Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Hi there, I could use some support right now and I thought I would share my story of what has happened. I'm sharing in hopes that I can further see clearly and maybe receive some support in me leaving. This is going to be a bit sporadic because so much has happened. I'm a 27-year-old female.
I have been in an abusive relationship with my current boyfriend for almost 3 years. When we first got together, we met at a park. I truly felt divinely called to go to the park that day and he also skipped work for the first time in a while that day. I broke up with a long-term boyfriend before we met at the park. It was a very sudden thing, us meeting..
Everything felt like magic between us. We were interested in all of the same topics (health, spirituality, religion, animals, and more) and I thought I may have found my soulmate. I found him very handsome, muscles, mixed skin, and I loved everything about him, even his little moles on his face. He was fun! Loved nature, hiking, camping, working out. It was just perfect, I thought.
For the first 3 months, everything was kind of perfect, as most relationships are in the honeymoon phase. We loved going to the beach with our dogs, spending time with his friends (I didn't have friends as I moved from my hometown). I worked as a live-in nanny and we saw one another 3 days per week the first year. I was in school and studying the rest of the time. We had some communication issues that first year, but the first year still had its problems.
I noticed the red flags within the first 6 months, right around the 6 month mark.
Red Flags:
-He would hit something when he was upset. So, if he was frustrated, he would hit the car steering wheel or kick something. I never witnessed this behavior in any of my other relationships (which were ALL very healthy and one of my exes is still my best friend). I figured he needed help regulating his emotions. I was doing my best to try to help him, but not too much really worked.
-I noticed while on his computer (I wasn't sneaking then), he looked at tons of local craigslist ADS in the sex section. I calmly asked him what it was about and he apologized and said he wouldn't do it again. He seemed very ashamed and I was very supportive of him and understanding.
-He just kept looking at Craigslist. He wouldn't stop. I even found that he messaged girls on there, which was extremely hurtful. I am totally fine with him watching porn, but due to him messaging other people on Craigslist it was very emotionally difficult for me.
Overtime, I lost my trust in him. He kept lying to me. Why was Craigslist so important and why was he always so secretive? Later on, he tells me he feels he is bisexual and that is the reason why he looks at Craigslist. I know that it isn't the only reason, but it was part of it I'm sure. I am a VERY understanding and supportive person and I told him that's great he's bisexual. I even allowed me to meet another man while texting me so that they could talk about feelings and understanding that part of himself. I know from a deep down place he didn't do anything with this man. I have very good intuition. I do support my partners in their spiritual journey, or at least I try my best.
I'm not sure when the physical abuse started. It may have started with me girly hitting him because I felt so helpless and hurt nearly all the time from him lying. I have never hit him trying to hurt him. It was always out of pure despair in my feelings, but I accept responsibility for my actions. After he kept lying (and I even got him to sign a contract saying if he lied to me, got on craigslist, etc. it would be over). He broke it and I stayed. I started checking his emails, I found ways to view his history that he didn't know about, and I was worried he would cheat on me. I've never been cheated on before and I just knew I would breakdown. I love him so much! Why was he doing this to me? I kept finding stuff he was looking up and it just kept hurting me over and over and over again.
Overtime he has slammed me against walls, broken my things (these past few months+ he has broken our closet door, a mop, many glass things, smashed our moped glass when the moped wasn't working) and I have had many bruises on my body over the past 2 years. I have a huge brush on my arm right now from our last incident.
This week's incident:
This might seem petty, but I have these gum drops since I am having tooth gum issues. I bought him tea tree oil for tooth brushing and I asked that he just not use mine. Why can't I have one thing I don't share? I share everything with him. In fact, he is not working from now so I am paying for everything for us and our dogs. I woke up with a grumpy tone in my voice because it bothered me he could not respect my things and my wishes. This was the 3rd time recently I've asked him not to use something of mine. He told me it was my responsibility to tell him where I move it. I told him all he had to do was ask me (it was in the same place it usually was). Our tension escalated between us and he said he didn't like how I was treating him. He wanted to be mad at me for something he agreed not to do. Why couldn't he just say sorry? He kept ignoring me and I found it very hurtful.
