My therepy blamed my mother for my abusive relationship because she is controlling but not in a horrid way. But its been my mum who has only supported me through that until now. No one understands except people who have been through it. I would do anything for my partner to understand just a fraction,

What counts is what is true. A therapist may be right in spotting that you have done things that don't help. Read about it; think about it; decide; act. If you don't own your responsibility, you are lying to yourself. Everyone makes mistakes. And we learn as we go. A wise person admits the truth and learns from it. You don't have to be perfect.

If you don't feel like your counselor understands your needs, you can find a new one. Most insurance companies' web sites have a tool for finding the right specialist, and you should find one that deals with abusive relationships and their aftermath. In particular, get one who will utilize cognitive process therapy, because it will help you get through a lot of the feelings you are having right now. They ask "why" a lot and will get you to journal and write letters. It has been a godsend for me.

You don't want to be a victim either. Being the target of pity and looked on as someone who is weak gets very tiresome. You need to move past being a victim and become a survivor.

I don't know your story, but if your boyfriend abused you in ANY WAY-emotionally, physically, sexually, verbally, etc. IT IS COMPLETELY HIS FAULT! He is an adult and is responsible for a little thing called restraint. No matter what you said or did he had no right to abuse you. It is EXTREMELY HARD to find a good and understanding therapist. My heart goes out to you. You are in my prayers.

that's victim blame and it's unprofessional. I think it's more productive to say you can take control of your life, and give you the tools to make that happen. I'd get a new counselor, there is a happy medium between playing the victim role, and really taking charge of your life.

I had someone tell me this too. That I was the common denominator in the relationships, and therefore I was the problem. It almost made sense to me, and now I don't know what to think.

get another councillor asap. they should be helping not trying to put more on you. be reasured it is not your fault, sometimes we grow but still feel like children, especially when we've had an emotional upbringing

I know that my part in my abusive relationship was that I did not leave....I should have. Should he have treated me much, much better??? Yes..did I want to end the relationship? No. Was it the healthy thing to do? Yes. You know what went on with him. Gain some strength and move forward.

Thanks for everyones replies. I think I will stop seeing her, she's wierd and I feel worse for talking about this stuff not better. My councellor made me realise a bit too bluntly that I have been raped, I never admitted it to myself and now I feel horrible and gross. I'm sure I'm not meant to feel like this?

You may feel like this when the realisation is awoken in you, BUT your therapist should take you from that place, through it, and out into the healing at the other side.

As for - his fault/my fault - I am not in much favour of these, "You make your choices" and are therefore responsible.

We do make choices - usually with love, care, genuine kindness, and naivete - which are all good things.

Then we it takes a long time to come to the realisation that we are being abused for being loving, kind and tolerent, compassionate, and by the time we are ill with it, we are brainwashed into thinking we really are as horrible as they say we are.

So then we don't leave, and we don't fight back, and we may even be grateful that the (swine) man puts up with us.

As for choosing to be there, choosing to take abuse, welcoming abuse into our lives: well we don't. But we may know nothing else, and have no other measure to measure right from wrong by.

It is very hard, very subjective and I think your therapist is being less than tactful or helpful.

I briefly had 4 x 1 hour assessments with a therapist who:
- seemed fed up with me
- told me she could understand my husband would run a mile (I wasn't given space to communicate that I might also want to run a mile)
- that my relationship was not working and could n't
- that men do not usually give up their bad ways (an unpleasant coping mechanism in this case) and did I really really think he had?

It all led to yet another meltdown, and the feeling of total inadequacy that I normally feel.

On seeing a CBT pschologist I was amazed (only another assessment)
- her body language and face expressions were welcoming
- she heard what I said
- she tried to give me pointers that would help til the therapy happens
- she empathised
What a difference.