Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
My experience is I had an unpleasant family and started escaping in alchohol and drugs at a young age. I chose psychology as a major in college to try to figure out what was wrong with my family. I got through college. I had my first boyfriend who was abusive. I would lie about the bruises on my arms. He was controlling and jealous and we used a lot of pot. I became a marijuana addict and alcoholic.
I got into being an exotic dancer. I found a role I felt comfortable to be in was caretaker and people pleaser. I found another boyfriend who was an addict and he was very abusive. I would deny the physical abuse, and he would deny it too. I remember him hitting me in the face and I was somehow able to rationalize that it didn't really happen. It was like denial was a way to cope. It got so bad, mostly emotional and verbal abuse. He stalked me. I got help from a domestic violence counseling center, and I learned I had no boundaries. The help was short term. I got a restraining order which would last 3 years. You see I had begun to physically abuse him and I was scared of retaliation, and I needed to stay away. I never called police even though he did not follow rules, I didn't do it to get him in trouble, more to prove a point - I needed to stay away. 2 years into the 3 year restraining order we got back together. I tried to reverse the restraining order, they wouldn't. It ended badly with police coming and he had an injury so I almost got in trouble. At this point I finally told the police I had a restraining order and they backed off. I never felt safe to get him in trouble, I was so scared of his threats, and I know it wouldn't matter anyway. I coped with pot and alcohol.
The next serious boyfriend I had moved in with me and I went back to the counseling agency because I had begun to be physically violent with him. I realized there I was being abused, too. He left me when I kicked him out. I was too ashamed to go back to tell my counselor.
The next boyfriend was physically abusive and I was so in love and so sick. My addiction had gotten really bad. I got help from a counselor to stay away. I saw her for maybe a year, got clean and sober, started a new life away from the dancing and the big city and life with him. I needed to read about abuse. I needed to get clean and sober to deal with the issues in counseling. Counseling didn't really work while I was active in my addiction.
After 3 years without a boyfriend I found my current off and on boyfriend. We were both sober. I went back to the agency after he'd gotten off his medicine for depression about 6 months into our relationship and had become angry. There was a lot of discounting of my feelings and dishonesty. We've broken up about 6 or 7 times over a matter of 6 months. I was on the waiting list to see the counselor for about 6 months, and seeing her the last two. She started to cancel appointments and I got back with him last weekend after a 2 month absense. It will be a month between counseling appointments. She didn't put pressure on me to leave him but that is the purpose of these counseling agencies for domestic violence, they won't help you "cope" with abuse be it verbal, emotional and or physical. I have learned there most relationships with abuse take 5-8 times to break up for good, so I guess I am "average".
My self esteem has really suffered. I isolate and withdraw. I used to try to numb with drugs and alcohol and overspending.
My goal is to use my spirituality to forgive, I don't want to hold resentments. Forgiveness does not mean I have to go back. I go back probably because it is familiar and I am lonely.
My help comes from those who understand. My reading on subject of abuse lets me know I am not alone. I like the book "The Verbally Abusive Relationship - How to recoginze it and how to respond" by Patricia Evans. "The Battered Woman" by Lenore Walker is good.
I got into being an exotic dancer. I found a role I felt comfortable to be in was caretaker and people pleaser. I found another boyfriend who was an addict and he was very abusive. I would deny the physical abuse, and he would deny it too. I remember him hitting me in the face and I was somehow able to rationalize that it didn't really happen. It was like denial was a way to cope. It got so bad, mostly emotional and verbal abuse. He stalked me. I got help from a domestic violence counseling center, and I learned I had no boundaries. The help was short term. I got a restraining order which would last 3 years. You see I had begun to physically abuse him and I was scared of retaliation, and I needed to stay away. I never called police even though he did not follow rules, I didn't do it to get him in trouble, more to prove a point - I needed to stay away. 2 years into the 3 year restraining order we got back together. I tried to reverse the restraining order, they wouldn't. It ended badly with police coming and he had an injury so I almost got in trouble. At this point I finally told the police I had a restraining order and they backed off. I never felt safe to get him in trouble, I was so scared of his threats, and I know it wouldn't matter anyway. I coped with pot and alcohol.
The next serious boyfriend I had moved in with me and I went back to the counseling agency because I had begun to be physically violent with him. I realized there I was being abused, too. He left me when I kicked him out. I was too ashamed to go back to tell my counselor.
The next boyfriend was physically abusive and I was so in love and so sick. My addiction had gotten really bad. I got help from a counselor to stay away. I saw her for maybe a year, got clean and sober, started a new life away from the dancing and the big city and life with him. I needed to read about abuse. I needed to get clean and sober to deal with the issues in counseling. Counseling didn't really work while I was active in my addiction.
After 3 years without a boyfriend I found my current off and on boyfriend. We were both sober. I went back to the agency after he'd gotten off his medicine for depression about 6 months into our relationship and had become angry. There was a lot of discounting of my feelings and dishonesty. We've broken up about 6 or 7 times over a matter of 6 months. I was on the waiting list to see the counselor for about 6 months, and seeing her the last two. She started to cancel appointments and I got back with him last weekend after a 2 month absense. It will be a month between counseling appointments. She didn't put pressure on me to leave him but that is the purpose of these counseling agencies for domestic violence, they won't help you "cope" with abuse be it verbal, emotional and or physical. I have learned there most relationships with abuse take 5-8 times to break up for good, so I guess I am "average".
My self esteem has really suffered. I isolate and withdraw. I used to try to numb with drugs and alcohol and overspending.
My goal is to use my spirituality to forgive, I don't want to hold resentments. Forgiveness does not mean I have to go back. I go back probably because it is familiar and I am lonely.
My help comes from those who understand. My reading on subject of abuse lets me know I am not alone. I like the book "The Verbally Abusive Relationship - How to recoginze it and how to respond" by Patricia Evans. "The Battered Woman" by Lenore Walker is good.
Remembering how you built yourself up through those years could only be helpful in getting yourself back to that place again.... and even better so.
I suppose as they say in the AA program "the road gets narrower" and as I got into a tough 9th step of making amends, I find I look for distractions to help me procastinate.
Anyway I suppose I fell in love.
I was working on me and taking care of myself. I have codependency issues and the boyfriend just became a wreck. I got really sucked in.
The time without the boyfriend was ok.
I am ultra independent in many ways. I suppose I tend to make the boyfriend my support and social life.
When single I rely on others.
When in a relationship I rely on him.
Interesting.
I got into my spirituality during those 3 years and meetings and stepwork and work. There wasn't anything really "missing".
I think sometimes when I am in a relationship because of my dysfunction that is when something is "missing" it is ME.
In sharing myself with someone sometimes I learn about myself and my shortcomings, other times I feel I lose myself in them.
The only thing that is missing in you when you get into a relationship is your sense of "YOU-ness"... because you get intimately entangled.... and then when you have lost YOU in the relationship, you start to feel like something is wrong with you, because something is askew, and then a cycle of self doubt takes over, only then encouraging you to cling more steadfastly to the other person.
Make sense? I'm just making this up as I go along, so feel free to tell me if I'm whacked.
I recently took a personality test and found out how introverted I am, also intuitive and feeling and judging.
I appreciate your feedback.
Here's the link to the personality test....
PS. You know what works for me even with my counselor is her telling me I don't have to leave (only then did I feel free to decide for myself) - I am a bit of a rebel and don't like to be told what to do, so thank you for offering suggestions gently.
http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp