Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I'm feeling the urge to detail some of my faith here. It's only loosely connected to the abuse. This probably isn't even a good forum for this, but I feel I can share things with you all. Please know that while I 100% believe all of this is true, these are my understandings, and intensely private to me. At best, I only hope that some of my words help you in finding your own understandings. It's long, and rich in metaphor, and some people may even get angry with me for sharing it. But that's all I'm trying to do here - share my own understanding and experience. You're welcome to your own, even if it isn't this awesome:)
I believe there is a God. He created the world, and did so looking forward to the fact that I might one day walk upon it. Me. Personally.
In Him, there is nothing bad. There is no evil, no hatred, only good. Justice, Truth, Grace, Mercy, Patience, and Love - perfected and personified. Love so intense that I can only understand brief glimpses, shadows, and metaphors he has provided to help me understand it. Metaphors like Marriage, Family, Love of perfect ideals, friendship. They're all cheap imitations, simple stories told to a kindergarden class to help them understand the truth of His Love. It's the difference between a sticker of a cartoon santa claus and the true meaning of Christmas, as only a few very fortunate people ever get to experience.
He's so amazing, He's descried as being amazing enough that a mere glimpse of Him is enough to inspire kings and angels to burst into spontaneous song praising how wonderful he actually is, and those songs will continue forever - and NEVER GET OLD. There are so many things to say about Him that there is not enough time in the universe to say them all. And this awesome being has looked, and seen me.
He's seen me at my worst. My lowest. My most pitiful, and my proudest. And even in the kindest, most selfless acts I would barely be brave enough to think are still tainted with that selfishness. That wondering 'what am I going to get from this?' He saw me, not as I pretend, not as I imagine, or as I wish - He sees the Truth. And has decided that even as foul and dispicable as I am in comparison to HIm... He wants to forgive me completely, and wrap me in a hug and beg me never to leave Him again. But He won't force me. Won't constrain me. And so time and again, I do wander from His side, and do things that horrify Him. And His only concern is how much I'm hurting myself by not following His advise. He can literally see into not one, but all possible futures, and I'm so wrapped up in the moment and myself that I think I know better than He does.
On that bright and blessed, day, the scripture says the veils will be lifted, and the scales will fall from our eyes. The fog of forgetfulness and misunderstanding will dissipate, and we'll see clearer than ever what each and every moment in our lives truly meant - to us, to those around us, and to God. I picture it like sitting and watching a DVD of our entire life, with subtitles of every thought and motivation that prompted each action. And the knowledge of what the effects, the pain, the costs of each of those actions was. We'll see every ripple of cause and effect we ever touched, and we'll understand it perfectly - without a trace of self-delusion or a rock to hide under in our shame. All with a loving Grandparent, a good preacher, a respected teacher, and a stern judge by our side. Let that sink in for a moment. Would you be able to watch that tape, knowing more than you know now? I know I wouldn't. That's what it means to be a sinner.
There's a problem, though. Sin. That pride, that closing myself off to Him, that not listening to HIm... it's stained me. Perfection can take many forms, but not imperfection. A circle cannot equal 359 degrees. A 30 foot bridge cannot span a 60 foot gap. And I, being imperfect, cannot be with HIm, who is perfect. There it is. Hell. Total separation from God. It cannot be, and it's a rule He cannot change, because to do so would be to totally unmake HImself - and that would doom everyone and everything. Even though it breaks His heart, it is SO.. He's going to have to cut himself off from me forever, and make me miserable, and it's all my fault. If only there were some way he could change it. But He is Life, and separating ourselves from Him must equal death.
So He fixed it. He found a way to take all that shame, and put it upon Himself. That way I so want to find, to take all of the responsibility for the wrong upon myself, fix it, them not need to change, and I don't have to force them into any of it. He found a way.
He became just like me. Grew up wanting cookies, went through puberty, had selfish friends who didn't understand Him at all, was betrayed. He learned what it was to be human. To be hungry. To want power. To want to just MAKE people understand. Anger, and fear, and frustration, and sorrow. He offered perfect proof, and was still doubted. He shared wisdom, and was called a fool. He shared truth, and people called Him a liar. And He did it all, even with an imperfect understanding of what was happening, and what was going to happen next.
Then, one night in a garden, He saw that it was time. He'd known that this day was coming. He knew exactly what was about to happen, although none of His friends listened. He was facing death alone and uncertain. He didn't know if He was going to rise again - He could only believe. He'd been told that He would, and that was good enough for HIm. But He was afraid. He begged 'If there is ANY other way, please, let's do that instead! But if there isn't... then ok. We'll go with your plan.
