
When the children where younger they had to be quiet if he was watching the telly etc....they had to be in bed very early so he could have the night to himself.
He had a favourite child and practically shunned the other one to one side.
When they both wanted to sit on his knew he would tell them both that he only had room for one and it was always the favourite.
He once told a relative who had come over from emigrating to Australia that his favourite was better than the other one?
As you can imagine this has had a huge affect on her , ( the eldest ) but she left when she was 18 because her dad told her that she wouldnt amount to anything so she decided to leave and now she is at university , so he was wrong there?
About 10/12 years ago the affection stopped in my eyes.....there has been no intimacy since whatsoever.....no even cuddles in bed , Whenever i have brought it up its because im ill according to him.
I do have CFS ( M.E.) due to stress and a very bad infection that i got about the same time the sex stopped.
I had contracted a very bad water infection and because i was so ill i couldnt leave my bed and he wouldnt phone for the doctor as stuff like that is my job!..whenever ive been ill hes never phoned the doctor for me , ive always had to do it myself.
Anyway what happening now is i feel like if i dont do something now i will just basically die young here.....i am that depressed i think , i dont like going out , we never do anything together , we lead sperate lives as it is......
i asked him just before xmas if he was ever going to love me and he said he might he doesnt know......?
i also asked him are never ever going to have sex again and he said well i can tell you now , that your always going to be frustrated !!
on our 25th wedding anniversary i was going to try and get some sort of suprise together in a last dtich attempt to salavage what we have,,,,i just happen to mention how would he feel if i organised it all , would he renew his vows again , and he said hes done it once why would he want to do it again?
i just feel that if i stay here not matter how long weve been married its just not going to change......im not going to get what i want.
he has also got a terribly scary temper which he will not sort out even though so many people have told him to,.
I cant seem to do anything right here , whatever i do is wrong......or i get told i should do it this way or that way?
whenever i try to talk to him about our problems or lack of marriage he just raises his voice straight way shouting - LOOK !! weve talked about this , thats it end of?...he just will not talk about whats going on and he can see how ill i am becoming.......
The house is falling apart around us but he will not do anything about it even though he is a building surveyor!
it seems to me that as long as he looks ok outside its ok with him , he doesnt seem bothered about whats going on in the house.
I am 49 and he is 63 and he is due to retire in 19 months time and i do feel very guilty that i might have to leave when he needs me the most but i dont want to waste my life anymore?
i have been offered a 2 bed flat with a council in the next town and i honestly dont know what to do and i could do with some advice please?
Thank you xx
First of all, thank you for sharing your story.
I joined DS to help me go through abuses I suffered from my husband and to leave him, but reading your story reminded me a lot about my mother and father.
What you described sounds exactly like my own father, who is also in the same age bracket as your husband and so I am speaking from the perspective of a daughter of a verbally and emotionally abusive father; and also as a wife of an emotionally and physically abusive husband.
1. It's not too late to leave him. You have done more than your fair share of making this relationship work and you've obviously come to the conclusion that it isn't working. My mother did not leave my dad until I was 19 years old and I was very proud of her for leaving. IN fact, in my earlier teenage years, I resented my mom for not having the courage to leave him. I know better now but back then I did not respect my mother for staying with him.
2. The effects of his abuse will stay with you and your children, and the longer he remains in your lives, the more painful it will be for all of you. My father was verbally very abusive to me. He also favoured my sister over me. He openly admitted this in front of all our relatives and even his co-workers. He said my sister was the cute one and I was the ugly one. We are Asian and he would often comment on how dark I am. His sister once said she should take a knife and cut around my face to peel off the top layer of my skin so maybe the layer underneath would be brighter. And he would concur with shit like that. When I was a teenager I had zits. He would tell me that I look like I have an infectious disease, and told me to stay in my room when his friends come over or else it might embarrass him. These things had residual effects on me. And I HATED him and to this day (10 years later), I still have not talked to him. I swore and swore I woudl NEVER NEVER NEVER marry a mean person like that, yet guess what happened, I fell into the same trap! Ironic, isn't it? And this is what you have to prepare for... that your own daughters may also one day be with an abusive partner. This is why you need to set an example and show them that you can leave in situations like this. Even though it took my mom 23 years to leave my dad, it was an example I looked up to during my darkest hours. Because of her, and what she did, I was also able to leave my husband.
3. Please do not feel guilty about leaving him when he "needs you most." How has he shown this, or any iota of appreciation? He is a grown man. I don't know the specifics of your situation, but what exactly are you worried about? Put this concern aside for a bit and ask, "what about yourself?" Who has been taking care of YOU when you needed it most? YOURSELF -- not him! It's time you think about what's healthy for you. Why should his health override yours?
