Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I started out just writing a journal entry and got into talking all about my mother to try to explain how I feel about myself. I didn't intend to go into such detail as I did, and it brought a lot of things back up for me. I've had therapy for years because of it, including family therapy, but nothing has really helped.
I've tried suppressing the pain, but it doesn't go away.
I'm hoping that it will help me to share my story with people who understand.
Okay, well it all started when I was very young. My adopted mother was incredibly emotionally abusive to me, and indirectly physically abusive as well. By indirectly I mean she didn't hit me, but she would withhold food sometimes. I'm pretty sure that's abuse...
Anyways, she was/is obsessed with me not being fat. I guess it's because she doesn't want me to turn out like her, even though we're not biologically related. Even then, the way she went about it was terrible.
I was never allowed to eat desert like my brother was, and I was never allowed to have any kind of junk food, but my brother was. I would be so embarrassed every time our family would go out to dinner. My brother would order ice cream or something, and I'd ask my mom if I could have some. Her response was always along the lines of "You're fat enough already" or "Your brother can eat it because he's not a cow". It made me feel so bad about myself and I would feel so fucking embarrassed. I'm crying now even just typing it. This all started when I was little, around 8 or 9.
She gave me diet pills for the first time when I was 9, she said I was getting too fat. She would weigh me every week and cut down my food portions if I gained weight, which of course happened a lot since I was still a growing kid. I would put on clothes and if my shirts weren't at least 2 sizes too big, she'd tell me how fat I looked. That she could "see all my rolls". I've seen pictures of me as a kid, I was skinny as fucking hell. I was a ballerina, I rode horses, and I fenced. I was never overweight. I hated myself so much, and I feel like I was too young to be so insecure.
(random cute moment: I'm crying as I'm writing this out, and my kittie started lookin at me and meowing like she was concerned and is now aggressively nuzzling me. sweet kittie.)
Anyways, she would take me shopping and she would never just say something looked bad on me, it was always "you look ugly" or "you look fat". I was always so embarrassed because I knew people could hear her. I would usually end up sitting in the dressing room and crying.
I was so disgusted with myself, and I was only between 9 and 14 years old (i got sent to boarding school when I was 15). I'd pick out things I liked, but she would only buy them at least 2 sizes too big to hide my "rolls".
I was bulimic by the time I was 13.
I'm adopted, and so is my brother, but my brother actually looks like he could be their kid. However, I had bright red hair and people that didn't know our family too well always referred to me as "the adopted one". I stuck out so much compared to my family. My mom would always tell me that she wish she had adopted a different daughter.
She would tell me how no one would ever love "the fat girl"
She would check my backpack when I got home from school to see if I was trying to sneak in any candy. If I ever got some, I'd have to put it on my windowsill outside, then go inside, get searched, and then open my window to get the candy.
I've never had much self-esteem, and have been trying to fight my eating disorder for a long time. It got to the point where every time I feel full, I feel sick.
What I really don't understand is how I can eat something so tiny, but then when I look in the mirror I seriously think it looks like I gained 10 pounds instantly. I mention this because it just happened. I felt okay about myself all day, then I ate half a banana, and feel like I look like I gained 10lbs. Is it just more mental shit from my mother?
What started me in writing all of this is what happened the other day...
I've been trying to improve how I look at myself and undo what my mother has done to my self-esteem, and I was trying to come up with some ways to go about doing it. I was googling crap, and everything I found was telling me to lose weight or exercise. I kept trying to find something with advice about how to start looking at myself differently, but it all came back to losing weight. It just frustrated me SO much that I'm trying to stop obsessing about my weight, but everywhere I looked it was telling me to change myself, not accept myself. It was just feeding my insecurities, making me think that I needed to be thinner, to be happy. But no matter how thin I've been, I've never seen myself as beautiful or "good enough" in any way. I tried modeling to see if that would help, but it didn't. Sometimes I think I look pretty in my pictures, but I think that it's an illusion and that I'm not actually pretty. In my head it, I don't associate my pictures with being me, I look at them like it's a different person.