Then his close friend betrayed Him to His enemies with false crimes and worse - truths and beautiful gifts that were presented as lies and foul garbage. He was laughed at, tortured, beaten, mocked, had the flesh torn from His bones, and then nailed to a cross - the punishment for the lowest of the low, the most filthy, disgusting criminals they could think of. And even then, He was given an extra dose of mockery. They called Him king, gambled for his clothes. He was delerious with pain, blood loss, and exhaustion. And He knew - as surely as I know I have the power to lift a pencil - all he had to do was say one word, and it would all stop. They'd all see the truth. The pain and misery and humiliation would be over. He could do the very thing they taunted Him with - "Step down off the tree! Bring forth squadrons of angels to save you!" But He didn't.
Because He knew that I would be sitting here one day, and I'd have made some very dumb mistakes. MIstakes that would forever separate me from Him. But He loved me enough, that He died there, in shame, and agony, and disgrace, so that I might have the choice of one day being with Him. Even after all of that - He still would not bring Himself to force me to be with HIm. It's my choice, because He loves me, and wants me to choose to love HIm in return. All I have to do in order to do it is say to HIm 'Yeah. I deserve it and more. I'm a horrible person, and I can't fix this. I know I put you through a lot, but will you fix it for me? I can't promise to be perfect, but I want to try.'
Someday, I'll sit and watch that DVD with Him. And there will be two possibilities. Either we see my life as it actually is, and then He turns to me and says 'I'm sorry, but I literally CANNOT be with someone who has committed so many horrible crimes. Look at what you did to the people around you! You see me now, and you know I"m perfect, and as much as I wish I could - you cannot BEGIN to imagine how much I wish this could be any other way, but... I can't be with you.' And I'll spend the rest of eternity, knowing that this perfect enitity saw me for who I was, loved me more than I could imagine... and I had disgusted Him, disappointed Him, and I didn't deserve to be with Him. And I'd never be able to fix that - it was too late. I'd know how much He loved me, and how much I had torn Him apart in my selfishness, and I'd have to live the rest of eternity with that knowledge, never being able to forget or look away from it.
Or, we can watch it, I'll wish I could crawl under a rock and die, He will turn to me with disgust upon His face, and Jesus the Christ -the one who died in my place- will speak up in my defense and say 'All that bad stuff? Already paid for. Don't worry about it. Watch it again, only looking at the stuff that He did because He loved us.' And then He'll turn and say 'Well done, my good and faithful servant.' I picture the giant hug goes right here, with the rest of this muffled as he holds me close to His chest as if He were afraid to let me go. 'I"m so proud of you. Great is your reward - I get to do everything for you I always wanted. Thank you. Thank you. I love you so much, my child. I never want to be apart from you again.' And I spend eternity with my brothers and sisters, seeing clearly how awesome He is, and knowing that He was proud of me. And never losing that feeling, for all of eternity. I know which one I deserve, and which one I want.
The best part? The part that so much of it hinges on? Jesus didn't stay dead. Three days later, He rose in glory so great that simply seeing Him made people glow with amazement for days. He did this for many reasons. One, to prove that He was the messiah that had been fortold about - the promise was that the messiah would die in shame, and return in glory. And He did. Two, to offer the proof that He WAS more powerful than death. Death ISN'T the end. Proof that he found a way to create the 359 degree circle. He CAN do the impossible. And three? Because my sins died with Him. He returned, they didn't. And then He left, and promised to return for me, and that until then, He'd be in heaven, arguing my case for me. And when that bright and glorious day comes... He'll get to be right there by my side. Forever.
There you have it. I know I"m not the only one to believe this to be true, or at least a close variant of it. I've put this together mostly from my own reading and understanding of scripture, with some conversations here and there. If you have any thoughts or improvements, or want to share your own beliefs... please - I'm always looking to refine my own understandings. If you have any questions, I'm happy to answer. If you hope that there is some way that this could possibly be true, because you want it to be, but it's not possible.. Good news. It is true. God is love. And it is through His love that I can share my love for you all. It's not me, it's all Him. It takes a pretty powerful sun to reflect so brightly off a dingy moon like me:) And if hearing me talk about what I see as so encouraging bothers you, go ahead and block me - I won't do it often, but I'll do it again. I only hope that your own understanding offers you as much joy and hope as mine offers me. Have a good night, y'all. I love you all.