4. Nobody deserves to be in an unloving marriage. Not only are your needs not fulfilled, they are being trampled on constantly by his neglect and negativity. Neglect is also a form of abuse. You sound absolutely crushed and this is no way to live.
5. There is life beyond him. Yes it's be 20+ years and you may think (I am only guessing, based on what my mom went through) how you're going to restart this late in the game? Well actually it's not and if you do choose to leave him, then it's just the beginning of a fresh new start! My mother left my dad when she was in her mid 40s. She went through a painful period of depression. However, she got over it and WOW it was like she was reborn. She started ballroom dancing and became so good at it, she competed provincially and won several trophies. She took up event management -- studied in night courses and got herself involved in doing something she loves. And now she is one of the most sought-after event managers in the city! She made lots and lots of friends and I dare say is still SWARMED by men today. She tells me that her REAL life seemed to have begun after she left my dad, and I am so proud of her! Have hope, is what I am saying.
6. Trust your heart. NOT the false hoping-he-will-change-and-things-will-get-better part of your heart, but the gut instinct that whispers "I don't deserve this" whenever he neglects you, puts you down and outright insults you. When you mentioned the 2-b flat, you sound kind of hopeful. When you talk about your husband, you sound downright miserable.
Based on what you said, I cannot sense anything positive about this relationship. I cannot even sense any nolstagia or hope that he'll warm to your efforts.
You only live once. Do understand though, that you will feel a lot of pain and guilt at first. But there is life beyond divorce. And life spent under neglect and criticism is not a good life at all.
Please update us on your status. I wish you could meet my mother. But I know you are strong like her. You can do it, too.
New start....go for it! Easylaugh is right about not settling for a marriage of neglect. Her #4 is right on! Let's start really believeing that!
I so so know how you feel, that even though you gave up the closeness years ago, you harbor some hope that he will "get it". My H is the same...and our house is falling apart too...and he is in the business too...they truly don't know how to care. They are too angry and are almost happy when we are ill or hurting too. It is a no win...go for the flat! Don't look back!
Connect with your
nearest women's aid centre.
Get support for ending a
long-term abusive marriage
and set yourself up to be able
to live a life free of abuse.
If you want a life,
then leave your abuser.
LOVE YOURSELF.
Take good care of yourself.
Hugs to you, along with
healing thoughts.
i really wasnt expecting any replies at all..........but im hugging you all right now for all your strength and support and it means so much.
I have now got to go and pick my grand daughter up from school , tonight when i have time i will reply to this because i will have more time then..........
Thank you soooooo much.........i think you have given me the strength to do what i need to do for my own sanilty xxxxx
Theres so much love here and im sop grateful xxxxxx
forst of all im sorry that i didnt get back to this when i said i would , theres a lot going on in this house at the moment.
At the moment we have an ongoing situation that basically the bathroom floor in sinking into the kitchen and we are constantly getting water from the bathroom coming into the kitchenand this has been going on for years and hes rufused to do something about it , well to cut a long story short , our youngest daughter has the bedroom on the same wall as the bathroom and its affecting her bedroom floor now and between us weve got together and got someone down to see to it.....of course ive been hammered with loads of anger and im 'making a big deal out of it '....this by the way is his favourite thing to say to me........thats all he says when i mention something that is bothering me?.......im too sensitive , im making it bigger than it is.....its not as bad as you think......etc......
as though my thoughts dont count for anything......
so at the moment we have builders in and to make matters worse we now have a blocked drain , and really not nice stuff from the toilet all over our garden and its because he started messing with the toilet but of course he blames the builders.....
our youngest daughter who still lives at home , the favourite one , in HIS eyes , is a typical daddys girl but even shes getting fed up now with everything..
Theres so much that i could tell you all thats happened but it would honestly take days to write...
ive been built up and let down that many times i dont even know if i still have a heart.
At times this man has promised me houses , cars , this that and the other and told me go and look at these things and get information and when ive got them hes denied ever saying i could in the first place??? time and time again and ive fell for it because i wanted everything to be ok,.
I know its not everything but when i had our 1st daughter i had to have an emergency C-Section and when i was being prepared to be rushed into theatre he decided that he was going home to get some tea as he was hungry !!
I should have known then.........
When i had our 2nd daughter i was the only one on the ward without flowers from thier husbands , when i mentioned in he told me i should be grateful he was visiting?
