Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I'm at a loss. This morning my husband comes to talk again. Pleading, think about the kids, don't throw away the years, etc. then he said but IF things go in another direction can we please promise to be fair to each other financially. So I went w it. We talked about money and how things would be split. I actually felt a little relieved that the Convo headed in that direction. Throughout the day he called me twice! Kept me on the phone about 20 min each time. Carrying on about us trying, talked about all we went thru, the kids - I shld think about them, don't let them come from a broken home, etc. both convos were brutal but I had to hang up bc I was swamped w work bc I'm taking off all next week ... And I'm still sick!
Tonite he stayed upstairs to watch tv w me after the kids fell asleep. He asked if I wanted space he'd go down. At first I felt bad so I said he cld stay. But then he eventually went down to bed. Came up 10 min later to ask me a question....
He said he saw on my computer Cheaters Anonymous n asked if I was having an affair?! I said I am NOT having an affair. I had to explain about the website. I said DS is a support group site on relationships - that's what I read. I stumbled on an article on CA and just read it. He accepted that. Kept asking if I was mad he asked, wldnt I ask him the same thing, etc. then he went back down to bed.
I'm sitting here SO mad that I didn't remember to delete my history on my work computer! And my mind is racing bc if he saw that site he had to have seen the physical and emotional abuse site - but he never mentioned that. The only reason I still visit that site is because Isde some good friends over there. But I can't say all this to him!
So now I'm thinking, he's convinced that I'm having an affair.
My question, do I address this again tmr? That I am not having an affair. I am on the relationship support group. It's how I feel. And a few friends I've made on this site were dealing w infidelity and when I read their posts it takes me to that site.
Thoughts??
Tonite he stayed upstairs to watch tv w me after the kids fell asleep. He asked if I wanted space he'd go down. At first I felt bad so I said he cld stay. But then he eventually went down to bed. Came up 10 min later to ask me a question....
He said he saw on my computer Cheaters Anonymous n asked if I was having an affair?! I said I am NOT having an affair. I had to explain about the website. I said DS is a support group site on relationships - that's what I read. I stumbled on an article on CA and just read it. He accepted that. Kept asking if I was mad he asked, wldnt I ask him the same thing, etc. then he went back down to bed.
I'm sitting here SO mad that I didn't remember to delete my history on my work computer! And my mind is racing bc if he saw that site he had to have seen the physical and emotional abuse site - but he never mentioned that. The only reason I still visit that site is because Isde some good friends over there. But I can't say all this to him!
So now I'm thinking, he's convinced that I'm having an affair.
My question, do I address this again tmr? That I am not having an affair. I am on the relationship support group. It's how I feel. And a few friends I've made on this site were dealing w infidelity and when I read their posts it takes me to that site.
Thoughts??
OK, my advice (cos I've done and managed to get away with looking at sites that mentioned abuse, etc.) is not to mention it again. So you were reading something. No big deal! Clicking links can get you to all kinds of weird and wonderful places.
The more casual you are, the less he will pursue it. The trouble with telling him all is that could lead to him wanting to know your username, what your posts are about, etc.
Deal with the immediate threat only. Since there is no proof that he actually has looked at this particular group, assume he hasn't. Feign casualness and even dismissiveness of the site if he keeps asking. But drop the subject yourself.
I am so sorry...I am sure a lot of us have been there, and am only advising this stuff as protection. We shouldn't have to lie like this! But I am worried that the more you assume he knows, that he may NOT actually know, the greater chance that you will blow your cover by overcompensating and give him accidental ammunition.
Stay safe and take care. Hope this helps! xx
I also had something vaguely similar - my ex's mistress found a post I wrote on a site seeking help for partners of alcoholics, and told him so he confronted me about it. (And yes, I'm aware there is SO much that's f'd up about that sentence). He was angry that I was airing his dirty laundry (it was anonymous, but I'd used a name I use elsewhere, which is how she found me - she'd obviously been googling that name).
Pretend you see it as nothing. It's the best defence.
I would tell him - only if he badgers me about it,... Which is his M-O - I will say just that... I was looking for relationship advice etc and it brought me to these other links which popped up and I read thru them - no biggie.
Hugs,
take good care of you
Hugs and warm wishes
He shouldn't be snooping in your privacy but I'm sure he would disagree with that.
As for explaining yourself, well you have done haven't you? If he believes u he does if he doesn't then that's his problem, I realise that sounds harsh but realistically you've told the truth, you've done nothing wrong so why should u feel guilty or be made to feel like you've done anything wrong?
You know your truth and why you've been in that site and this so remember your truth and don't be swayed to explain things that you've already done!
We all know how abusers work, they find things to punish you on, it's yet another ride on the roller coaster, I say this ride, don't join him, truth is you've explained and that's that.
Now, what about his explaination as to why he's going through your history? No wonder he asked if u were upset with him, he knows he has done wrong, but of course the roller coaster ride will take you down the path of "well if u are angry with me then that gives me permission to be angry with you because I can't take responsibility so I will divert the anger back into you anyway!!"
So my advice is to stay true to yourself and get off the ride!
I agree about acting nonchalant but make sure that behind the scenes you go on a deleting spree!
I caught my abuse looking through all my emails, screen shots, docs etc in the middle of the night after he found out I was ending it.
Arbe- sorry for what you went thru - especially that she was a social worker!? You think she would know better...
Hugs,
If I had to do it all over again and go through it I would because I ended up not only seeing the light at the end of the tunnel but standing in the light outside the tunnel, freedom is within everyone's reach and is worth ever effort !