I then reverted back to a behavior I did when he was lying to me about Craigslist. I grabbed his computer, but not harshly. I moved it. I just wanted him to listen to me. This was a wrong thing for me to do. His computer has hardly been working lately and turned off the other day. After I did that, his computer wasn't starting. He blamed it on me. It could have been my fault and I accepted responsibility and cried for 2 hours about it feeling terrible. His computer is fine now, by the way.
Later that night he asked me why I just can't be happy. I told him I'm trying to be happy, but that I am emotionally drained. I tried to explain it by telling him I feel like someone died. Just so drained like that.
We then got into an argument about that! I grabbed a joint he rolled out of his pocket so I could leave and smoke. He was going to roll another one for me and just let me cry there instead of just giving me the other one. Things were escalating and I wanted to get away and relax. Wrong move! He told me I attacked him (I didn't do that at all). He slammed me against the wall and scared me. I was crying a lot. Obviously I am not in the right here either, but i don't deserve to be attacked and screamed at for that.
The next day I felt even worse. He bruised up my arm and attacked me because I was crying (I was crying hysterically) and he couldn't handle my tears. I told him I felt like I wanted to die, that I don't, but that is how I feel. I felt so low and I was just needing some support. He told me I was emotionally abusing him, called me a baby, among many other terrible things when I was crying, in which soon after he got angry at me because I wouldn't calm down... he stated he wanted to kill me (muttering under his breath) while looking enraged. He acted like he wanted to choke me. I was terrified of him the most ever.. He grabbed me and I tried running away. I needed to call my best friend so I came back inside for the phone. When I told him of my bruise and cut on my hand that he did, he told me, "Oh, sorry I was just trying to keep you from falling." Then when I came back to retrieve the charger for the phone, he acted as though I was the crazy one....It felt SO SCARRING. I felt so low and he was kicking me while I was down with his words. His words are brutal and he is a very strong man and also knows martial arts.
He told told me last week, "Only a woman can make a man want to hit her. Only a woman can make a man go crazy."
Yesterday, I called my mom crying and afterwards he was trying to comfort me at a weak point. He told me that if we don't have sex that makes people move apart from one another. I told him I don't want to have sex. He said I should think about why I don't. I told him, "I know why I don't want to have sex, it's because I've been abused and hurt. I can't even feel down there right now." He wasn't caring about me, he was selfishly thinking of himself.
Small things like this happen: Last night we were playing a card game. I put a black 10 down first and then a red 10. I didn't know I couldn't change my mind because my turn wasn't over. He didn't see I put a black 10 down first and told me to put the red 10 down according to the rules. I told him I didn't know the rules of the game and I should put down the card I put down first, which was what he was telling me to do the whole time and it was the Black 10. He didn't like that I was doing well at the game I think, and he took all the cards away and told me I was stubborn and no fun to play with.
My boyfriend, soon-to-be ex, has had a very hard family life. His mother is a drug addict. I met her once when she was on drugs. It was not pretty. He was abandoned on and off by his mother. His older brother, who he is now on good terms with, used to beat him up and he never fought his brother back. He has a good father. He witnessed violence as a child from his mother, not knowing drugs were the cause of her behavior at that time. His grandma, who I grew to love, recently passed these past 4 months ago.
I really felt for his past. I loved his family. I've been reading so many books on emotional and physical abuse. I would have never started reading those books if he didn't say I was an emotional abuser and manipulator.
I'm starting to see that I'm not the crazy one. I now have developed habits I would have never thought possible in myself. He rarely takes responsibility for his actions, doesn't want therapy, says I'm the love of his life, but he cannot be there for me. He just hurts me. I want kids someday.
Last night he was there when I was having a spiritual breakdown. I appreciated that he held my hand and supportive me. I appreciated that he cared enough in that moment.
I'm working on getting out of this relationship. My parents originally helped me out before and I broke up with him once, but he promised he would change and sent me flowers. I tried again and it has been worse.
I am terrified of what to do with my life. I have no direction. All of my plans revolve around him. I'm worried he may break my things when I leave. I know I will be better after this, but it feels SO HARD. I feel like I've wasted so much energy on someone's potential. He does have a good spirit and soul. He loves our dogs and treats them well. I only wish he had the emotional capacity to love me and treat me well. I think his past has haunted him and he is, at this time, unwilling to change to accept responsibility. Almost anytime anything happens, he blames it on me. He breaks a glass, it's because I put it too far on the counter. It's not because he should be more aware of his environment and it could also be his fault, too.
I've read 5 books on emotional and physical abuse this week and a half. Without those books, I am not sure if I would be writing this and reaching out to my family as much.
I want out, but I am terrified of facing my own life again. I've totally lost my identity. I really don't know how I am. I know I love yoga, my dogs, dancing, and my friends that are so far away.
The books that have really helped me lately were by Nora Femenia on Kindle. I highly recommend them because they are written if you're in an abusive relationship, too. Her words are very healing and I feel a spiritual connection to what she is saying in my life. I think I can do this now. I still have my doubts....
I know this sounds scattered. I know some of these things are ridiculous. I'm tried of doubting my memory and feeling crazy. I am not sure if I will be normal again after this.
My best friend, who used to be my ex, has really helped me. He told me, "A, you're not a sad person. I've known you for 8 years. You're not an emotional abuser. That is ridiculous. You were a good and supportive girlfriend. You're not crazy at all. I've dated some girls who were a little like that, but you are not that. You bring joy to people, that is who you are."
It's so important to have friends who remember who you are, rather than your abuser making your self-esteem so low that you doubt everything, even your sanity. I'm at my lowest I've ever been in my life. I'm trying to learn this life lesson as to why I'm in this abusive relationship. I have to reclaim my life again. I have no idea what it will look like. I am so scared to be alone, but I know I deserve love.
I have been in an abusive relationship with my current boyfriend for almost 3 years. When we first got together, we met at a park. I truly felt divinely called to go to the park that day and he also skipped work for the first time in a while that day. I broke up with a long-term boyfriend before we met at the park. It was a very sudden thing, us meeting..
Everything felt like magic between us. We were interested in all of the same topics (health, spirituality, religion, animals, and more) and I thought I may have found my soulmate. I found him very handsome, muscles, mixed skin, and I loved everything about him, even his little moles on his face. He was fun! Loved nature, hiking, camping, working out. It was just perfect, I thought.
For the first 3 months, everything was kind of perfect, as most relationships are in the honeymoon phase. We loved going to the beach with our dogs, spending time with his friends (I didn't have friends as I moved from my hometown). I worked as a live-in nanny and we saw one another 3 days per week the first year. I was in school and studying the rest of the time. We had some communication issues that first year, but the first year still had its problems.
I noticed the red flags within the first 6 months, right around the 6 month mark.
Red Flags:
-He would hit something when he was upset. So, if he was frustrated, he would hit the car steering wheel or kick something. I never witnessed this behavior in any of my other relationships (which were ALL very healthy and one of my exes is still my best friend). I figured he needed help regulating his emotions. I was doing my best to try to help him, but not too much really worked.
-I noticed while on his computer (I wasn't sneaking then), he looked at tons of local craigslist ADS in the sex section. I calmly asked him what it was about and he apologized and said he wouldn't do it again. He seemed very ashamed and I was very supportive of him and understanding.
-He just kept looking at Craigslist. He wouldn't stop. I even found that he messaged girls on there, which was extremely hurtful. I am totally fine with him watching porn, but due to him messaging other people on Craigslist it was very emotionally difficult for me.
Overtime, I lost my trust in him. He kept lying to me. Why was Craigslist so important and why was he always so secretive? Later on, he tells me he feels he is bisexual and that is the reason why he looks at Craigslist. I know that it isn't the only reason, but it was part of it I'm sure. I am a VERY understanding and supportive person and I told him that's great he's bisexual. I even allowed me to meet another man while texting me so that they could talk about feelings and understanding that part of himself. I know from a deep down place he didn't do anything with this man. I have very good intuition. I do support my partners in their spiritual journey, or at least I try my best.
I'm not sure when the physical abuse started. It may have started with me girly hitting him because I felt so helpless and hurt nearly all the time from him lying. I have never hit him trying to hurt him. It was always out of pure despair in my feelings, but I accept responsibility for my actions. After he kept lying (and I even got him to sign a contract saying if he lied to me, got on craigslist, etc. it would be over). He broke it and I stayed. I started checking his emails, I found ways to view his history that he didn't know about, and I was worried he would cheat on me. I've never been cheated on before and I just knew I would breakdown. I love him so much! Why was he doing this to me? I kept finding stuff he was looking up and it just kept hurting me over and over and over again.