I should have left then too.......
There are so many other times when i should have left , like when he wouldnt take our eldest to hospital when she broke her thumb and i had to sneak her out in the middle of the night so he wouldnt get annoyed....i should have left when we were seperated once and when he got a bill that he needed to pay he came straight round to the house in a raging temper and nearly ran me over with our youngest girl in my arms......oh theres so much more but just going over this is making me feel so stupid !!
Easy......what you wrote about how your father treated you differentley , that just made me cry........
Im so sorry you went through that , NO ONE and i mean NO ONE is ugly.......everybody is beautiful and everyone deserves love.
I was born with a facial disfugurment and from the age of 5 right through to being 16 leaving school i was bullied........i was LAUGHED at every single day.......and do you know what.......my husband knows what this did to me and he knows how it made me feel and guess what........he laughs at me too......whnever i say something intelligent or important , he laughs at me....
i have asked him to stop time and time again and that old chesnut comes up.......IM BEING TOO SENSITIVE.
I am living in constant dissapointment , i am not a materialistic person , but i have never had a suprise off him , no birthday presents , no xmas presents etc.........i get told i should be thankful he pays the bills.......
and when i ask him to do something for me , whether its letting me have some money , which is rare because i have to ask for every penny , i OWE him a favour......if i want him to clean the bathroom , i have to clear it first because HES doing ME a favour.....if i need picking up from somewhere he tells me he wont forget because HES doing ME a favour.........
and no im not getting my day to day needs met at all.......
i am a shadow of the person i was.
I know there is life beyong him Easy , but i dont want to struggle , i havcent had a job in 25 years because i wasnt allowed to.......how would i get one now?
but then again how can i stay here?
xxxxx
You can manage to live
under the roof of abuse
by deadening your spirit
and annihilating your soul.
If you choose that for yourself,
that's what you'll be teaching
your daughters about how
to live.
I hope you will choose
life filled with a soaring spirit
and an abundant, spilling-over soul,
and that THAT's what you'll choose
to model for your daughters.
Leaving is hard.
You'll be sacrificing some things.
Are the things you'd be sacrificing
keeping you alive and vibrant?
If not, consider what you'd
be gaining by leaving.
All the best to you.
Please, consider your choices
carefully. They effect not your life
alone but your children's, as well.
Take good care.
Yes there seems to be a lot of problem going on in your house. However, please stay focused and do not let those "issues" hinder you from your plan to leave his toxic relationship.
I think it's no coincidence that the house you share with this man reflects the quality of your lives built together -- everything inside is falling apart. I think you will feel some relief the moment you step out of both.
So have you taken the two-bedroom flat?
Stay strong! I think you've come to realize you don't deserve this kind of treatment and I know your children will appreciate your courage just as much. If not now, definitely in the future they will.
Kisses and hugs!
Much of what you have said, NewStart, is similar to stuff I have felt/experienced too. First of all, there is no such thing as "too sensitive". There is NO SUCH THING. Sensitivity is a virtue to be cherished and appreciated, not a flaw to be exploited. If someone does/says something hurtful, then the fact you are hurt by it is because it's hurtful, not because you are "too sensitive". And that's true whether or not someone else would also be hurt by it. If your partner feeds you stuff he knows you are allergic to, is it your fault you have a reaction? Of course not. Same goes for things he knows will hurt you emotionally. It doesn't matter one tiny little bit whether he would, himself, feel hurt by the same thing. It doesn't matter whether your hurt is rational (though the stuff you talk about is ENTIRELY rational). The simple fact is that a loving partner doesn't say hurtful things - or if they occasionally do, they don't then blame their partner for being hurt.
You are not stupid for taking your marriage seriously and for having hope. Don't beat yourself up for the mistakes of the past. We have all been there. We have all stayed past when we "should" have left. But now you have found the strength and courage to have a way out. Instead of beating yourself up for the "should have"s ,give yourself a huge pat on the back for where you are now - finding a council place, reaching out for support, realising that you do NOT deserve his treatment.
You owe him nothing. You have given him two wonderful, beautiful (I agree with you on that - we are all beautiful) daughters, you have given him 27 years of your life, you have given him your heart and soul. It's time to take those last 2 back.
Your heart can heal. Your soul may feel shredded (I know mine did), but it's not, it's just hiding. You can find you again. It's not too late - I left at 40 with a baby.
Take good care of yourself, take the flat and find a new life for yourself where you can do as you please.
I wish you the best in your new life and know that it won't be easy at first. It will be better than what you are going through now. I do know that.