Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Hi. Let me introduce myself. I am Chanty, recently separated from my husband of 2 years and 6 months. I moved out 2 weeks ago from the apartment we shared together. At the beginning, Everything was amazing and I thought we were in love. However, 6 months ago, I found out that he never stopped seeing his ex girlfriend even after we got married. I confronted him about this and he became extremely abusive verbally and physically violent to the point that he choked me with his own t shirt and he beat me and punched me and left bruises on my body. He asked me to move out from our apartment but I decided I still want to try to save our marriage and I stayed even after he was violent with me on many occasions and 2 times I had to go to emergency because he twisted my arm and beat me and pressed a pillow on my face so I could not breath and try to suffocate me.
i really don't understand why i continued to try to fix and save my marriage when he continued to be violent with me and I really became obsessive about saving my marriage. The last time he attacked me was because I told him I still love him and he pinned me down on the bed and he punched me and put a pillow on my face and I was not able to breath under the pillow for a few seconds.
i found out 2 months ago that I am pregnant( I am 14 weeks pregnant now) and I told him about my pregnancy, but he continued to be violent eventough he knew I am pregnant. Finally, on November 3 rd, I went to police after 6 months of physical abuse and reported him for his continuous violence because I felt I have to protect my baby.
i feel very traumatized by all this violence and the men that I loved and respected turned into a violent monster. I have flashbacks and nightmares about him suffocating me, hitting me and beating me.
I don't understand myself why I let myself to be abused. I finally moved out and staying with a friend but my future is uncertain.
The craziest thing is that I still love him but I know that this is not healthy for me.
I can't stop thinking about the awful things he did to me and I ask myself why he did it and why I stayed. I cannot sleep or eat and I am just continuously thinking and thinking and every simple thing I have to do takes a lot of effort. Even taking a shower or dressing myself takes a lot of effort and I stopped functioning. I have obsessive thoughts about how the abuse happened and I blame myself that I didn't leave after the first time he was violent and I stayed and try to fix my marriage.
I am stuck and feel very paralyzed!
Anyone can help or give me advice on how to try to move on and start to recover and heal from this trauma and stop trying to think my marriage is fixable. I never wanted to give up and I feel it is a continuous mental anquish and torture I am experiencing. I need to find a way to feel better!! Cannot live like this!!! Please help!!!
Thank you very much,
*******Choking & smothering with a pillow are clear signs you and your baby's lives are in dire danger and always will be. So he should never ever be allowed to be alone with you or your child.*********
You also need to find a qualified specially trained trauma release therapist to help you in your healing and grief process. Talk therapy alone rarely heals. It often rips off the scabs that cover but never heal the trauma. Specially trained trauma release therapists use specific modalities along with talk therapy and each session should have a healing component. Sadly many therapists don't understand the dynamics and effects of abuse, even physical abuse. Therapy will also help you to rebuild your self-esteem and self-confidence as well as learn to set and keep healthy boundaries and trust your inner knowing above all others. It will take a concerted effort on your part, but its definitely doable.
All the best to you and your baby. You both deserve to live a peace-filled abuse-free life.
~healing hugs~
I am truly traumatized by his violence and I will never understand why he did this to me and my unborn child. Why I deserved this kind of treatment after all the good things I have done for him and loved him with all my heart. It is very difficult for me to comprehend why he resorted to this extreme form of violence. How can I make sense of this?
No one EVER deserves to be abused. Ever. There are no excuses or defenses that justify an abuser's actions. There is really NO understanding the whys. Most of us waste a lot of our precious moments (months & even years) wondering and trying to figure it out. And we rarely get any satisfactory answers. There is no comprehending the whats, whys, hows, etc. of someone who claims to love us and then abuses us. In the end, why really doesn't matter.
**********Know that his actions have ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. It's actually about control - or losing control. That's why the most dangerous time is when someone tries to leave, just saying they're thinking about leaving AND even after leaving. And that's why going and staying TOTAL NO CONTACT is critical to one's safety.
Also know that NOTHING you do will help him get/change for the better. NOTHING. His violence is w/in him. He CHOSE to take it out on you. He will do it to the next woman/women. The chances of him changing for the better PERMANENTLY are less than 2%. Anger management classes are a joke. These are deeply wounded ppl. They CHOOSE to not get appropriate help. They CHOOSE to pretend to change. They CHOOSE to promise it won't happen again. They CHOOSE to cry and say how sorry they are. They CHOOSE to then turn around and do it all over again.
There is no understanding/comprehending. There is NOTHING you can do. His actions are all about him and him alone. It's just the way he is. And I bet it didn't start with you.***********
I haven't read it, but some say that the book, "Why Does He Do That" is helpful. So you might check that out.
I have read and highly recommend The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans which describes various types of verbal abuse. It will help you recognize/identify the earlier parts of abuse and being 'groomed.' She says verbal abuse often leads to physical violence. In your case, that's already a reality.
The healthy way you make sense of this is to get therapy with a qualified trauma release therapist. And practice extreme self-care.
Thank you very much
You asked: "I will never understand why he did this to me and my unborn child. Why I deserved this kind of treatment after all the good things I have done for him and loved him with all my heart. It is very difficult for me to comprehend why he resorted to this extreme form of violence. How can I make sense of this?"
The reason is because he is emotionally and psychologically damaged. He's not appropriate to be in a relationship with another person, because he dumps all his excess emotional garbage on others, physically acts out his frustration on others, and apparently has no desire to make different choices. You missed the red flags early on, when most people would have left. That does not make you a bad person. It probably means you just need to find a therapist and work on that piece.
Another thing that caught my eye was "Why I deserved this kind of treatment after all the good things I have done for him and loved him with all my heart." It's not about what you deserve, it's about what he has the capacity to give.
He won't ever love you the way you love him and the reason is two fold. First, if this is your idea of a loving relationship, you honesty don't understand what love is. Love is attraction, respect, loyalty, and kindness. Your ex was not treating with your any of those.
Secondly, love is not some kind of exchange of love and kindness on your part for respect and safety from being harmed on his part. No matter how nice you are to an abuser, they are hard wired to abuse.
My worry is that you consistently underestimated the danger you were and are at risk for doing that again. It's telling that you got out to save your child but weren't willing to get out to save yourself. Whether you see it or not, you are important and deserve to be safe and loved. This man is way too abusive to be around you and your child. Your child will look to you for love and protection, so make a good choice and keep your child away from him.