Anyone have any advice on how to build up self-esteem after emotional abuse?
I've tried suppressing the pain, but it doesn't go away.
I'm hoping that it will help me to share my story with people who understand.
Okay, well it all started when I was very young. My adopted mother was incredibly emotionally abusive to me, and indirectly physically abusive as well. By indirectly I mean she didn't hit me, but she would withhold food sometimes. I'm pretty sure that's abuse...
Anyways, she was/is obsessed with me not being fat. I guess it's because she doesn't want me to turn out like her, even though we're not biologically related. Even then, the way she went about it was terrible.
I was never allowed to eat desert like my brother was, and I was never allowed to have any kind of junk food, but my brother was. I would be so embarrassed every time our family would go out to dinner. My brother would order ice cream or something, and I'd ask my mom if I could have some. Her response was always along the lines of "You're fat enough already" or "Your brother can eat it because he's not a cow". It made me feel so bad about myself and I would feel so fucking embarrassed. I'm crying now even just typing it. This all started when I was little, around 8 or 9.
She gave me diet pills for the first time when I was 9, she said I was getting too fat. She would weigh me every week and cut down my food portions if I gained weight, which of course happened a lot since I was still a growing kid. I would put on clothes and if my shirts weren't at least 2 sizes too big, she'd tell me how fat I looked. That she could "see all my rolls". I've seen pictures of me as a kid, I was skinny as fucking hell. I was a ballerina, I rode horses, and I fenced. I was never overweight. I hated myself so much, and I feel like I was too young to be so insecure.
(random cute moment: I'm crying as I'm writing this out, and my kittie started lookin at me and meowing like she was concerned and is now aggressively nuzzling me. sweet kittie.)
Anyways, she would take me shopping and she would never just say something looked bad on me, it was always "you look ugly" or "you look fat". I was always so embarrassed because I knew people could hear her. I would usually end up sitting in the dressing room and crying.
I was so disgusted with myself, and I was only between 9 and 14 years old (i got sent to boarding school when I was 15). I'd pick out things I liked, but she would only buy them at least 2 sizes too big to hide my "rolls".
I was bulimic by the time I was 13.
I'm adopted, and so is my brother, but my brother actually looks like he could be their kid. However, I had bright red hair and people that didn't know our family too well always referred to me as "the adopted one". I stuck out so much compared to my family. My mom would always tell me that she wish she had adopted a different daughter.
She would tell me how no one would ever love "the fat girl"
She would check my backpack when I got home from school to see if I was trying to sneak in any candy. If I ever got some, I'd have to put it on my windowsill outside, then go inside, get searched, and then open my window to get the candy.
I've never had much self-esteem, and have been trying to fight my eating disorder for a long time. It got to the point where every time I feel full, I feel sick.
What I really don't understand is how I can eat something so tiny, but then when I look in the mirror I seriously think it looks like I gained 10 pounds instantly. I mention this because it just happened. I felt okay about myself all day, then I ate half a banana, and feel like I look like I gained 10lbs. Is it just more mental shit from my mother?
What started me in writing all of this is what happened the other day...
I've been trying to improve how I look at myself and undo what my mother has done to my self-esteem, and I was trying to come up with some ways to go about doing it. I was googling crap, and everything I found was telling me to lose weight or exercise. I kept trying to find something with advice about how to start looking at myself differently, but it all came back to losing weight. It just frustrated me SO much that I'm trying to stop obsessing about my weight, but everywhere I looked it was telling me to change myself, not accept myself. It was just feeding my insecurities, making me think that I needed to be thinner, to be happy. But no matter how thin I've been, I've never seen myself as beautiful or "good enough" in any way. I tried modeling to see if that would help, but it didn't. Sometimes I think I look pretty in my pictures, but I think that it's an illusion and that I'm not actually pretty. In my head it, I don't associate my pictures with being me, I look at them like it's a different person.
Anyone have any advice on how to build up self-esteem after emotional abuse?
you have been thru quite a bit with your mother. Thats awful what she
has put you through. Many of us have had abuse from family members
in other ways.
