Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
It's been a really long time since I have posted on this board. My now ex-husband was verbally and emotionally abusive toward me, and at the end of our marraige it began to get physical. The divorce was final almost 3 years ago. Why am I back? We share a son, so I have to remain in contact with him now. I am in a relationship with a good man now and haven't seen any red flags or warning signs of abuse from him.
My ex has also moved on and is in a relationship with someone. I learned about her 2 Christmases ago, on Christmas day. I met her at my son's last birthday party and she seems to be really nice to him, so I don't have an issue with her -- unless she starts mistreating my son. I don't foresee that happening. They are moving in together this weekend, and I guess I'm having somewhat of a hard time with it, and I guess I need a non-judgemental ear and some support. They seem to have the perfect relationship, do everything together and the like. It bothers me because I see my ex doing things that I tried for years to get him to do. This makes me feel crazy and like I WAS the problem the entire time. I'm having a really difficult time right now even expressing what I'm feeling. I know what I went through with him, and it seems on the outside with them that there is none of that. I wonder when/if she stops feeding his ego/narcissistic self whether he will start to abuse her as well. I have a hunch, but only time will tell...
I also worry that my son will decide that he enjoys his dad and pseudo-stepmom so much that he will want to go live with them. I do well for myself, but I don't make as much as they collectively do. He is not required to do much in the way of chores at their house. They have a housekeeper. I do it all (often fail) on my own. His dad will buy him basically whatever he wants (example: dad will take him to the bookstore and buy him new books all the time. I try to take him to the public library to check out books and he just turns his nose up at library books!)
I guess what really set me off yesterday was my ex texting me to ask if he could buy all of our wedding dishes from me so he could have a complete set (we had really nice French porcelain dishes and split them down the middle when we split) and offered to give me his girlfriend's unwanted IKEA plates! I was like, really? He'd go bat guano crazy if I offered to give him my boyfriends unwanted *whatever* in exchange for something nice of his.
Sigh... I can't decide if I'm being too sensitive or overreacting right now.
My ex has also moved on and is in a relationship with someone. I learned about her 2 Christmases ago, on Christmas day. I met her at my son's last birthday party and she seems to be really nice to him, so I don't have an issue with her -- unless she starts mistreating my son. I don't foresee that happening. They are moving in together this weekend, and I guess I'm having somewhat of a hard time with it, and I guess I need a non-judgemental ear and some support. They seem to have the perfect relationship, do everything together and the like. It bothers me because I see my ex doing things that I tried for years to get him to do. This makes me feel crazy and like I WAS the problem the entire time. I'm having a really difficult time right now even expressing what I'm feeling. I know what I went through with him, and it seems on the outside with them that there is none of that. I wonder when/if she stops feeding his ego/narcissistic self whether he will start to abuse her as well. I have a hunch, but only time will tell...
I also worry that my son will decide that he enjoys his dad and pseudo-stepmom so much that he will want to go live with them. I do well for myself, but I don't make as much as they collectively do. He is not required to do much in the way of chores at their house. They have a housekeeper. I do it all (often fail) on my own. His dad will buy him basically whatever he wants (example: dad will take him to the bookstore and buy him new books all the time. I try to take him to the public library to check out books and he just turns his nose up at library books!)
I guess what really set me off yesterday was my ex texting me to ask if he could buy all of our wedding dishes from me so he could have a complete set (we had really nice French porcelain dishes and split them down the middle when we split) and offered to give me his girlfriend's unwanted IKEA plates! I was like, really? He'd go bat guano crazy if I offered to give him my boyfriends unwanted *whatever* in exchange for something nice of his.
Sigh... I can't decide if I'm being too sensitive or overreacting right now.
HE probably tried to make you think you were the problem because that's what abusers do.
I think your hunch will turn out to be right and he will begin to abuse her just as he did you.