I believe there is a God. He created the world, and did so looking forward to the fact that I might one day walk upon it. Me. Personally.
In Him, there is nothing bad. There is no evil, no hatred, only good. Justice, Truth, Grace, Mercy, Patience, and Love - perfected and personified. Love so intense that I can only understand brief glimpses, shadows, and metaphors he has provided to help me understand it. Metaphors like Marriage, Family, Love of perfect ideals, friendship. They're all cheap imitations, simple stories told to a kindergarden class to help them understand the truth of His Love. It's the difference between a sticker of a cartoon santa claus and the true meaning of Christmas, as only a few very fortunate people ever get to experience.
He's so amazing, He's descried as being amazing enough that a mere glimpse of Him is enough to inspire kings and angels to burst into spontaneous song praising how wonderful he actually is, and those songs will continue forever - and NEVER GET OLD. There are so many things to say about Him that there is not enough time in the universe to say them all. And this awesome being has looked, and seen me.
He's seen me at my worst. My lowest. My most pitiful, and my proudest. And even in the kindest, most selfless acts I would barely be brave enough to think are still tainted with that selfishness. That wondering 'what am I going to get from this?' He saw me, not as I pretend, not as I imagine, or as I wish - He sees the Truth. And has decided that even as foul and dispicable as I am in comparison to HIm... He wants to forgive me completely, and wrap me in a hug and beg me never to leave Him again. But He won't force me. Won't constrain me. And so time and again, I do wander from His side, and do things that horrify Him. And His only concern is how much I'm hurting myself by not following His advise. He can literally see into not one, but all possible futures, and I'm so wrapped up in the moment and myself that I think I know better than He does.
On that bright and blessed, day, the scripture says the veils will be lifted, and the scales will fall from our eyes. The fog of forgetfulness and misunderstanding will dissipate, and we'll see clearer than ever what each and every moment in our lives truly meant - to us, to those around us, and to God. I picture it like sitting and watching a DVD of our entire life, with subtitles of every thought and motivation that prompted each action. And the knowledge of what the effects, the pain, the costs of each of those actions was. We'll see every ripple of cause and effect we ever touched, and we'll understand it perfectly - without a trace of self-delusion or a rock to hide under in our shame. All with a loving Grandparent, a good preacher, a respected teacher, and a stern judge by our side. Let that sink in for a moment. Would you be able to watch that tape, knowing more than you know now? I know I wouldn't. That's what it means to be a sinner.
There's a problem, though. Sin. That pride, that closing myself off to Him, that not listening to HIm... it's stained me. Perfection can take many forms, but not imperfection. A circle cannot equal 359 degrees. A 30 foot bridge cannot span a 60 foot gap. And I, being imperfect, cannot be with HIm, who is perfect. There it is. Hell. Total separation from God. It cannot be, and it's a rule He cannot change, because to do so would be to totally unmake HImself - and that would doom everyone and everything. Even though it breaks His heart, it is SO.. He's going to have to cut himself off from me forever, and make me miserable, and it's all my fault. If only there were some way he could change it. But He is Life, and separating ourselves from Him must equal death.
So He fixed it. He found a way to take all that shame, and put it upon Himself. That way I so want to find, to take all of the responsibility for the wrong upon myself, fix it, them not need to change, and I don't have to force them into any of it. He found a way.
He became just like me. Grew up wanting cookies, went through puberty, had selfish friends who didn't understand Him at all, was betrayed. He learned what it was to be human. To be hungry. To want power. To want to just MAKE people understand. Anger, and fear, and frustration, and sorrow. He offered perfect proof, and was still doubted. He shared wisdom, and was called a fool. He shared truth, and people called Him a liar. And He did it all, even with an imperfect understanding of what was happening, and what was going to happen next.
Then, one night in a garden, He saw that it was time. He'd known that this day was coming. He knew exactly what was about to happen, although none of His friends listened. He was facing death alone and uncertain. He didn't know if He was going to rise again - He could only believe. He'd been told that He would, and that was good enough for HIm. But He was afraid. He begged 'If there is ANY other way, please, let's do that instead! But if there isn't... then ok. We'll go with your plan.