Overtime he has slammed me against walls, broken my things (these past few months+ he has broken our closet door, a mop, many glass things, smashed our moped glass when the moped wasn't working) and I have had many bruises on my body over the past 2 years. I have a huge brush on my arm right now from our last incident.
This week's incident:
This might seem petty, but I have these gum drops since I am having tooth gum issues. I bought him tea tree oil for tooth brushing and I asked that he just not use mine. Why can't I have one thing I don't share? I share everything with him. In fact, he is not working from now so I am paying for everything for us and our dogs. I woke up with a grumpy tone in my voice because it bothered me he could not respect my things and my wishes. This was the 3rd time recently I've asked him not to use something of mine. He told me it was my responsibility to tell him where I move it. I told him all he had to do was ask me (it was in the same place it usually was). Our tension escalated between us and he said he didn't like how I was treating him. He wanted to be mad at me for something he agreed not to do. Why couldn't he just say sorry? He kept ignoring me and I found it very hurtful.
I then reverted back to a behavior I did when he was lying to me about Craigslist. I grabbed his computer, but not harshly. I moved it. I just wanted him to listen to me. This was a wrong thing for me to do. His computer has hardly been working lately and turned off the other day. After I did that, his computer wasn't starting. He blamed it on me. It could have been my fault and I accepted responsibility and cried for 2 hours about it feeling terrible. His computer is fine now, by the way.
Later that night he asked me why I just can't be happy. I told him I'm trying to be happy, but that I am emotionally drained. I tried to explain it by telling him I feel like someone died. Just so drained like that.
We then got into an argument about that! I grabbed a joint he rolled out of his pocket so I could leave and smoke. He was going to roll another one for me and just let me cry there instead of just giving me the other one. Things were escalating and I wanted to get away and relax. Wrong move! He told me I attacked him (I didn't do that at all). He slammed me against the wall and scared me. I was crying a lot. Obviously I am not in the right here either, but i don't deserve to be attacked and screamed at for that.
The next day I felt even worse. He bruised up my arm and attacked me because I was crying (I was crying hysterically) and he couldn't handle my tears. I told him I felt like I wanted to die, that I don't, but that is how I feel. I felt so low and I was just needing some support. He told me I was emotionally abusing him, called me a baby, among many other terrible things when I was crying, in which soon after he got angry at me because I wouldn't calm down... he stated he wanted to kill me (muttering under his breath) while looking enraged. He acted like he wanted to choke me. I was terrified of him the most ever.. He grabbed me and I tried running away. I needed to call my best friend so I came back inside for the phone. When I told him of my bruise and cut on my hand that he did, he told me, "Oh, sorry I was just trying to keep you from falling." Then when I came back to retrieve the charger for the phone, he acted as though I was the crazy one....It felt SO SCARRING. I felt so low and he was kicking me while I was down with his words. His words are brutal and he is a very strong man and also knows martial arts.
He told told me last week, "Only a woman can make a man want to hit her. Only a woman can make a man go crazy."
Yesterday, I called my mom crying and afterwards he was trying to comfort me at a weak point. He told me that if we don't have sex that makes people move apart from one another. I told him I don't want to have sex. He said I should think about why I don't. I told him, "I know why I don't want to have sex, it's because I've been abused and hurt. I can't even feel down there right now." He wasn't caring about me, he was selfishly thinking of himself.
Small things like this happen: Last night we were playing a card game. I put a black 10 down first and then a red 10. I didn't know I couldn't change my mind because my turn wasn't over. He didn't see I put a black 10 down first and told me to put the red 10 down according to the rules. I told him I didn't know the rules of the game and I should put down the card I put down first, which was what he was telling me to do the whole time and it was the Black 10. He didn't like that I was doing well at the game I think, and he took all the cards away and told me I was stubborn and no fun to play with.
My boyfriend, soon-to-be ex, has had a very hard family life. His mother is a drug addict. I met her once when she was on drugs. It was not pretty. He was abandoned on and off by his mother. His older brother, who he is now on good terms with, used to beat him up and he never fought his brother back. He has a good father. He witnessed violence as a child from his mother, not knowing drugs were the cause of her behavior at that time. His grandma, who I grew to love, recently passed these past 4 months ago.
