Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I am NC with my parents. They are hugely dysfunctional, and during my divorce from my abusive ex they chose to support him instead of me and their grandchildren. They even violated the restraining order and took my kids to visit their abuser - not only dangerous but it put my custody of them in jeopardy, too. Being NC is the right decision and I am so much happier, but I did not come to it easily. It took three years of crying, and trying to explain things to them, talk to them, tell my side, and on and on. After years of this and a lot of therapy I finally accepted that they were never going to change.
So now I have been NC for about 6 months, and suddenly he minions are coming out of the woodwork. My brother has started contacting my friends to ask what the hell is wrong with me, and I got a letter from my favorite aunt today just broken hearted about how much suffering I was causing, and can't we all just get along?
I would like to know how to handle these extended family members. I'm sure my mother, especially, has been running a smear campaign, she's done it before. But some of those relationships are valuable to me. Do I explain why I am NC? Just tell them I love them and refuse to engage? What?
It's making me feel surprisingly guilty.
So now I have been NC for about 6 months, and suddenly he minions are coming out of the woodwork. My brother has started contacting my friends to ask what the hell is wrong with me, and I got a letter from my favorite aunt today just broken hearted about how much suffering I was causing, and can't we all just get along?
I would like to know how to handle these extended family members. I'm sure my mother, especially, has been running a smear campaign, she's done it before. But some of those relationships are valuable to me. Do I explain why I am NC? Just tell them I love them and refuse to engage? What?
It's making me feel surprisingly guilty.
communicate with
those with whom I
wanted to attempt
to maintain a relationship,
that you to this action
after your parents violated
the court ordered
restraining order.
Are you being supported
by working with a qualified
therapist? If not, working
with a great counselor
can help immensely.
Sending you hugs
and wishes for
better days.
I would be careful though. It sounds like your parents have 'gotten' to your brother and your aunt (& maybe others). So it may be too late.
Therefore, if you do decide to communicate with them, focus on your action, not the outcome. i.e. if you want to tell them, do so. But don't expect/wish what you do/say to have any bearing on any family members' actions or change of mind/heart.
The fact that your brother is going behind your back asking your friends what the hell is wrong with you INSTEAD of talking w/you directly is a HUGE red flag that could very well indicate he has fallen under the "spell" of your parents. Had he come directly to you, I would have taken that as a more positive sign.
I'm sorry you are having to deal with this. But, good for you for doing everything you can to protect yourself and your children!
~healing hugs~
Maybe a bare bones type of letter with an invitation to call you to talk about it?
It felt safe at the time, but now I'm feeling really lonely and am having seconds thoughts. But I'm still terrified to let people back in carte blanche because it was apparent to me that no one really cared about my and my kids' safety before I went NC. So I still don't see anyone physically, and I don't let anyone know my exact address and job.