Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I am hesitant to see a psychologist because I don't do well around people I am not comfortable with so I ended up here :-)
Basically my story is that I have been holding on to a relationship because I moved to a different area for him (away from everyone i know) and we had a child together. He did a complete 360 and can be a complete lunatic. I have tried to tell him that drinking is not the answer but he doesn't care. When he gets drunk he will tell me that he doesn't want me. that other women know him better than me, I can go f*** myself. He has put his hands on me, constantly calling me names, I recently asked him to stop because my oldest 2 kids are starting to catch on how he is treating me. He was like " ooooh yeah don't call you names" and rolled his eyes. I have tried to leave before the first time I did he tried breaking the windows out of my car. the second time he grabbed a knife and told me if I tried to leave he would stab me. Yes I have called the cops twice with in a years time period but he ended up getting a pre trial diversion, they wouldn't put a NCO on my kids just me. Anyway after every incident he swears up and down that it is the last time and he does want to be with me but im to the point where I don't care anymore. Im so tired of worrying if hes cheating on me, even if theres no signs of it I haven't started trusting him again. He said he wanted to start over last august but he has done nothing. I probably should see a therapist but I nervous every time I try to make an appointment and then end up not doing it. When a guy shows any interest in me I get so uncomfortable, im just not the person I used to be. I used to be one of the most friendly people you would ever meet, now I walk with my head, I cant make eye contact with anyone. If im with a bunch of people I get anxious and want to get away. Every thing that has happened with me and him plays over and over again in my head and its driving me crazy.
Has anyone ever went through this, and if you did ,did you get over it without getting professional help?
Basically my story is that I have been holding on to a relationship because I moved to a different area for him (away from everyone i know) and we had a child together. He did a complete 360 and can be a complete lunatic. I have tried to tell him that drinking is not the answer but he doesn't care. When he gets drunk he will tell me that he doesn't want me. that other women know him better than me, I can go f*** myself. He has put his hands on me, constantly calling me names, I recently asked him to stop because my oldest 2 kids are starting to catch on how he is treating me. He was like " ooooh yeah don't call you names" and rolled his eyes. I have tried to leave before the first time I did he tried breaking the windows out of my car. the second time he grabbed a knife and told me if I tried to leave he would stab me. Yes I have called the cops twice with in a years time period but he ended up getting a pre trial diversion, they wouldn't put a NCO on my kids just me. Anyway after every incident he swears up and down that it is the last time and he does want to be with me but im to the point where I don't care anymore. Im so tired of worrying if hes cheating on me, even if theres no signs of it I haven't started trusting him again. He said he wanted to start over last august but he has done nothing. I probably should see a therapist but I nervous every time I try to make an appointment and then end up not doing it. When a guy shows any interest in me I get so uncomfortable, im just not the person I used to be. I used to be one of the most friendly people you would ever meet, now I walk with my head, I cant make eye contact with anyone. If im with a bunch of people I get anxious and want to get away. Every thing that has happened with me and him plays over and over again in my head and its driving me crazy.
Has anyone ever went through this, and if you did ,did you get over it without getting professional help?
He's already put his hands on you. You've already called the cops twice. He is dangerous and chances are that he will get worse, not better.
Please contact your local women's shelter and ask them to help you create a SAFE plan to leave. Many shelters offer free support groups and referrals to therapists and attorneys who can help you deal w/the trauma and legal aspects respectively.
I understand that you may not feel comfortable w/a therapist. That's normal. It will take time to build a rapport, but a qualified therapist who is specially trained in trauma recovery and who understands the dynamics and affects of abuse is critical to your healing and getting back to the friendly confident person you used to be before abuse.
Also, you are wise to be aware that this is affecting your kids and that they are learning that is it ok to abuse and be abused. So getting them into therapy would also be very helpful.
IMHO, its very difficult to heal from abuse w/o appropriate support and that usually comes from working w/a qualified therapist. Not all therapists understand the dynamics & affects of abuse. Many people find that just doing talk therapy doesn't help & can make things worse by opening up (but not healing) old traumas.
But the first thing you need to do is get you and your kids out SAFELY & then go total No Contact. That's where the shelter can help.
It will help if you document his behavior, his drinking habits, the police reports and all abuse to you and your kids. (ust witnessing abuse as a child can affect the brain & the longer they are exposed to abuse, the worse it can be. Same goes for you.
Also try doing Ilene's Index Card Exercise. I'll bump it up for you.
Some may suggest its not a good idea to dwell on every incident of abuse. I think its important to not downplay the abuse because that's what many people do and that keeps them in the abusive relationship. So, at least for now, it helps to see it framed for what it is, continual abusive behavior. It helps us get out of denial, which is very common with abuse victims.
We want to move from victim to survivor to ultimately THRIVER. We can't do that when living in a toxic abusive (and in your case) and alcoholic environment.
Please do whatever it takes to take good care of yourself & your kids!
~healing hugs~
What is your focus on? IMO, I think the children's safety and well-being should be thought of first. They didn't ask for this. We make our choices but they just have to tag along and accept whatever happens. You risk the cycle continuing the longer you subject them to that lifestyle. They may also need counseling. They deserve better.
You didn't ask to be hurt and you don't deserve it but that's how it ended up. I agree with MyTrueColors that you need to get yourself and your children away from him. Do NOT tell him what you're doing. Keep a journal of events. Record things if you can. Do you have a smart phone? It has voice recorder.
Your children are defenseless. You're not. You're able to ask for help if you'll do it. They only have you to rely on since you're the one trying and reaching out.
I am not trying to be critical. Please understand this. I lived in a war zone as a child and no one stepped in to help us kids. Unless you lived it as a child, you cannot conceive the utter dread and hopelessness a child faces, every single day. It is soul-crushing. I would rather live in a shelter than have some monster hurt me or my children.
It is not easy, especially if you have no one, but strangers can be the most amazing sources of help and support. I know, they have saved my life.
I say, get started on a plan, and Don't give up! You'll be scared, frustrated, and weary - but you're those things already, aren't you?
Much love, and hoping you make the break from all that pain.