I really felt for his past. I loved his family. I've been reading so many books on emotional and physical abuse. I would have never started reading those books if he didn't say I was an emotional abuser and manipulator.
I'm starting to see that I'm not the crazy one. I now have developed habits I would have never thought possible in myself. He rarely takes responsibility for his actions, doesn't want therapy, says I'm the love of his life, but he cannot be there for me. He just hurts me. I want kids someday.
Last night he was there when I was having a spiritual breakdown. I appreciated that he held my hand and supportive me. I appreciated that he cared enough in that moment.
I'm working on getting out of this relationship. My parents originally helped me out before and I broke up with him once, but he promised he would change and sent me flowers. I tried again and it has been worse.
I am terrified of what to do with my life. I have no direction. All of my plans revolve around him. I'm worried he may break my things when I leave. I know I will be better after this, but it feels SO HARD. I feel like I've wasted so much energy on someone's potential. He does have a good spirit and soul. He loves our dogs and treats them well. I only wish he had the emotional capacity to love me and treat me well. I think his past has haunted him and he is, at this time, unwilling to change to accept responsibility. Almost anytime anything happens, he blames it on me. He breaks a glass, it's because I put it too far on the counter. It's not because he should be more aware of his environment and it could also be his fault, too.
I've read 5 books on emotional and physical abuse this week and a half. Without those books, I am not sure if I would be writing this and reaching out to my family as much.
I want out, but I am terrified of facing my own life again. I've totally lost my identity. I really don't know how I am. I know I love yoga, my dogs, dancing, and my friends that are so far away.
The books that have really helped me lately were by Nora Femenia on Kindle. I highly recommend them because they are written if you're in an abusive relationship, too. Her words are very healing and I feel a spiritual connection to what she is saying in my life. I think I can do this now. I still have my doubts....
I know this sounds scattered. I know some of these things are ridiculous. I'm tried of doubting my memory and feeling crazy. I am not sure if I will be normal again after this.
My best friend, who used to be my ex, has really helped me. He told me, "A, you're not a sad person. I've known you for 8 years. You're not an emotional abuser. That is ridiculous. You were a good and supportive girlfriend. You're not crazy at all. I've dated some girls who were a little like that, but you are not that. You bring joy to people, that is who you are."
It's so important to have friends who remember who you are, rather than your abuser making your self-esteem so low that you doubt everything, even your sanity. I'm at my lowest I've ever been in my life. I'm trying to learn this life lesson as to why I'm in this abusive relationship. I have to reclaim my life again. I have no idea what it will look like. I am so scared to be alone, but I know I deserve love.
There is a thing called "trauma bonding" that explains why you feel trapped, that you will have no identity away from this piece of shit guy and so on. Trust me, he's been making you hide away the BEST PARTS of you. Once you get away from that brainwashing, good cop/bad cop deliberate disorientation bullshit, you'll rediscover the person you were SUPPOSED to be in no time flat.
You can get a 72 hour eviction from the property order for domestic abuse in most states. that'll give you time to pack so you wont have to worry about YOUR stuff getting broken. Usually its a better idea for the abused person to move out, so the abuser doesn't know where they are anyways.
If you don't know who to call to start getting help, these folks will get you pointed the right way.
http://www.thehotline.org
This reminds me of something in "Why Does He Do That?" Where he says that abusers don't lose control of their anger, they TAKE control of their anger. Totally true!
Sounds like you have a lot of good resources to help you-that's great! I second calling the hotline-that's how I got started. Great resource.
Also, make a really conscious effort not to put yourself down. He's done enough of that, you don't need to do it to yourself. Your post was not "scattered" or "ridiculous". You spent a lot of time in your post taking responsibility for what you see as your part in all this, but the truest part is that, no matter what you may have done wrong (objectively or just in his eyes) you never deserved his abuse. We all have done things we regret, those of us in abusive relationships have done things that are out of character because of the constant pressure and frustration. It's fine that you own those things, but make certain you are in no way minimising HIS choices and his abuse of you. Go easy on yourself, forgive yourself those times you feel you could have or should have acted (or reacted) differently. And know that they do not define you.