PErsonally, my spiteful self would not sell him those dishes unless you really needed the cash - you'd be better off selling the off on eBay to a perfect stranger.. And taking her ikea dishes - she can shove them,.... IMHO
With your son - if his father has the money to buy stuff, he will and your son will realize that STUFF does not equal LOVE. It's just love. And he'll learn more having responsibility with you, than being spoiled over there
I don't think you're being sensitive at all your feelings are totally valid.
(((HUGS)))
"too sensitive."
If you feel like it,
sell him the plates
at a price that's
satisfying. If you
don't feel like it,
then don't sell
them and tell
him to give the
IKEA plates to
Goodwill.
As jaded pointed out he was nice to you at first or you wouldn't have ended up with him. He is playing nice with her too.
The time will come and she will be sorry.
I'm not sure about the dishes, jaded has a point, but if it were me, I wouldn't WANT to use them no matter if I ever liked them or not.
It would feel good to me to let the ex have them, with my telling him how glad you are to get rid of them as you have started a new life.. Then when they use them he will have to think of you giving up those dishes. Might do him good. I don't know how you would feel about that though.
I found an equally nice but lower priced set that I am sure I will like even more. I will offer to sell the plates, but only at 20-25% off retail. It's a deal, but not THAT good of a deal. We'll see if he takes it or not. I don't want the Ikea plates at all though. I'll eat off of Chinet until I get new ones. :)
Gem, that's a pretty thought, that every time they use the plates he will be reminded of me. I don't even think it crosses his consciousness though. He's pretty self-centered.
As for the plates, sounds like a good plan to sell them back to him at that value if he wants them. But the other thing is that it shows he already is treating her with a lack of respect, if not outright abuse. How would you feel if your new partner wanted to give away your plates in favour of his ex wife's plates? I know I wouldn't be thrilled, no matter HOW nice the plates were. Especially if there was plenty of money around, I'd want him to sell/give YOU the half set and buy all new.
As for your son, I truly believe kids will go where the love is, rather than the money. Yes, they will love the money and gifts etc, but ultimately they will go where the love is. I remember a good friend of mine split with her narc H when their son was 9. By the age of about 11 or 12, she was worried, just like you are, that her son would want to be with his father, for the same reason. Then one night, he came home from a night out with his father, who had taken him and some friends in a stretch limo to front row seats at a Pink! concert, while she sat at home panicking about the fact there's no way she could possibly afford that kind of amazing experience. She said nothing to him of course, she was happy for him that he was having such an amazing time. He came home, and without her saying anything at all, just said "you know mum, dad can spend all the money he likes, and it's great fun, but he's still and always will be a dick". The boy is now 16 and has no contact with his father at all.
And finally, it really doesn't matter how he treats this new woman, even if he does treat her well (the chances of which are miniscule), that doesn't change the fact he didn't treat YOU right, and you are never responsible for someone else's choice to treat you badly.
And JOYHOLY, that was my first reaction too when he asked. "I should just break all these d*mn plates!" haha... My ex's parents and family were all WONDERFUL to me. They acknowledged that he didn't treat me well at all, and encouraged me to leave him and move on. My MIL sobbed on the phone when she found out that we were divorcing but completely understood. I don't think she knew the magnitude of the abuse, but she did know what a pain in the butt he was growing up. I do still miss seeing the family, and keep in touch via email and text sometimes. My ex will not allow them to see me in person. It's really sad.
My ex was nice for 6-7 years before his abusive tendencies came to light. And he had been and was already being abusive to someone else during that time that he was lovely and perfect for me (6-7 year period)
Sometimes I think it takes them a bit longer or they want to make really really sure that your hooked and even settled into knowing them, being their best friend before they feel confident enough that they own you for life!
It was never you it was him. You can't make someone treat you badly, they choose to do so!
I don't know what to say about the plates apart from tell him no. He only wants to assert power over you anyway! Tell him he can afford to buy a new set of plates if he wants a complete set, why should you have cheap ones when you don't want or need to make any changes to you plates in your kitchen?!?!
Do u need to swap them, no, do U want to? No!! So don't!