Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Hi everyone,
I hope that some of you can chime on this for me. I have been on vacation with my best friend who is all of a sudden criticizing me and telling me that I am messed up because I stayed with my abusive ex for one year. She knows the whole story and she really helped me in the past with being a great support and all of a sudden I feel like she is turning against me. She tells me I should see her therapist who charges an exorbitant sum that I cannot afford and says to me that I will never heal from the therapists that I have been seeing. She says that I shouldn't tell future boyfriends that I was once in an abusive relationship and I should hide this info because they (future bfs) will leave me if they found out and will think that I am screwed up for allowing myself to be abused.
For those of you who don't know, I broke up with my abusive ex five months ago. He was mostly verbally and emotionally abusive with a couple of physical assault incidents(choking and sexual assault). I have been no contact with him this whole time and sticking to it.
I feel so alone all of a sudden and so ashamed like I have no one in my life because here she is telling me essentially that I am crazy for having
stayed with him for one year.
I'm feeling so so alone and betrayed by her judgments. Please help.
I hope that some of you can chime on this for me. I have been on vacation with my best friend who is all of a sudden criticizing me and telling me that I am messed up because I stayed with my abusive ex for one year. She knows the whole story and she really helped me in the past with being a great support and all of a sudden I feel like she is turning against me. She tells me I should see her therapist who charges an exorbitant sum that I cannot afford and says to me that I will never heal from the therapists that I have been seeing. She says that I shouldn't tell future boyfriends that I was once in an abusive relationship and I should hide this info because they (future bfs) will leave me if they found out and will think that I am screwed up for allowing myself to be abused.
For those of you who don't know, I broke up with my abusive ex five months ago. He was mostly verbally and emotionally abusive with a couple of physical assault incidents(choking and sexual assault). I have been no contact with him this whole time and sticking to it.
I feel so alone all of a sudden and so ashamed like I have no one in my life because here she is telling me essentially that I am crazy for having
stayed with him for one year.
I'm feeling so so alone and betrayed by her judgments. Please help.
Thank you so much for replying. I've been crying all day because I just don't understand why she is all of a sudden judging me like this. She's had her own set of issues and problems and I've only been supportive of her and have never judged her. She would call me at midnight and I will listen to her problems and have been there for her. She admits to me that she couldn't have survived her last breakup if i wasn't there for her, but I'm SO perplexed as to why she would insinuate that I should be ashamed of having been in am abusive relationship and that somehow I am damaged goods and that I should lie to people like future partners. She's also complained to me that she is annoyed that I am still not over my ex (I am doing well and doing whatever I can to heal but it's been a tough journey). And yet when she talks to me about all her issues I am always here for her to help her. I feel like there is some sort of double standard. She wants my help and listening ear but she refuses to lend me hers. Anyway, Strength, I think you're right,I need to give us some space right now and cool off. I just feel so hurt.
Thank you for your support, I don't know what I would have done without this group of awesome women on this forum.
It really does hurt when someone says these things - because they also echo what we are most afraid of, that fear that we really are messed up for life, we really are stupid or crazy for having stayed. Essentially puts the blame for the abuse back on us.
IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT. No matter what anyone says, never forget that.
As for what to tell a future partner, cross that bridge when you come to it. Share what feels right at the time. I certainly wouldn't rush in to discuss it on a first date, but nor would I hide it from someone I was genuinely close to, as if it were MY dirty little secret. I was seeing a guy last year, we had sort of known each other vaguely for a few years (he had met my ex a couple of times even). We have become very close over the last nearly 2 years (not exactly "together" for reasons I won't go into here cos it's a long story), and he knows enough to know why I am somewhat "gun shy", he knows enough to understand some of my reactions. But I don't discuss the details with him - and when I first started telling him little bits, I watched his reactions carefully. It was one of my "red flag" tests and (in my view) a useful one.
The shame is not yours. Don't let anyone tell you it is. Your choices are yours to make, you have had good reasons for them, even the "wrong" ones. You are not crazy, you are not stupid, you are not weak - far far from it. You are a survivor and you are super strong to have done what you've done the last 5 months.
As for the therapists - if YOU think you are not getting anything from your therapist, change. If YOU think your therapist is helping, don't change. Don't let anyone else set the timetable for your healing (I have been in therapy 3 and a half years now, my ex has been gone 2 and a half years, and it was only this week that my therapist and I finally agreed I don't need to make another appointment right now). You will heal in your own time and in your own way - and it seems like you are doing a GREAT job of it.
Hang in there, I think the best option would to be completely honest with her about how you are feeling and if she countines to do it then she isnt worth your time as a friend.
Healing is such an important phase in getting our lives back together, and it's important that you let your friend know that whilst you value her friendship and previous support, it's not OK for her to criticise you for being abused nor tell you on how you should or should not conduct future relationships.
Therapy is always a good aid in the healing process, but it sounds as though your friend is suggesting this to you in a harsh judgmental way.
