Your attorney's suggestions are good ones, logical and fair under ordinary circumstances. But divorcing a narcissist is never logical or straightforward. It is war. Mine has spun me and my kids into a marginal lifestyle, has not paid any of the common property yet, and is still taking me to court as much as he can, no end in sight (though it's different for your situation-mine always earned a lot more than me). I had to fight to keep custody of my kids. I too tried mediation with him but it was an exercise in futility. In your case, you seem to already know your rights in the divorce. You have nothing to lose by talking with him. But expect major resistance.

I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through. I hear things like that and I cant wrap my head around the fact that someone would NOT put their children's best interests first. How can someone be so cruel. How old are your children? Is your divorce finalized yet?

Hugs,

Not, I can't say what's the "best" way to go about your divorce or dealing with your husband, but YOU know him and how he's likely to react in the two scenarios better than anyone. One thing I will mention about my own situation is that I felt bad and guilty trying to sneak around and do things in secret, behind my husband's back, even though he pretty much treated me like crap for 6 years. It's just my personality, and it bugged me, a lot. Once it was all out in the open, even though my husband started manipulating me differently (sob stories, all the hard feelings he was having about me wanting a divorce, etc), I felt better and still do. I didn't tell him for a couple months about my first visit with the attorney. Finally recently when my husband screwed up big time I told him that I had been to an attorney already, and was going again, and that I definitely wanted a divorce. Of course that set his head spinning, but at least now I'm not trying to hide stuff and cover my tracks all the time.

He recently asked me to give him a 6 month commitment to staying together and not filing. I agreed to this with some reservation but honestly I won't feel at all bad if I need to break that commitment on account of his behavior getting worse again or whatever. He said that if we give it a shot for 6 months and I still feel the same, at least he'll think "we tried our best" to make the marriage work. In one ear and out the other for me.

Personally, knowing my husband, I think this will lead to a better outcome than if I had him served with divorce papers with him having no heads up about it. And in the meantime we've discussed logistics, child support and how we'll handle the money (or how he says he plans to handle it, whether or not he's being honest I don't know). He's been reassuring me that he is not out to get me and would never want me or his kids to live in poverty, etc. He's said he plans to pay what he has to pay and won't try to make things difficult. Again what they say and what they do are not always congruent, but it's given me temporary peace of mind anyway. He did try to suggest that we not use attorneys, which I immediately told him was not going to happen, that I am getting an attorney regardless.

Whatever you decide to do, keep in mind that you know your husband the best, and your own feelings can be a guide about the best way to handle it. If you think he'll be all angry and explosive (like I thought mine would be for sure if he got a surprise delivery of divorce papers), maybe it's better to let him know you're serious and that you've seen an attorney. I also told my husband in a public place, just in case.

I agree with daydreamer that you know your H best. I can only tell you my situation.

I outearned my ex our whole relationship. When our baby was born, he quit his job and ran up massive debt while I was on maternity leave. I then helped him claim welfare, including "parenting payments" for the welfare of our child, on the basis that he would contribute those payments to joint funds (I was paying the whole of the mortgage, all the bills, groceries, everything). He made the agreed weekly payment once, then stole the same amount from me a month later and never made another payment during the whole 8 months he was claiming a "parenting payment" for our son. When he left, he left me with the debts and a heap of promises to make sure to look after me so that the debts he left me with wouldn't mean I lost my house. Then he got a lawyer and threatened to sue me for half of my home (he wouldn't have got it, but would have got something). He didn't end up suing (probably because his attorney told him she'd end up taking pretty much whatever he got, and maybe more, in fees). But nor has he paid a penny in child support in the last 5 years. And of course, I did lose my home. Just recently, after no contact for more than 4 years, he told me that he is "willing" to support his son, and that he "always was".

Be careful what you "agree" with these types - remember that their dishonesty and broken promises are part of the reason you are leaving in the first place. Also, many of them see any attempt on your part to be reasonable and reach agreement as weakness which must be exploited. I've many times seen stories on this site of abusers offering their victims a fairly poor deal, the victim has agreed in order to just have it end, and the abuser immediately reneges and comes back with an even WORSE deal, just because the victim's agreement signals to them that they could have got away with more.

And day - be careful that yours didn't ask for the 6 months and be "reasonable" in order to have time to hide all his money so as to leave you with nothing.

Sorry to be so negative, it's just that I really haven't seen "agreements" with abusers turn out well.

I completely get your situation Day. I'm the same way, feeling guilty for keeping secrets from him while getting all of these atty consults and now I'm working on the financial affidavit and coming up with my first choice plan and a plan B if I can't keep the home. It's so stressful having to cover my tracks. I even lied to him straight out when he asked if I've seen an atty. But for now, I know I couldn't too him off of how serious I am about this.

And yet, my husband is also doing the same thing. Hardly getting angry and defensive in his pleading to me. He's moved onto playing on my sympathies - crying, talking about not breaking up the family, telling me to think of the kids, he doesn't wanna move out, he doesn't wanna only see the kids on weekends, he, he, he.....

Liv - I'm sorry that you went thru so much and supported your husband emotionally and financially. It's so frustrating. And that's what I'm worried about - making an "agreement". Because yes, every time I tried to talk and reason with him about our marriage, look where it got me. So I almost laugh at myself to think - hmmmm maybe if I talk to him and reason with him about a divorce settlement, he will comply. How could I think that - He's failed me every other time!?!

As someone once said here, I feel like Charlie Brown... Trusting that THIS time he will not move the football when I go to kick it.

Not ---- the important points
have already been highlighted
by some of the wise members
of the community, already.

I can't really add anything
totally new, except to offer
my support. (I'm in CT also.
If you feel like it, feel free to
send me another message.)

Whether you give your husband
a "heads up," or another chance,
or whatever you choose, is entirely
your prerogagive. Only you know
the person you're dealing with.
(My guess is that that attorney
said what he did based on
the dynamics of a non-abusive
divorce. Did any of the lawyers
you interviewed seem to understand
what an emotionally abusive divorce
is like?

Please make sure to
take good care of yoruself.

Sening hugs an
healing wishes.