Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Ok, this is what happened last night, we had an argument and I went outside to have a cigarette, he followed me out a few minutes later and started up again. I was just done with it, I've been trying to just walk away lately and not play into his temper tantrums, so I got up from the chair and said I didn't want to talk. He says well if you don't want to even talk to me, just leave then, pack up and go, you don't sleep with me anymore and you don't want to talk to me, so what good are you, just leave. I just walked back inside because this is at 1030pm and sat down, my son was still up because we all had just finished a movie together, so I acted as if nothing had happened. Of course he comes in and says well why aren't you leaving, I told him I'm not talking about this right now our son is here. he let up and let it go, and just said if you would just act like you love me maybe I wouldn't get so upset. I said well you should act like you love me too and he went to bed and I slept on the couch per usual. He thinks I sleep on the couch because the bed is uncomfortable, that is part of it but mostly I just don't want to be near a man that is angry every day, Jekyll and Hyde syndrome,I never know what mood he will be in. any way now that I've rambled, my question is, was this a guilt trip to just make me feel bad because I'm not the wife he expects me to be? And why did I stay when he gave me an out that I've wanted for 7 years?
It sounds like he was guilting you and trying to manipulate you to sleep w/him. I also think that abusers like to goad us to react to them so they have an excuse (at least in their minds which work very differently from normal people's minds) to escalate, manipulate and control even more.
Only you can answer why you stayed, but my guess would be that you didn't have a safe plan in place for you and your son to go. So your decision was probably the wisest one you could make at the time. Trying to leave when he was acting that way would have (again in his mind) given him reason to escalate.
If you haven't already, please contact your local women's shelter and ask them to help you put together a SAFE plan for you and your son to leave. And whatever you do, do NOT tell your abuse what you're planning or that you've contacted the shelter.
Absolutely. Something has changed in you, maybe something very small, but he feels it. Of course, I don't know about the course of your marriage, but I'm guessing at the beginning you didn't explicitly ask for something back from him. You just loved him madly and gave, gave, gave. Now you have a child, which takes away your focus, which he resents. He wants the old you back. He feels he deserves the old you back. Notice he says that you are no use if you don't talk to him or sleep with him. That implies that you have no intrinsic value, only what you can give to him.
And why did I stay when he gave me an out that I've wanted for 7 years?
He doesn't believe for a moment that you would take it. I mean, who packs up a suitcase and a child at 10:30 and just leaves? It was not an out, it was a tactic to make you feel awful and scared so you will get back in your place. If you were to actually take his request seriously and make concrete plans to get out, he would do anything and everything (none of it nice, except maybe some fake posturing to suck you back in) to get you to stay. He doesn't want you to leave. That is the absolute last thing he wants. He needs you. And hates you because of it.
That's my take on it based on the break-up of my own marriage. My husband hissed into my face that he HATED me. But when I wanted to separate, he would not *leave*. If we want an out from this kind of marriage, we have to give it to ourselves. And we have the right.
I'm so sorry you are going through this, and I really hope you feel better soon.
Thing is, on the few occasions I actually called his bluff and tried to leave, he became very scary and physically stopped me from leaving and or from taking the kids. You did the wisest thing by not taking his out, because instinctively you knew it wasn't really an out, IMO.
Hugs to you. You'll get there, but with these kinds I believe it takes careful planning.
We stay for many reasons. Mine was financial. But then I reached the point where I really didn't care. I needed him out and knew things would fall into place. I would make it work. And, it did. Remember, you do not need "an out" to leave him. You do it when you're ready and not on his terms.