As for finding yourself ... I used to liken leaving my abusive relationship to having a house burn down, leaving only the facade. It was traumatic, distressing and terrifying. But it allowed me to rebuild however I wanted - recreating some things that had been there before, making some completely new aspects of me. And because of it, I think I am now more authentically me than I have ever been in my life. I also felt like I had to start from scratch, but that meant I could not only rid myself of the parts of my personality that he chose for me, but also those that my parents and others had chosen for me.
Keep reaching out, stay true to yourself and take good care of yourself.
I hear a lot in your post. I hear someone who needs validation, who intellectually knows these things are wrong but is still confused and raw, and it hasn't quite reached the emotional part of you that this is going on-that you are a victim of abuse. YOU ARE. And, ITS NOT YOUR FAULT. In my mind there is a big difference between someone who behaves in ways uncharacteristic of themselves, who does things they are not proud of because of a ton of repressed feelings they are not able and allowed to deal with, and the primary abuser. A HUGE difference. An abuser is a personality type, there is something fundamentally wrong with how they relate to others. Everything is about power and control-the rest is just subterfuge-and nothing you could do or not do can change that.
When I was first married and examining our problems I thought we had communication problems too. We didn't-we had abuse problems. Abuse is not about communication, and communicating better doesn't solve the issues. The better we "communicated" the more clear it was to me what lay underneath, and the more hopeless I became because what lay underneath never got resolved.
His breaking things and hitting and kicking things, from the beginning to now, I would bet dollars to donuts has very little do with frustration and everything do to with intimidation of you. I am willing to bet these were fights where you were being assertive about your feelings, your perspective, your needs-not problems at work, or bad traffic or because his team lost. I would bet he doesn't fly off the handle at work, or with friends like this. This means HE CONTROLS THIS. And it's meant just for you, hon-to get you to shut the heck up and scare you into submission. The physical abuse that came later just solidifies this. And it was likely to have escalated to physical abuse no matter what you did or didn't do if it met his goals.
Please don't give him a pass as someone who can't handle their frustration-this is a calculated, systematic abuse tactic. It is symbolic violence, meant to send a message that THIS is what he would like to do to you and MIGHT if he lost control so you better just get in line. This is why nothing worked to stop it and nothing you do ever will-he gets something out of it-power and control. He doesn't want to stop and give that up.
I hear boundary violation after boundary violation, you create a boundary, he walks all over it and makes every excuse in the book as to why he did it. He takes no responsibility for it. His comforting of you-is when he realizes he may have taken things too far-it's hoovering you back in-hasn't he already demonstrated his lack of empathy by calling you a baby when you cried? People do-not-do-that to people they love. He knows what your kind, forgiving heart needs to hear and he gives it to you. You are being manipulated by a master manipulator. It's just a way to avoid responsibility. Lots of people get frustrated, lots of people had really crappy childhoods, lots of people are conflicted in their sexuality-they don't use it as an excuse to walk all over other people's boundaries. That is a bunch of crap.
Also, don't give him a pass for not cheating on you when every time he obsesses over this porn, every time he sneaks around and lies, knowing how you feel about this and how it makes you feel-this is a boundary violation not that much different than infidelity which is just another kind of boundary violation. It may not feel quite as intense as infidelity-but it's a constant and pervasive, which makes the behavior very damaging in a different way.
This physical abuse is inexcusable and very, very, dangerous. You are in serious physical danger in addition to serious psychological danger. But psychological danger can be recovered from, some types of physical danger are more permanent. This is deadly serious, please consider this.
You do not deserve ANY OF THIS. Not the name calling, the manipulation, the ignoring of your boundaries and feelings, the violence, the sexual coercion and I suspect that has gone on a lot (what a great tactic for him, its both victim blaming and trying to pressure you into sex at the same time-he is a piece of work all right) none of it!!! He does not take responsibility, and he will not and nothing you can do can make him.
Number one step in feeling like yourself again, rebuilding your life, finding happiness-is to get safe from this relationship. Even if it's one step at a time. It is too confusing, to emotionally draining, to physically threatening-you are in survival mode right now. Once you are out you will go into healing mode and start a whole new journey.
You need anything we are always here w/o judgement because we've been where you are. Please stay safe!