I wish I had the answer for you. I still struggle with issues from how my parents treated me. I do understand how their voice becomes yours after awhile. For me, what has helped has been recognizing the negative tapes is not necsserarilly true . Its more likely my father harsh criticism
that I`am hearing so I try very hard not to pay attention to it. Its work and it does not happen overnight.
Listen to your inner guide. I do believe we have a guide within to help us find what will help us. Be quiet, be very quiet and listen to the truth, that you are beautiful just as you are!
You obviously didn't do anything wrong, not a thing, but you were treated like you were the worst person alive.
It's like someone slapped you every time you went to take a bite. No wonder it left you w/ trouble w/ food issues! Anyone would feel that way.
Plus, them making you feel bad for having red hair. Red hair is gorgeous, and they should have enjoyed that about you. They should have made you feel belonging.
I'd have a hard time hearing those comments as an adult! I cannot imagine how that would tear down a child who just needs to be loved and fed. Children should actually have some baby fat to be healthy, and that is cute! Look at a baby. It's cute because it has little cheeks. A skinny baby is not cute, and an overly skinny person isn't either. A little bit of fat makes people attractive.
I think it's great you wrote all of that out. It really helps just to feel all of the pain you felt then, and still feel now. If you can get that pain out, by feeling it, then it won't be stuck in you anymore.
Then you will be able to clearly see the TRUTH about all of these things. But you won't see it, until you feel it all first. Just keep writing about it and telling people until you feel every feeling that is left, without judging it. It helps to take a lot of deep breaths and just feel whatever is going on in your body. But it takes time to get used to letting it out. It's very hard to do at first.
See if you can uncover even more feelings. Like when you ate the banana. You might be able to list 15 ways that made you feel, and why it made you feel fat. Maybe more than 15!
I'm sure you logically know that it won't make you fat, or no? because it won't. But it might feel that way, based on so much abuse that you had that left you w/ the wrong thought.
It's like those dogs, who salivate when they ring the bell, because they get fed after ringing the bell, in that study. You associate things. So you have to break that association. And make food mean being healthy and living, and being yourself and worthy just as you ARE, not being abused for no reason at all.
The first thing that jumped out at me was that you were trying to supress your emotions about what has happened to you. What you have to understand is those feelings we bury, or supress, don't go away. They just rot, and fester, and make us sick.
So much better to let them bubble up, in a safe place. To sit with them let yourself feel them, honor them, you have a perfect right to have them. If you do this, they will stop causing you harm. It may take time and it will probably happen in layers.
Emotions, feelings are not good or bad. They just are. You don't need to feel bad or good about them, just allow yourself to feel them. The eating disorder, I believe, is just an attempt to deal with feelings without actually feeling them. Once you allow yourself to feel the hurt, the anger, the sadness....in a safe and healthy way, you will be able to better manage the eating disorder.
This is a link to a column addressing doing this with our feelings.
http://www.dailyom.com/articles/2010/26687.html
You need to know you are a beautiful young woman. You have the best part of your life in front of you. Your mother.....I just hope you are free of her now.
Roseanne said to listen to your inner guide and she's right....Listen to your gut. Lead with your gut. Your gut is the honest pure part of yourself. When that voice in your head tells you that you are fat, search your soul, your gut, for the answer. And then, listen to it. It will tell you you are beautiful.
I hope this new year brings you the ability to get through this, and make it to the other side. You can do this....you can. You are here, on DS, looking for help and that in itself shows that you want to heal.
Big hugs to you.
Please be good to yourself...your kitty sounds so sweet!
My mother was also emotionally abusive when I was growing up. By the age of 14 I started asking for gifts, like a toaster, or dishes for my apartment for Christmas & my birthday, it was my only way to cope.
My therapist had recommended a book called "The Gifted Child" and it deals with the issue of emotional abuse by parent(s) on their children. I haven't read it yet, but plan on it. I did read "The Dance of Anger" and that was good about mother/daughter relationships and setting healthy boundaries. I STILL need to work on boundaries each & every day. My mother is not a nice person.
Hang in there Ginger!!! One day at a time :-)