Domestic Violence Dynamics

http://www.hruth.org/domestic-violence-dynamics.asp

To understand the dynamics of domestic violence, one only needs to put a kettle of water on the stove...left there long enough, it will eventually reach a boiling point. Therein lies the problem with most people's concept of domestic violence. Too many are conned into thinking that unless the abuse is life threatening there is nothing to worry about. A push or a slap, what's the big deal? Nobody's been permanently scarred or maimed. That's true...not yet. But over time, the violence almost always escalates in both frequency and severity.

Repeated violence tends to follow a three-phase cycle:

Tension Building Phase: Arguments and Threats
This stage involves minor incidents (slapping, verbal and/or psychological abuse) with increasing tension and fear of the batterer. This may be the time when a victim will seek out help through law enforcement intervention only to be told nothing can be done until violence occurs. The victim may:

Placate batterer by nurturing or staying out of the batterer's way
Control, manipulate environment to prevent escalation of violence
Minimize, trivialize, deny violence
Cover for batterer, excuse behavior
Begin to withdraw emotionally from overwhelming stress
The victim's inability to face the reality of situation allows the batterer to escalate the violence.

Acute Battering Phase: Beating, Choking, Punching, Use of Weapons
During this stage, a violent episode occurs usually causing injury and sometimes resulting in death. This is usually the shortest phase lasting a few minutes to 24 hours. The victim may:

Feel a complete loss of control
Feel psychologically trapped
Wait to seek medical treatment if s/he chooses to go at all
Not experience the effects of the trauma for some time
Not trust law enforcement, fear their involvement will further enrage batterer, defend the batterer to police

Honeymoon Phase: Period of Relative Calm
Environment becomes tranquil, maybe even pleasant. This may be the longest phase early in a relationship, but usually becomes progressively shorter over time. This calm environment may become quite brief with the tension phase beginning again almost immediately. The victim may:

Experience the illusion of well-being
Believe that s/he is the sole support of the emotional stability of the batterer
Believe the many promises of the batterer
Feel responsible for batterer's well being
The cycle usually ends one of two ways -- in the death of the victim or a separation. If there is a separation the batterer often moves on to a new victim.


Warning Signs

http://www.hruth.org/warning-signs.asp

A batterer often uses fear and intimidation as a means to control. These tactics serve to isolate the victim and often are followed by incidents of physical abuse. Answering the following questions will help you determine whether or not you're in an emotionally abusive relationship. A "yes" answer to even half of these questions indicates that you are headed down a path that could, ultimately, be emotionally and physically dangerous.

Do you feel like a child in the relationship, having to ask permission and apologizing for your behavior? Do you feel powerless and "less than" your lover or mate?
Have you stopped seeing your friends and family? Does your husband or lover criticize your friends and family members? Did he complain so much when you saw them in the past that you finally stopped seeing them altogether so you wouldn't have to argue with him about it? Are you ashamed to see your friends or family because of your mate's abusive behavior and because you are embarrassed at how he treats you?
Do you believe that you are to blame for your husband's or lover's problems? Do you feel you are mostly responsible for the problems with the relationship?
Does your mate try to take advantage of you sexually or make unreasonable sexual demands on you?
Does your lover's personality change when he drinks alcohol?
Does your mate use humor to put you down or degrade you?
Does he lack the ability to laugh at himself?
Does he find it hard to apologize or to admit when he is wrong? Does he make excuses for his behavior or always blame others for his actions?
Does he usually get his way in deciding when and where the two of you will go?
Does he control or disapprove of your spending but seem to have no problems spending on himself?


This material was adapted from Beverly Engel's book: The Emotionally Abused Woman.


Danger Assessment

http://www.hruth.org/danger-assessment.asp

Each situation of domestic violence is different and there are no true indicators that will point to the fact that the violence will occur again, or how severe. However, there are indicators that increase the likelihood that you may be in danger.

Note: Even if there are few indicators present, this does not mean that you are safe. You are your own best judge as to whether or not you feel safe.




Ask Yourself:

(On a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being the highest)

How dangerous do you think your partner is?

How safe do you feel?




Other Questions to Ask yourself:
Has the frequency of the abuse increased? (Is it happening more often?)

Has the severity of the abuse increased? (Are the injuries getting worse?)

Does your partner use drugs or alcohol?

Is your partner obsessive? (Is he/she very controlling?)

Do you feel isolated (or does your partner restrict who you can have contact with)?

Are there, or has there ever been, weapons involved?

Does your partner suffer from mental illness (suicidal or strange behaviors)?

Is there sexual abuse involved?

Is the abuser abusive to the children?

Are you pregnant, or has your partner abused you while you were pregnant?




Abuse does not always have to manifest itself into physical behavior in order for it to be harmful. Below are some indicators of Non-Physical Indicators of Abuse.

Non-Physical Indicators of Abuse:
My partner screams and yells at me.

My partner insults or shames me in front of others.

My partner does not respect my feelings.

My partner frightens me.

My partner demands obedience to their orders.

My partner does not allow me to have friends of the opposite sex (or same sex if appropriate).

My partner demands that I stay home, or follows me when I go out.

My partner demands sex, whether I want it or not.

My partner is controlling with money.




Regardless of how dangerous the situation appears, a safety plan is an important piece of information that can help you think about how to keep yourself safe. In developing a safety plan, it is important to consider some of the following suggestions -- Go to Safety Planning page