Then his close friend betrayed Him to His enemies with false crimes and worse - truths and beautiful gifts that were presented as lies and foul garbage. He was laughed at, tortured, beaten, mocked, had the flesh torn from His bones, and then nailed to a cross - the punishment for the lowest of the low, the most filthy, disgusting criminals they could think of. And even then, He was given an extra dose of mockery. They called Him king, gambled for his clothes. He was delerious with pain, blood loss, and exhaustion. And He knew - as surely as I know I have the power to lift a pencil - all he had to do was say one word, and it would all stop. They'd all see the truth. The pain and misery and humiliation would be over. He could do the very thing they taunted Him with - "Step down off the tree! Bring forth squadrons of angels to save you!" But He didn't.
Because He knew that I would be sitting here one day, and I'd have made some very dumb mistakes. MIstakes that would forever separate me from Him. But He loved me enough, that He died there, in shame, and agony, and disgrace, so that I might have the choice of one day being with Him. Even after all of that - He still would not bring Himself to force me to be with HIm. It's my choice, because He loves me, and wants me to choose to love HIm in return. All I have to do in order to do it is say to HIm 'Yeah. I deserve it and more. I'm a horrible person, and I can't fix this. I know I put you through a lot, but will you fix it for me? I can't promise to be perfect, but I want to try.'
Someday, I'll sit and watch that DVD with Him. And there will be two possibilities. Either we see my life as it actually is, and then He turns to me and says 'I'm sorry, but I literally CANNOT be with someone who has committed so many horrible crimes. Look at what you did to the people around you! You see me now, and you know I"m perfect, and as much as I wish I could - you cannot BEGIN to imagine how much I wish this could be any other way, but... I can't be with you.' And I'll spend the rest of eternity, knowing that this perfect enitity saw me for who I was, loved me more than I could imagine... and I had disgusted Him, disappointed Him, and I didn't deserve to be with Him. And I'd never be able to fix that - it was too late. I'd know how much He loved me, and how much I had torn Him apart in my selfishness, and I'd have to live the rest of eternity with that knowledge, never being able to forget or look away from it.
Or, we can watch it, I'll wish I could crawl under a rock and die, He will turn to me with disgust upon His face, and Jesus the Christ -the one who died in my place- will speak up in my defense and say 'All that bad stuff? Already paid for. Don't worry about it. Watch it again, only looking at the stuff that He did because He loved us.' And then He'll turn and say 'Well done, my good and faithful servant.' I picture the giant hug goes right here, with the rest of this muffled as he holds me close to His chest as if He were afraid to let me go. 'I"m so proud of you. Great is your reward - I get to do everything for you I always wanted. Thank you. Thank you. I love you so much, my child. I never want to be apart from you again.' And I spend eternity with my brothers and sisters, seeing clearly how awesome He is, and knowing that He was proud of me. And never losing that feeling, for all of eternity. I know which one I deserve, and which one I want.
The best part? The part that so much of it hinges on? Jesus didn't stay dead. Three days later, He rose in glory so great that simply seeing Him made people glow with amazement for days. He did this for many reasons. One, to prove that He was the messiah that had been fortold about - the promise was that the messiah would die in shame, and return in glory. And He did. Two, to offer the proof that He WAS more powerful than death. Death ISN'T the end. Proof that he found a way to create the 359 degree circle. He CAN do the impossible. And three? Because my sins died with Him. He returned, they didn't. And then He left, and promised to return for me, and that until then, He'd be in heaven, arguing my case for me. And when that bright and glorious day comes... He'll get to be right there by my side. Forever.
There you have it. I know I"m not the only one to believe this to be true, or at least a close variant of it. I've put this together mostly from my own reading and understanding of scripture, with some conversations here and there. If you have any thoughts or improvements, or want to share your own beliefs... please - I'm always looking to refine my own understandings. If you have any questions, I'm happy to answer. If you hope that there is some way that this could possibly be true, because you want it to be, but it's not possible.. Good news. It is true. God is love. And it is through His love that I can share my love for you all. It's not me, it's all Him. It takes a pretty powerful sun to reflect so brightly off a dingy moon like me:) And if hearing me talk about what I see as so encouraging bothers you, go ahead and block me - I won't do it often, but I'll do it again. I only hope that your own understanding offers you as much joy and hope as mine offers me. Have a good night, y'all. I love you all.
deleted_user
I so love the way that you describe things. I have been so very down on myself lately I dont think i could articulate my way out of a paper bag. Sometimes i forget that He loves ME not who i am supposed to be, not some better version of me, but ME in the messed up selfish bratty lady that i am now. Thank you, Bax, for reminding me.
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