you are closer to being free than you think. working to build the muscles lacking in ourselves makes us less vulnerable, and you are doing the work. confronting this, isolating it as a trigger, noticing your part in the abuse cycle....these are the pieces that eventually make you whole enough to be impervious to anything.

remember this is just anxiety. it feels terrible, but it is just a feeling, not the zombie apocalypse. try guided meditation and relaxation techniques, try visualization, try anything that is about calming yourself. every time you break NC you re-traumatize your psyche, and that just sucks. a therapy technique that could be helpful is to walk yourself down the "what if..." road:
he doesn't pay you in time
then what happens?
all my bills are late
then what happens?
i get nervous
then what happens?
the bills accumulate late fees
then what happens ?
i have to borrow money or get a second job
then what happens?
i'm tired as hell
then what happens?

eventually, you see that even if things get bad you will survive, and things will never be as bad as when you were abused. sometimes, just knowing you can make it through is enough to quell the fear, and keep you from going back and getting sucked into the game.

I am so sorry to hear that, Shannon. That is really stressful. Have you ever waited a day or two after the money was due before reaching out to him?
I'm glad to hear you're on the road to being able to support yourself financially. I think that is key. You will feel so much freer knowing that you can stand on your own two feet.

"you are closer to being free than you think"

This made me burst into tears. I so very much want to be. We were married for more than 20 years and his job always came first as he was in the military and traveled all over. I make very little money and it is so difficult to be dependent on him. Soon...

I love the idea of going down the list of what ifs. That was actually very very helpful. Also, waiting a day or two after the money is due? I love that. I just always feel such anxiety that I feel like I "can't" but I can because just like today... silent treatment.... he doesn't respond anyway.

I love what vern said! When I left, my income was cut to less than half of what I was used to when I was married. I also moved to a tiny little rental house less than 1/3 the size of the home I designed. I spent 3 or 4 years worrying about not having enough money. Then I did the 40 day abundance meditation* and before it was half over, things started shifting. It helped me to understand more about gratitude and how the more find things for which I am grateful, the more I find things to be grateful for.

* I bought the book by John Randolph Price, but here are the essentials on line. The two key points are 1. print out & sign the agreement statement (for yourself) and 2. If you miss a day, you have to start all over.
http://www.innerself.com/Money_Matters/prosperity_plan.htm

I no longer worry about having enough. I always more than enough! Anthony DeMello, in his last book, The Way to Love, says (paraphrasing) we always have exactly what we need in each moment. The reason we are unhappy, anxious, worried, etc. is because we are focusing on what we don't have instead of what we do have. i.e. we don't focus on the only thing we have which is this very moment. :-)

This actually flows right into the other thing I wanted to say. And that is, Once we realize at a deep level that the only reason they have power over us is because we gave/give them that power, a miracle happens! We take our power back. Besides doing the emotional work (which are you and kudos to you for doing it!!!), we can also take proactive steps. Since he owes you 5 yrs back alimony he is in direct defiance of a court order. Have you considered filing with the court for back alimony so they will garnish his wages? Win or lose, that is a way to start taking your power back. A very wise therapist used to tell me over and over and over (cuz I didn't get it back then, lol)...

Focus on the actions, not the outcomes. She was so on point. It's the actions we take or don't take that either take back or give away our power.

*pumps fist in air* Rock on shannon!!!!!!

Thank you for the tip! I will research that. I need all the resources to draw on that I can. :)

He actually isn't five years over due. He still owes me five more years but he has never been late more than a day or two. He always threatens not to pay to get me upset but he does always actually pay. It is infuriating. I see it as a way to control me and it works. I like the idea of waiting until he is ACTUALLY late before contacting him. I just always anticipate a problem.

Isn't it awful, the way they reach out to you relentlessly and then when you respond, they ignore you? It is so disrespectful. It makes me hate him from a very deep sickening spot deep down in my soul. I have been crying and sad for the loss of my marriage for almost three years. I wonder if I am going to go through an equally long period of anger. I am just starting to feel twinges of anger. It comes in a force that is hard to control.

He has done this to us. To his daughter. To his son. To his family. We built a home together and it is lost to me. I put all my eggs in his basket and he shattered it all. There was never even another woman. He shattered it all with cruelty. That makes me so MAD.

I feel like going on a tirade to him and telling him what a piece of sh*t I think he is except I know what his response would be. A very mocking, "PMS time again, huh?"

To feel the depth of the emotion that I feel and to be mocked for it. It hurts.

Both my exes who are abusive are/were military. ...

I don't have anything To add but wanted to let you know that I feel your pain and sending you hugs. Financial abuse is part of domestic violence and he knows he can control you/your feelings with it. Being aware of that and using techniques To manage your anxiety is a practical way forward x

for what it's worth, I feel your pain, your words ring all too familiar to me. Married to the same guy maybe? I think not but wow, so similar. You are recognizing and working on so many things, and doing great! Focus on that! You know him like the back of your hand, use that to your advantage. You know he's waiting to hear from you a day after the alimony is due, don't give him that satisfaction. Stick it out and wait at least a few days, that will be the feather in your cap.

You can do this, you're doing so great!!! It sounds like he's basically doing the right thing that he's paying every month, the day or two late is to try to get a reaction out of you. I'm def not on his side, only pointing out that YOU got this!!! You are farther than you realize. Sending hugs to you!!

shannon i hear you! why the heck would someone be cruel just to be cruel, to destroy everything in a 6,000 mile radius just because they don't feel like stopping. at least if there was another woman there would be a REASON for it. it is a testament to the narcissistic sociopathic ability to decimate every angle, every shred of respect and trust and peace.

it doesn't make sense. you stay because you can't figure it out.
then you see what it is. you stay because you are enraged and need to tell him.
you are met with apathy. you stay because you can't believe that after everything, he just doesn't give a crap.

it is a trap dipped in a catch-22 with fly paper sauce. it is horrible perfection, like swimming with a love shark that devours your affection without tasting it and moves immediately onto the next delicious surfer.

if you feel twinges of anger, my guess is you've repressed it into a tiny diamond in the center of your stomach because you are afraid that you might start screaming and not be able to stop. i feel twinges of anger when my bag of potato chips isn't filled to the tippy-top when i open it. what you are experiencing is the snooze alarm, annoyingly reminding you that stuff doesn't disappear if you don't deal with it, it just takes a nap.

my anger at my ex burned me from the inside out so badly i could cut through walls with laser beams shooting out of my eyes. anger becomes lava in your veins and honestly, it's sweaty. let it out. yell it out. write it out. don't be afraid of it, it is jet fuel to propel you away and motivation to take back your power. you are stronger than it is, look at how much you've endured and how far you've come. focus on channeling it out of you and your healing with be faster and your tears less frequent.

This is wonderful, wonderful advice. For the mid month pay on the 15th, I am going to stick it out, for sure. I will expect to get paid on the 18th rather than the 15th and I will plan for it. He KNOWS not to be late. He never has been, so deep breath. He is not going to control me next time with this anymore.

Freedom to be angry? Encouragement to be angry? Okay to be angry? My rage scares me! You are so descriptive, vernacular, I love it. That is EXACTLY what I feel. He said to me yesterday that he "didn't know what the future held for us and he couldn't promise anything but he would try to be nicer". I had no real response. Sniffle? This later turned to real fury. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I don't want to rage at him anymore. I have done that only to be met with "It is okay, sweetie. I know you well enough to recognize PMS" ARGH

You know what he needs? He needs desperately a taste of his own medicine. No Contact. No contact. I really want to take the upper hand and control this non relationship.

I already scream a lot. Usually it is screaming for out of grief. The unbearable sadness of it all. I need to channel that anger into my screaming sessions. ha.

Shannon I had a lot of stuffed rage also. It also terrified me, especially after seeing my ex's violent, aggressive rages, seeing what being out of control looked like. I HATE out of control. But do you know what helped my anxiety more than ANYTHING else I tried (and I tried a lot of things)? Getting that rage out. And it wasn't nearly as scary as I thought-it actually felt good and it never did get out of control like I feared, I could direct it, I could shut it off for a time if needed. But I no longer FEARED it, I no long JUDGED it-I accepted it. I welcomed it-I just made that decision inside to do that and it changed the game. I don't know the psychological mechanisms behind that-I only know that it worked. I still have some anger, not as much as I used to. But it doesn't burn so white hot. And anxiety SUCKS! I am SOOOOO grateful I am not having the same level of anxiety and panic attacks like I used to.

You guys surely do make it sound like no contact works and life can get better.

I feel like I am drowning in sorrow and anger.

Today I am drowning sorrow. I feel sick to my stomach. It is a terrible feeling. I hope it turns out better for us like it does for them. I hope.

Sending hugs. NC is the best way, so so hard early on but better in the big picture. Tonight I started to feel weak, thoughts going to considering contacting him, I know it's the holidays and that it's a natural feeling but I am continuing to fight the urge. I remind myself the outcome will not be what I hope for, I remind myself how he probably would respond and that I'm in a much better place than I was a year ago and definitely better than two years ago.

I hope all of you are doing ok tonight, focus on your strengths and your positive traits. Here's to a new start, a new year! Take good care

Happy New Year my favorite peeps in the world.

Today is a new year and a new day. I love what was said in an earlier post.

" It is amazing what you can do for yourself when you decide that the "now" does not have to be attached to the past. You can make what comes next something completely different than the pattern you have known all along. Starting over is the best place from which to heal and make your life better."

These are WONDERFUL words.