Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I left my abusive ex three years ago and about 6 months ago went NC with my abusive mother. It hasn't always been easy, but I know it was the right decision.
A week or so ago my mother did something really hurtful to try and capture my attention. I was upset about it, and I was sitting in my living room feeling this really icky, overwhelming mix of grief, anger, and shame.
All of a sudden I realized that those emotions were very familiar. With surprise I remembered that I used to feel just like that EVERY DAY, all the time. For as long as I can remember, even as a little girl. That awful feeling was my normal. That's just what I thought life felt like. This realization came coupled with the very joyful understanding that I hadn't felt like that in months. I have felt peaceful, happy, sometimes stressed or frustrated but overall content... in a word, NORMAL.
I wanted to share this because sometimes we grow so slowly that we don't even realize it's happening. Don't get frustrated and give up. You do NOT deserve to feel those awful feelings. Keep processing, keeping caring for yourself. If people are hurting you, they have no place in your life.
I wish all of us at any stage of this journey the best. *hugs*
A week or so ago my mother did something really hurtful to try and capture my attention. I was upset about it, and I was sitting in my living room feeling this really icky, overwhelming mix of grief, anger, and shame.
All of a sudden I realized that those emotions were very familiar. With surprise I remembered that I used to feel just like that EVERY DAY, all the time. For as long as I can remember, even as a little girl. That awful feeling was my normal. That's just what I thought life felt like. This realization came coupled with the very joyful understanding that I hadn't felt like that in months. I have felt peaceful, happy, sometimes stressed or frustrated but overall content... in a word, NORMAL.
I wanted to share this because sometimes we grow so slowly that we don't even realize it's happening. Don't get frustrated and give up. You do NOT deserve to feel those awful feelings. Keep processing, keeping caring for yourself. If people are hurting you, they have no place in your life.
I wish all of us at any stage of this journey the best. *hugs*
This is from " The Four Agreements Companion Guide" page 95....
Whoever crosses you becomes the best mirror, the best way for you to measure your own evolution.
You don't know how well you are doing before you have the challenge. You can think you are doing well, you can go to an ashram and stay there for five years. You feel very good about yourself, but then someone comes and crosses you, and boom! you need another five years in that ashram.
In my opinion, we aren't "doing well" we aren't "healed" unless we are in situations where people are going against us and we are still happy, we can even be all right with that person.( not saying we want to share our lives and hang out with them 24/7)
It requires changing perceptions and looking at things in a totally different way.. letting go of agreements about how things "should" be....
Like the quote.. " He who angers you, controls you"
Now of course we are all free to stay away from people when we do not enjoy their company,
But we aren't really "healed" as long as being around them fills us with really bad feelings.
To be human is to hurt each other, some people, true, are more hurtful than others.... but if we can reach a place where even the biggest stinkers in the world can't get to us, we still remain in a good place because we realize they hold no power over us, to me, that is the most desirable place.
But I'll never discount that first time I felt...okay. It was a revelation. It was strange, awesome. I enjoyed it to the max. Life doesn't always give us tomorrows so I was going to milk every last second out of the feeling. (Like loving the first minutes with my kids...this is great. There will be diapers tomorrow, but for now...this is enough.)
Yeah, I came back down to Earth. And I've written before, that it scared the heck out of me. What WAS I going to feel if it wasn't horrible 24/7?
And yes, there was going through similar situations...and I agree that that's the best indication of solid healing.
But I also learned a really important lesson, about not looking too far down the road to bridges and challenges that aren't here yet. Honestly, that would have immobilized me. Five minutes a day...every day...even when I didn't want to...especially when I didn't want to.
I also learned that when others see me as "stuck" it doesn't always mean that I am stuck. Sometimes a lot of healing is going on down under the surface...stuff that just takes time.
IDK, just my take on it.
I don't think we need to expose ourselves to toxic people just so we can reach a point of not being hurt by what they are saying and doing.
Just like we all aren't Navy Seals or great Warriors going into battle, I get it's very much easier to just avoid painful things.
BUT.... if we can get just a little AWARENESS that it isn't PERSONAL!
The way the stinkers are acting has NOTHING to do with us personally, then we can slowly let go of the hurt feelings and the pain we say they are causing us, because would we feel hurt if a LION snatched our hamburger away from us at lunchtime, or would we just know that is a Lion doing what a lion does.. so there is no need to take it personally and feel like we are devalued ...When a stinker does things that we THINK are making us feel bad about ourselves... we have the awareness that we are in charge of the way we perceive it.
When I was a young girl I recall hearing people say ... " I see how you are" when met with another person's bad attitude.. that always made me laugh.
Now I see far too many people ( think all the bullied kids killing themselves when their classmates are mean to them) We as a society are no longer thinking... " I see how you are".... We are thinking.. " Oh my gosh, mean people told me I am poop, so I will cut myself, and maybe kill myself, cause I'm believing what they say... so now I feel horrible.
Where is that true knowledge that we used to have back in the day?? When we saw people be mean and rotten we KNEW it was THEM. We kept our power .. Now far too many people REACT to bullies and mean people by making the bully happy and destroying ourselves for them.
an example.. "Oh my husband calls me names, now I am sad and I will stay in bed and cry all day" WTF..... Don't let mean people make you believe what they are saying is true,
Tell them..
" I see how you are" put the blame where the blame belongs. On the one taking the action of being a stinker!!
ok... rant over! lol
***and let Calculus wait until tomorrow***
I remember my firsts:
the first time after I left that I felt true peace & calm in my own home.
the first time I realized that I hadn't thought about him for an entire day.
the day I missed noting our anniversary. It was several days past before I even realized it.
the first time I realized that I was using his words to continue to beat myself up and that I saw myself the way he saw me.
I do think healing is a process. And it takes a long long time to heal from abuse, especially when we have lived with it all of our lives.
I haven't reached complete healing by any means, but I am very grateful that I am much better than I was.
And I agree that if people are hurting you, they have no place in your life. I liken in to seeing a door marked "plague." Would I walk thru it? Nope.
Part of my healing path is knowing my limits. So I'm not going to knowingly expose myself to certain toxic people until I know I've healed certain triggers. I know that the longer/more I'm re-exposed to toxicity, the the easier it is to fall back into old patterns. So I listen to my inner knowing. That's a huge part of self-care.
Keep doin' what you're doin' tulip, you ROCK!