As regards what you tell future boyfriends, go by your gut instinct. Personally, I'd only make this decision when a relationship has deepened to a level where there is trust and you deem the information relevant or necessary.
Take care
I am so sorry to hear that your friend has been less then supportive and judgmental towards you. I had a similar incident with one of my friends.
Thankfully, it was only one friend. Please do not feel ashamed for what happened. It happened, you tried to make it work, it couldn't so you left. The experience, although it was not positive will shape you into a more caring and understanding person. I remember that you said that you were in school to become a doctor.
I think this experience will help you become an EVEN better doctor. You will become stronger and with therapy you will heal. I agree, it may not be something that you will share on a first date, but I think that is a choice that you will be comfortable making when the time is right.
I know that I am "damaged" right now and I know that I am not ready to date. I am not going to rush it. It will happen when I am ready.
I stayed with my ex for almost four years. (on and off). Please do not feel badly for staying for a year. You are brave and you are deserving of love and support. I am sorry that your friend is not able to do this for you. I am not saying that she is a bad person, but she is unable to really empathize with your situation.
Big hugs to you, my fellow Canuk!
Charlotta,
I think you're confusing me with gummi bear who is the doctor, no worries! However, I am a fellow Canuck! :-)
I also should say in addition to her judgements on my abusive relationship, she has also been subtly criticizing me in other ways while were spending a lot of time together which is weird because she never did that in the past. I feel like my confidence has taken a dive with her comments, and honestly, she never did this in the past. She is going through some stress on her own and I've been so supportive and loving to her but why does she have to make me feel like I'm not good enough? Anyway, thanks everyone, my love to all of you.
I am so sorry your friend is treating you this way. It does seem like double standards to me.
The real facts are that you stayed in your relationship for ONLY 1 year and had the strength and courage to leave. That was brave! I stayed nearly 20 years. You were very helpful to me in a similar post I made a few days ago.
You sound like a very kind and caring person. Plus you also have shown bravery and are getting stronger. Your friends reaction is very hurtful. It strikes me as this: perhaps she saw you as vulnerable in your relationship and her role was one of rescuer/supporter. But now you are getting stronger and perhaps she feels you no longer need her as much. Perhaps the dynamics of your relationship have changed because you are making changes and she is not. That's just a thought. Im just guessing this because of her u-turn in her support. Why was she so supportive when you were with him and now so critical? I believe that sometimes when we make changes in our lives for the better, and become stronger, people can't handle those changes it creates in the dynamic of your relationship.
Also as others have said, nobody can understand the dynamics if an abusive relationship. That could also be an issue. But frankly nobody should tell you how long you should take to recover from The breakdown if ANY relationship, healthy or abusive! I don't think any normal person would be fully over a "normal" relationship after 5 months.
I also find it disturbing that she's trying to undermine your faith in your therapist.
I feel as if she's almost taking advantage of your kind and caring nature and hitting you when you are down as she once saw you as vulnerable.
She has issues which you mentioned and is perhaps projecting them onto you.
I have also met with some horrible reactions which have hurt me deeply and I can only say that I don't want those people in my life any more. I have 2 friends who are very supportive, whom I've known since I was 13. Everyone else has had downright strange reactions to my situation which have ranged from never returning my calls to literally being verbally attacked.
She has no right to tell you how long it should take to get over any relationship, or to try to undermine your confidence in your therapist, or to tell you to lie to potential future bf.
I actually think there is some jealousy going on here. That's the feeling I get. I could be wrong, but I think she feels threatened by the new dynamics that have probably been created in your relationship by your onbvious strength and courage to leave your abuser.
That's my 2 cents worth. I hope I've made some sense. I could be way off!
In any case, whatever her reasons, she has issues and is not helping you. I would consider time away from her too. I have learnt the hard way too, people are just strange through all of this.
But you have done nothing wrong. That is for certain.
I really feel for you. I am in a similar situation and I bet others here have been too.
Do whatever feels right for you.
You don't deserve this.
Hugs
People may think they know what is best for us, but they really don't. Even those who have been in an abusive relationship, don't know exactly because they are not in our shoes.
IMHO, a good friend is respectful and supportive if us, even if s/he didn't understand how or what we were feeling & even if s/he didn't agree w/our choices. Everyone has their own issues and each person is on their own individual path. Sometimes our paths mirror each other. Sometimes they go in different directions. Ideally, a friend would be able to accept the differences, but sadly sometimes s/he cannot or will not.
I commend you for following your inner voice & trusting yourself. You have done a fantastic job of getting out and keeping no contact. You are courageous, being true to yourself & you're doing what you need to do to take care of you. You have nothing to be ashamed about!
Big hugs to you!!!
In any case. . . . .
can you spell
p.r.o.j.e.c.t.i.o.n?????????
Whether it was something
in her own personal life or
something that happened
in her family of origin. . . . .
it's a hot button for her
about which she experiences
guilt and shame.
It's her. It's NOT you.