Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Hi All,
I am really swimming in a sea of emotions right now. I found out today when I had the overwhelming sensation that something was really wrong... I have been feeling this way for a couple of days now and have been unable to shake it. Today it just got too much and I contacted him to make sure he was okay. (I have had him blocked in every possible way, so he has had no way of contacting me.)
He wrote back saying that he had just found out that he was dying, that he wasn't sure how long he had. He said it could be days or years, but not very long.
The message went on from there, but was rather personal and I don't feel comfortable sharing it yet. I burst into tears. I have loved this man. I have hated this man. I have shared 5 years of my life with him and conceived two of his children. My heart is breaking right now...
And I don't know where else I can share this that anyone else will know exactly what I am going through.
I am really swimming in a sea of emotions right now. I found out today when I had the overwhelming sensation that something was really wrong... I have been feeling this way for a couple of days now and have been unable to shake it. Today it just got too much and I contacted him to make sure he was okay. (I have had him blocked in every possible way, so he has had no way of contacting me.)
He wrote back saying that he had just found out that he was dying, that he wasn't sure how long he had. He said it could be days or years, but not very long.
The message went on from there, but was rather personal and I don't feel comfortable sharing it yet. I burst into tears. I have loved this man. I have hated this man. I have shared 5 years of my life with him and conceived two of his children. My heart is breaking right now...
And I don't know where else I can share this that anyone else will know exactly what I am going through.
Please don't take this as
something offensive, but. . .
did he give you specifics, Hon?
I've known of abusers telling
their ex's or stbx's that they
had cancer or whatever,
when it wasn't true.
In those cases, it was
obviously a ploy to
maintain contact
and/or control.
Did he give you enough
information to be clear that
this is not a ploy?
If it's not a ploy, I'm sorry for your pain.
I can totally understand you
mix of emotions.
Please make sure to
take care of yourself.
Hugs and healing prayers.
At first I felt guilty for even doubting him, but then I remembered everything he has put me through. It is sad I have to question him even at times like this.
I am not the one dying... God, I feel cold an callous saying that!!! However, I have always put his needs above my own... Many times to my own detriment. I need to find a way to deal with this (if in fact, he is telling the truth) that is in alignment with both what is good for me and my own inner being.
Phew, there I said it! It can be hard to assert boundaries when you are used to doing it.
My story (I don't want to influence what u believ but just share with you what I went throu)
My ex (we was together at the time) he told me he had suspected cancer and implied that he was going to die, he also had (around the same time) claimed lots of other illnesses. I couldn't tell him that I didn't believe him because imagine if it was all true, I'd have felt awful.
In the space of months he had suspected cancer, a heart problem, a stroke and he was diagnosed with diabetes.
I can confirm that it was all total bullshit, the lot.
So yeah it does happen. His motives where not to win me back as we was still together, but I believe it was a mixture of him trying to get my attention and also use his health as an excuse to not have to time or energy to commit to me (I was pregnant at the time)
I to do the whole "is he ok I have a bad feeling" and I do check in from time to time with his daughters fb pages just to make sure he's ok (that's if they put anything in about him)
I don't knew why I get those feelings, and I know I check because I'm a caring person plus it doesn't have any effect on me at all, it just settles those feelings of "I wonder if he's ok and still alive?"
I would just be wary, play it by ear. Really listen to what he's saying, look for motives. But I completely get why u have to go see him, you need to settle your head with this and if by doing so will achieve it then do what u must do. I think it's perfectly ok and understandable for u to doubt him, he's not earned your trust and trust has to be earned.
If your in doubt just run things by us (if u feel ok doing so) and we will try to help to read between the lines and see if we can see anything and if he's genuine!
I keep wondering the same thing. I was eager to hear your take on it because our exes seem similar. When I was listening to your recordings I couldn't help but think about how many conversations I have had with my ex... How circular they would be and how everything is about 'his' feelings, his need for attention, ect.
He is 47 and has heart problems. He has already had two or three heart attacks (I can't remember the exact number), all of which occurred before we were together. Also, just two months ago he was complaining about his neck and the fact that he needed surgery. I just feel like saying 'what now?' I know it may be his heart, as his father and uncle had heart-related issues too... (I should add that while his uncle died at around 60, my ex's dad is still going strong and I believe he is around 70... To here my ex tell it, the whole family is cursed.)
However, right now this is all speculation...
I am on my way down there in about 30mins. I will give you guys the update tomorrow morning. I am so thankful for this board and such a wonderful group of wise and caring people. I feel much less alone.
(Hope you don't mind, I abbreviated your name) ?
He does sound like my ex to be honest. My ex was always ill, he just loved the attention he got from me.
He used to have a head ache but imply that is was a brain tumour. He also used to do the whole "something terrible has happened" but then be reluctant to tell me so that's why I'm wary of your ex not telling you over the phone. It's more like a "you have to see me to find out what's wrong with me" so I am a little suspicious, but I could be wrong.
Like Kazb25's ex is this a pattern of his. If it is, has he ever been to therapy for this personality disorder? If he really is dying, I would think the first thing he would do is seek therapy. i know i certainly would. Well I seek therapy for about everything unfortunately, because I do not trust my emotions. :(
Unfortunately I would probably be a sucker for this myself, if I had a partner whom I still cared about, and loved. I did do it, but it was over owed money, and a supposed loan shark, than ended up being her drug dealer.
People like us end up attracting these abusive people, and relationships, and it seems an unending cycle, that even with therapy continues. :( I do hope both of you the best that this does not happen in either of your next relationships, and you are able to break the vicious cycle.
There are people who come here to daily strength everyday with claims of having little time to live from a terminal diagnosis. it is only after things don't make sense and time passes that we learn about their lies.
A doctor says, "it might be xyz", and they focus on "it's xyz" because that is terminal and will gain them the most attention.
The truth is that these people are suffering from terminal selfishness. There is no real cure for such selfish behavior.
If he is really dying, there is such a varied time frame for terminal diagnosis. Even cancer with an expectancy of 6 mos. to a year can be survived for many years.
I would still trust you instincts. You have plenty of time to share with him once you feel comfy with this new situation. Any pressure from him would make me feel like it is mostly hoax to try and get you back under his control.
Hang in there.
When I got his message, I literally broke down crying. My strong reaction is what made me wonder if he was trying to get attention. Since I left him and went NC for a long while, I have not been reacting much to him even when we did end up talking again. The magic spell is broken, I am no longer under his power. While I was upset that something could be seriously wrong with him, I was more concerned with protecting myself and filled with mistrust.
He said to me once, 'You like high emotions, don't you?' referring to emotional extremes. It was clearly projection on his behalf. Ever since he said that, I have been monitoring what he does in an attempt to get a reaction, especially since I am no longer under his control.
This last ploy was so big, so shockingly huge, it made me wonder if it was true. He has never pulled anything like this before, but there is a first time for everything.
1) he was moving jobs
2) he was actually just changing company
3) actually his company was being taken over by another so he was staying put
The conclusion to these was "what if child supprt money stops, shall I come down and give u the money myself"
4) can he give our daughter a card for her birthday
5) can he give me money to start up a trust fund for our daughter
6) can he just take me out to a jazz club (don't even like jazz!)
7) he is going to tell his mum and all his family about our daughter, he WILL do it, he PROMISES!
8) he'd changed
9) his mum had a fall again and hurt her hip (for the one hundredth million time
Etc etc bullshit bullshit
Hun I'm so sorry you've just had to deal with this. Take it from me, you have come so far in your healing, don't allow his stupidity to wind u up! He's so very sad and pathetic and you are far too classy for that looser!